As the ice clinks and the laughter echoes in her mind,
the crunch of glass from the darkness opens her eyes to this reality.
Dark, tired, nauseated by the flashing red and blue
this wasn't what she intended to do...
The intoxifying saturation
the blood red condenstaion
The laugh, the scream
This wasn't what she intended to see...
Still and crushed, like the ice in her cup
with a face so young and so pure.
No breath.
Still red and blue flashing
This wasn't where she intended to be...
Slipping into the darkness
Her glass has run dry
The two turned to five, the five to ten
she'll never taste that nectar again...
This wasn't where she intended to die...
Author notes
Good luck to all fellow contestants - man, this seemed like an easy one until I started - not my best work, but I hope it's readable.
Written January 2nd, 2006
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
-
this is a good peom. despite what you sead in your authors comments. I really liked it and thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
-
This was so emotion heartfelt i loved it you should right for MADD... This was an awesome poem about a sad topic but you wrote it very well indeed. You told the story well. i think this poem is exallent and you desirve great created for this poem *Hands Cookie*
-
Very visual, makes one think about the consequences of drinking and driving - sad state. I imagine the poor parents being told of this and how tragic a young life lost is, especially one that did not have to happen.
-
scotlass, intresting and maybe a little dark fo rmy taste, but still a good and interestiung write. you said this was not your best work, but (and not to cut and paste by all means) Slipping into the darkness
Her glass has run dry
The two turned to five, the five to ten
made a good feel to the entire write mind teasingly interesting, I like to read something that has a ((good)) ending or ties up, but still leaves the read to take from the write what they want to. good write. image and Visions. -
I like this poem. I love how you say "blood red condensation" and also how you show how people in this situation do not intend for these things to happen as they do.
I definitely see the empowerment you mentioned in this, more than in "Dreamtime" I love how you create images in this poem. I just all around love this poem. -
awesome poem..sry i didnt comment earlier havent had the time..lol
-GIR- -
wow, dude. this is very good. ive never been able to write a poem as tho i were dead. lol, maybe i should of rephrased that.. anyway. ive never been able to, for i wouldnt know what to feel or how to react to any situation as tho i were dead, so i find this poem pretty courageous. the use of the last lines to relate everything together was a good idea, for although the title of the contest kinda gives the poem's theme away, you do not realise s/he is dead til the very end. i thought i was looking at the writing's of an onlooker. well done xXx
-
I have driven once after having a drink (and that was just 2 and a half pints, not that I'm jusitifying it), and I'm currently serving a 15 month ban. This poem was superb, really captured that numb feeling, though I didn't crash, that numb feeling has been with me for over a year.
-
great poem
brilliant poem.....so tragic but so well written.. -
Woo
Oh wow..Thats amazing. It's amazing....god..All i can say is Amazing! -
I definately loved the imagery you produced here. Very sad, especially because it's so real. Beautiful tragic write, good luck in the contest.
-
This poem is very simple but it sure means a lot... I love the rhyme scheme, it was a little new for me...and it did a lot to develop the idea and the emotion of the poem... Overall,it's a great reminder for people who drive drunk. Good luk in the contest.
-
wow...sent chills down my spine...great choice of words and imagery...really captures the reader from start to the ultimately sad ending...great job and yes it is so true
-
This poem is very sad. Because it's so true. You hear about it almost everyday, people driving drunk. I think your choice of words were fantastic. Overall, great job!!!!
-
This hit home. On new years, 7 of my friends were ripped away from this beautiful world by drunk drivers. And as much as I hate drunk drivers, it is true that they never intend to end the night the way many do. I wish people would take drunk driving more seriously. Anyways, critiquing on the poem itself instead of it's message...
I love the form of repetition used through out your poem, it helps to maintain and form a flow. I loved the vivid imagery used when considering the :red and blue flashing:. Overall this was a very emotional and well written piece, Kudos and Applause -
bold
Very intersting. I'm a recovering alcoholic and the few times I drove drunk were some of the scariest of my life. I ahve sat back, since quitting, and considered what that death would have been like both for myself and those affected by it. This put words to it very well. While this is very simple, sometimes the most simple of things get the point across best. Keep at it.
-
*Chills* what an amazing write. But then, where do we ever intend to die? Horrible, isn't it? But I love this work, keep it up!!
~dramaqueen469~
Adding your comment:
1 - 17 of 17
4 old applause
