Monday in the life of a girl,
Armored in sweater and jeans.
Worrying the bed covers
Into a semblance of smoothness;
Her face fresh
with red rumpled streaks:
"Beauty divine in the light of the sun.
Oh morning, sweet morning!
The quiver is singing
As the arrow makes its run."
Holiday magic in the woods of childhood
Times long gone in the wildlands of youth
(Coins are jingling in her pocket
A penny for your thoughts?
...I wish I had some.)
The sleepwalker tiptoes to the sounds of Mozart,
Sending a tremor--Shh! Do you hear that?
They hover like bees in mother's attic.
She plays the old record that sets her to right
In a morning without her tea.
Soft beds and flower smells,
Thick translucent curtains draped across her door,
Though there was only the floor to look upon.
Sunlight on my toes, warm with feeling;
There was no room for kneeling,
But my knees got scraped anyway--just like before.
Red ribbon in a robin's nest,
Up on the tree by the kitchen window.
There is a song in the air,
But the notes are muffled, as from lips
Closed forever, sinking into silence.
Traps of mortality shimmering in the linoleum foil;
Baked lasagna for the guests, how could I forget?
It's a beautiful morning out there, easy to get lost in.
Chairs are stiff and cold,
(the smiling arc becomes a sad bow
lonely but unbroken; knuckles, clenched, white
nails biting into the grain)
She would insist on breakfast.
Bacon and tomatoes, they smell ripe and right;
Juice -fresh pulp- plump oranges from the garden.
Mother's smile on a sunny day,
"I wish it were raining. I'd rather have chicken soup."
Mother is calling, she's calling for me:
"Beauty divine in the light of the sun;
Good morning, sweet morning,
My darlings, my loves."
The smells fade, and so do the sounds,
But grief lingers in the sad arc of the chair.
Author notes
Do any of you happen to know "A Mother's Song?" Well, if you have time, you could research the lyrics of that simply beautiful classic lullaby. (I'm too lazy to put them up here.) Anyway, this is my own interpretation of "A Mother's Song" and, well, enjoy. 
Written January 3rd, 2006
A contest entry
- Critiquers by invitation : close & workshopping by Lyndon.
600 points, ended January 21, 2006, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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I for one am glad you left the word rumpled stand as it is. I read that line and I picture that lined face perfectly
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I see moonling made a comment about the use of the word "rumpled" - I kind of agree with her about the images it provokes, but what I like about it is the unexpected use of the word and the alliteration of "red rumpled" - actually that works quite nicely! Anyway, this is your poem and I am sticking to my previous comment - especially the way this poem lingers in the eye and the mind! Best wishes!
~ Nicolette
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It has simply been ages since the last time I actually thought about my childhood. It seems that I have forgottn all that concerns that part of my life. It's such a shame though because it was the best time of my life; and persumably it's everybody's too.
Being a teenager was the first step down hill. I don't remember when was it that I lost my childhood, but I miss it every single day.
What does this have to do with your poem? Maybe nothing, but when I did read it, an over-whelming feeling of nostalgia just came over me. It just touched me that way. I though you might want to know that rather than me pointing out what lines I preffered or if there are any spelling mistakes.
And I'd also like to thank you. It's not everyday that I get to smile. Not lately anyhow! -
I love the originality of this piece, great word flow, structure fantastic..keep penning..good luck in the contest..
Linda -
abernaith, thank you for not biting blindly lol. And I have read
myra's review above. Between her review and your explanation I get it. Lol people always find things in my poems that don't make sense to them...tho in my case, it's coz the people reading my stuff are smarter than me...mostly.
Peace & love to you as always,
Roz.
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Oh, but why should I hate you for giving an honest and well-meaning comment? Honestly, I'm not like other people here who bite blindly.
About your discomfort towards the word "rumpled" here, well, I'm afraid I can't help you there. I've learnt the hard way that every one has their own unique taste, and you can't just please everybody. All the words I used were put there for a purpose...or, at least, as close to that as it gets during the semi-mysterious and inexplicable writing process.
I know...you're thinking I'm just throwing excuses. But, well, just go read myrataal's review above, where she kindly shared her theories about the writing process and the poet's relationship to the finished work. I actually think it merits thinking about myself. Cheers!
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Please don't hate me for this comment, and please don't think I'm picking on you...I'm not, just want your poem to be the best it can be lol.
To me personally, the word rumpled makes me think of an unmade bed...maybe the word "forlorn" or something. Sorry my vocab's not great so that's probably a bad suggestion. But hopefully you know what I mean? Good luck.
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Wow. What to be said that has not already been said? This piece is very emotional, especially in the last two lines that left me saddened, so much a mother's effort put for to raise her young, to be left with only an empty chair. Whether this image is accurate or not, that is where I was left.
I do agree with the comment about oranges grown in an orchard rather than a garden.
But oh I do love the reference to "A penny for your thoughts" I just added that air of teen sauciness that was unfolding. All in all, a very nice piece. ~Pam
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I agree with Myra - I can't always explain a poem, because once written it takes on a "life" of its own and every reader takes something else from a poem. I liked this poem...it was easy to read and understand. I especially loved the statements you made in the first line of each stanza - to me that add to the emotional impact and imagery of this poem...kind of like an introduction that sets the mood for that particular stanza. The essence of the poem lies in the last stanza...it kind of lingers with the reader, like a punch-line that forces the reader to reconsider what she has just read... Well-done! I personally don't like the capitalization of first letters, but that is just my personal preference! What I also liked about the poem is the emotions of a 13 year old - the contradictions, the contrast between the "song in the air" and the "sad arc of the chair" - that last line really made itself sit in my eyes...!
~ Nicolette
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'...Her face fresh with red rumpled streaks...' 'rumpled' seems the wrong word choice here...not sure what the correct one would be, though...
'...(Coins are jingling in her pocket A penny for your thoughts?...I wish I had some.)'
The 'wish I had some' roughens the line; perhaps: 'A penny for my (nonexistent) thoughts?'
Those are the only two issues I could see; I think it's a lovely piece, with great imagery & impressive flow...I like your formatting & adore your use of seemingly 'random' capitalizations...
The very thing I'm criticized most for... Of course, yours are at the beginning of each line, whereas mine are things like: Love, Hope, Destiny, etc....A beautifully done piece, I think...Any issues are quite minor & don't interfere with the intentions of the poem...well done, Poet... Wanda
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Excellent, exquisite imagery... magnficent fo
Exquisite imagery, form, truly a remarakably orchestrated piece! This piece to me is completed as it should be and was intended and I find no flaws! Brava!! Well done!! -
I know of many poets who simply refrain from explaining their work. Mostly there are several processes simultaneously at work when writing poetry: emotional impact made by a certain experience/state of mind/scenery; association with similar aspects filed in the memory of recollected and reorientated matter; verbalization of these inner processes by "remembering" apt language and structuring thoughts; refinement of the selected and structured words.
Breyten Breytenbach (SA poet) said as soon as the poem is written, it is in decomposition already. That is why writers sometimes cannot recall the initial processes. As I practice what I call reation poetry -- reason and emotion converged -- I mostly remember the instigating elements, the correspondence of mindset and matter and the final product -- although I cannot recall my hundreds of poems in detail on this website by title alone.
I think your attitude is quite reasonable: you write the poem for yourself in the first place: to answer to that specific URGE to create. And here you've done it with colorful zest.
Edited on Jan 08, 2:03 p.m. because ''. -
Well, it's quite difficult for me to explain anything about this poem to anyone other than myself...I usually let the reader come up with her/his own interpretation. I cannot honestly remember, except only in a general sense, what were my specific intentions in writing the poem as such during the time of writing. To be frank, everything about the process is hazy for me now that it's finished. All that remains is the stone cut and polished. Whether it graduates into a bonafide gem or remains merely a stone is up to the reader.
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I'm no expert when it comes to poetry, so please take anything I say with a pinch of salt. The last line puts the emphasis on the chair, leaving that as the final image in my mind. Maybe that's something to think about?
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WOW!!! ...and that being said, I find myself unworthy to critigue this masterpiece but...since Lydon is making me
Here goes...
There is not to much I can really find wrong with this piece although like Laura I was bothered by the line
"Up on the tree by the kitchen window"
it just didn't seem to read right and I think it would read better as Upon rather than Up on. I also agree with rannlit's statement about the orange juice. Most people don't grow oranges in a garden but rather in an orchard and I think that little insignificant detail distracts rather than adds to this piece. That being said, I'm not sure I'd change another thing. I love your use of imagery in this piece and I felt these lines to be a wonderful example of how imagery in poetry should be:
"
Worrying the bed covers
Into a semblance of smoothness;
Her face fresh
with red rumpled streaks:"
I can see every last detail of that being played out in front of my eyes. I can't end this meager offering of a critique without mentioning the ending lines:
"The smells fade, and so do the sounds,
But grief lingers in the sad arc of the chair."
The underlying sadness in those lines, the tone, the language makes this poem one that haunts the reader long after they've finished reading. A wonderful write, best wishes in the contest
Ruth
Edited on Jan 07, 12:48 because 'typo'. -
Give me one reason why the poem has class . In a sentence simply refer to the poem . Eg "Every line seems to contain the wonder of living: 'Holiday magic in the woods of childhood" and the wonder is that one could choose any line to illustrate my point'" Yes, just this would do. Okay, Di.
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Di, give one otr two examplesof good metaphor or similes. This shows me true appreciation. Do not write a lot eg. "The quiver is singing" adds merriment to being in love with love and Cupid's quiver is a songster. These metaphors (note my spelling) enliven your description.
Get the idea of what I'm after. -
Hi, I came back again to read the third time and really went out of my way to find something that jared,lol, nothing, each time I read this write I am in love with it, a lovely classy write, well when you cant find anything wrong it is pointless inventing something,lol, great a big hug Di
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Thank you. Your comment was unexpected, but most refreshing, to say the least. I appreciate how you've turned your eye to the poet behind the work, and how you've taken the time to read the comments of others. Everyone had left me precious reviews, and I appreciate them all. The very effective public comment section is one of the things that I like most about AP.
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Thanks for the frank crit, I really appreciate it. As for capitals--that's just my personal style. I happen to like capitals a lot. Also, I wrote "armoured" and "Mozart" for a purpose. Although, it's a personal one and, well, like with Zonia, I feel it's kind of difficult for anyone else to believe my own personal take on this poem. But, well, for starters I just didn't want this poem to be all soft. The words "armoured" and "Mozart" I associate to a certain kind of stubborness, rigidity, but also of an unexpected finesse. Mainly because I always think of medieval knights in their finery with "armour", and Mozart's tunes kind of intimidate me. (Classical music novice here! )
I do believe in pushing the envelope when I write. (Well, most of the time, anyway.) Settling for just soft tones, smooth and steady streams, or light subjects all the time just make me feel lazy. I like to crack my knuckles from time to time and get the juices flowing and mixing. World where light and dark collide, looking for that perfect balance between chaos and order--well, I personally believe that it's where one has the best chance to improve. So, as is obvious in this poem, I purposely mixed rough and smooth, all in the hopes that what came out of the oven rose evenly. -
I love you for writing such a sweet review.
It's the first of its like I've received--and from *the* masterblaster herself. So of course you've totally made my day, dear.
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The way in which you slipped into the persona(s) in this poem, was very successful. This is what I call ENDOPATHY at its best: becoming characters in order to understand them.
All the best for your future writings.
Myra -
Well expressed
Dearest Soul
I am impressed by the way you wrote the poem, as well as the way you answered on the comments. What fascinates me, is the way in which writer and reader become part of the end product -- whether it is actual changes to the poem, or whether it is clarification and interpretation.
Well done.
Myra
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Hello! This is a beautifully penned poem. I agree with the others about the sweet sentiments this conveys about a mother busily working to improve the home for the child. I am not familiar with the song, but I think I will search for it, as I think this poem is excellent as written. You show excellent talent with your words. Thank you for sharing!
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I like the sweet tone of this one.
*like this line: A penny for your thoughts?
...I wish I had some.)
makes me ask, some thoughts or pennies...and it's a good question. It's simple, but could have a profound meaning.
*your capitals need attention.
*three things jar me in this poem and make it feel less smooth than I think it could feel. The words 'armoured' and 'Mozart' are images that don't really keep with the tone of your poem. When choosing words I always consider the associations of the words and not just the definitions. I think other images would be helpful here. And then the 'fresh orange juice from garden' bit makes me ask too many questions that don't pertain to the poem. It's also a little sentimental.
Overall, a very refreshing poem. I enjoyed reading this. Best of luck in the contest. -
"Up on the tree by the kitchen window." This is the only line I see correction for
Good news huh? 
Suggestion 1 "Upon" or suggestion 2 "Up, on". I'd much prefer to see this piece centred too, I don't like the left format much, I think it looks untidy. This is a brilliant write, I've missed reading you I hope you're well Thanks for sharing. La x
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Hi, it's not often we come across a poem like this, the metaphores and similies take your breath away, no, I would not change one word or sylable of this wonderful poem, I wish I had written it, and I think this is thefirst time I have ever said that,lol, it has class and should be published, love it, all the best in the comp, Di
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Thanks abernaith for the explanation. I can relate to this very well. I know that often the cycle of a mother is repeated in the life of the daughter, eventhough you would like to break with certain traditions. I have exprienced that myself too, things that happened in my mother's life are happening in my life as well with all its ups and downs. Fascinating! Thanks. Anna.
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Well, I personally think that it would be difficult for me to convince others of my own interpretation of this poem, but I'll give it a shot with you, since you asked so nicely.
I got the inspiration for the title from 'sweet sixteen', which I have come to define as a special age or moment for a girl. Understand that it is not that turning point in maturity, which in most cultures is reached in age 18. But, it's something significant, special, in a personal way for a girl. I personally did not find turning 16 special when it happened to me, but now, years later, I begin to think about that age as a time of significant changes, changes I was not aware of or might have passed for something else, something minor.
The persona in this poem is already about a woman grown, who has undergone a personal tragedy when she was 13, and is now reminiscing that experience as she goes through her own present turmoil as, she finds, her life is about to, well, end. (That's my version of it, anyway.) So, it's like a tragic cycle...which is kind of a morbid subject here, considering. (Hehe..) When this woman (mother) was 13, her own mother died. And now, in the kitchen and grown up to be a mother herself, she discovers that her personal tragedy is going to be repeated, to herself this time. And she of course experiences it as her mother once did, and this more than anything in her life, confirms her motherhood and at the same time brings great grief to her because of course she's going to die and going to leave her child.
Well, I hope this answers your questions. I'm glad you liked this poem and that it got you curious enough to ask me to expound on it. Thanks, for giving me this rare opportunity.
Sincerely,
abernaith
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This is a beautiful write with a lot of atmosphere. You drew a nice scene with your words. There is only one thing which I did not get completely... reading this poem over and over again... from which point of view it was written. Seeing the title I thought it was from the 13 year old girl, but reading the comments I wondered if I was wrong and if it was written from the mother's point of view (thinking about her youth) or maybe a combination of the two. Mentioning "A mother's Song" made some confusion. I am probably the only one who does not understand it, but would you be so kind to tell me?
Anna.
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Sad and Beautiful!!!
abernaith, I have never heard the song either, but you just gave a wonderful interpretation of your feelings on it. I picture this mom through your words as she is always so busy taking care of her loved ones. The unconditional love of a mother is written all over this work. You have really penned a brilliant work here in your description of the song. I will have to look the song up as well. You have piqued my curiosity beyond belief through this read. You have a wonderful talent and it comes naturally to you from what I see. Some people don't like poems that are too long and others don't like poems that are too short. I don't really have a preference either way as long as the write is there and you captured me with this one from beginning to end. That sadness too as when the children have grown and she no longer has these wonderful things that may be mundane to some but glorious to others was the clincher here. I pictured mom sitting there reminiscing of her children now grown and a tear coming to her eye. Thank you for sharing this masterpiece with all of us, I have tears running down my face as I'm typing these words to you. Kudos for this pristine write. Standing and appalauding as I leave you. Love and blessings for you, today and always. 
Joyce
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Whyever so? You've been only most helpful, and polite to boot. I hope my positive reaction to your review has helped, even just a bit, make you realize that you are doing good by your keen critiques.
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Why aren't you a sweetheart.
I usually just get cussed out when I tell people things like that.
Edited on Jan 04 because 'typo'. -
Thanks very much for the heads up all around. I really really needed it. Didn't get to edit it properly before submitting it, because I figured I might as well make good advantage of the workshop-style of the contest. Thanks again for the fantastic rescue!
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It's an intriguing write indeed. Reminds me of a song my mother used to sing, "There Is Only Just One Mother". It's really a beautiful song. I will have to Google "A Mother's Song" and check it out. The rule for punctuation is "all or none". You've half punctuated this, and that's a no no. You need to fix that. And this line risks being risible:
They hover like bees up mother's attic (in mother's attic)
otherwise, you will have some who will automatically think attic is a euphemism for something else.
Anyway, good job, all in all.
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