Filling the scene with lights
Every bright color of the past
Street lights illuminate the path
Transitory floats as they’re passing
Isolated in wonderment, I
Visualize times of fun, I recall
As bands from all nations quaff
Liquid, ales spirit’s; and tango
Oh the sound of children laughing- after all
Fun is what they’re here to see, the regalia
Like the float that came all the way from Tel Aviv
It’s magnificent, it takes my breathe away, I
Giggle as I watch the clowns tumbling about
Happy to make us all laugh at their antics
To see this scene before me leaves me in awe
Shows me that if you can have love, you can have belief.
Author notes
I've read "Shades of flame" by TripleNickle
"On Fire" malkinpuss
Any comments were lost when I had to delete it and redo it, I forgot to copy and paste them back on. Jennifer
Written January 5th, 2006
In a list
A contest entry
- Ooooh...Yea, I have no idea what to name this by Kilrah.
500 points, ended January 14, 2006, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Okay, I took a tour through your poems and had fun while doing it. You've definitely got a wide range of subject matter and forms that you tinker with from acrostics, free verse, and rhyme. I like to see versatility in a poet. However, I'll say I'm a HUGE fan of acrostics, write them quite often myself, and am especially harsh when critiquing one, because I usually demand originality in line breaks so that it's not a painfully obvious acrostic.
My first suggestion for this piece, or any of your acrostics, is to NOT highlight the actual acrostic in the poem. I understand why you do it, but if the word "acrostic" is in the title, it's simply not necessary and appears less professional than it could be. You would probably appeal to more contemporary modern readers if you wouldn't highlight the words.
Of your acrostics that I read, I enjoyed this one the most because it was double acrostic, and that forced you to end your lines in a certain way, and sometimes that created a very nice flow. With your other ones (and this is a trend I've noticed with 99% of acrostic writers on this site), each line has a very obvious end-stop flow to it, and three lines into the piece it becomes too predictable to be enjoyable. You've got strong imagery in your poems, but it suffers because of the predictable flow.
As such, I would love to see more easy flow from one line into the next. Maybe work an 'and' into the beginning or end of a line here or there (or whatever word you could get to work while still keeping the acrostic in tact). This particular poem has a problem with each line beginning and ending with an obvious pause, and that creates a problem in flow from one line to the next. It's okay to end a line of an acrostic in the middle of a sentence or thought, only to pick it up in the next line. I don't want to plug my own acrostics, nor demand that you read them, and heck... they may not be all that good, lol, but try playing around with line breaks and see what that does for your flow.
Also, in this piece, especially the last stanza, it's apparent you have a habit of "telling" and not "showing". You tell us the clown is giggling, instead of showing us with a more firm and descriptive statement. That is one instance, but there are a few more. We don't, for instance, need to hear that it took your breath away, but instead... DESCRIBE what, exactly, took your breath away. See where I'm going with that?
At any rate, this was very nice, good imagery. Needs more metaphor in my opinion, but that's only because I'm a metaphor junky. I hope this critique is useful to you
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This is a very good attempt at a double acrostic. It flows really well and also is a delight to read. Thank you very much for the entry!
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Hi Jennifer!
You made this double acrostic look so easy! A very excellent write that I truly enjoyed reading. I love the images you have captured here, vivid and delightfully dazzling! I wish you the best in the contest! Eris
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Great job! I did a double acrostic once and they're hard, aren't they? But you've done a great job! I love the description and the job in this piece! It's lots of fun to read! Good luck in the contest!
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Wow you have great talent for these. I am just a mere beginner at these and I find them fun and interesting, yet at the same time very difficult to do. I wish you luck in the contest!
~val~
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Thank you Abdul for liking my Double Acrostic.
Jenni.
I am back at Joans now Abdul, I went to visit my family over Christmas
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Thank you Ralph for reading my Double Acrostic, I appreciate it very much.
Jennifer. -
Thank you dear gemma, I deleted it twice before I got it right, picking the right letters on the end is the hardest.
Love to you dear heart and thanks for dropping by.
Lovesya Jennifer.
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A+ poem!
Beautiful words, beautiful form of acrostic and beautiful meaning. For me Acrostic is very hard to create and now double, which is more challenging and involves careful choices of words and this one is very brilliant, very well done and the message of awesome!
Good word dear friend, I know you are full of talents and one of the great poets here and you are beautiful too!
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this is really good work i see u becoming a master of acrostics well am happy for u doing good always friend
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Excellent
Very well done Impressed how your about it want to read more of your writings -
Thank you for your comment Sally, yes I do love creating Acrostics, especially when they're challenging.
Love Jennifer.
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Dear Jennifer, I love your attempt at a Double Acrostic, like you, I love doing Acrostics, I had a go at a shadow Acrostic as your did with your "Morning Sun" it was strange how we were both given almost the same titles, as mine was "Morning Dew" I can see some of the letters at the end would make it hard, but as you told me your friend Montez helped you, which was very nice of him. Good Luck in the contest.
Love Sally.
Edited on Jan 06, 7:16 p.m. because ''.
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