Question: How would the television show Kung Fu have been different if cell phones had been invented a few hundred years ago? Would all of those flashback memory sequences have been necessary?
It might have gone something like this:
Saloon, night. Kwai Chang Caine sprinkles tea leaves into hot water at the bar.
Cowboy:
Hey, Chinaman! What's that you're drinkin'? Ugly juice?
(Laughter erupts. Caine glances over and looks back at his tea, remembering his master's words . . . "The wise man always walks with his head down" and "violence is the last resort of a limited mind." )
Cowboy: (Stands up and walks over to Caine)
Hey Slanty Eyes! I'm a-talkin' to you, boy!
(Caine reaches into his sack and takes out a cell phone. He touches the speed dial button for Master Kan.)
Cut to: China, day. Master Kan is sitting by a pond filled with lotus blossoms. His cell phone rings. The ringtone is "Sentimental Me" by kung fu Grand Master Don Baird. He looks at the screen.
Master Kan:
Damn! It's Grasshopper again. Why the hell can't he leave me alone? (He rolls his eyes and answers.) Yes, Grasshopper?
Caine:
Uh, hello Master Kan. I am sorry to bother you again, but I am in a saloon and a man is yelling at me and calling me names. What should I do?
Master Kan:
Do what I told you to do last time, Grasshopper, and the time before that . . . try to talk your way out of it, tell him you do not want to fight and all that crap, and if he still will not leave you alone, kick the living shit out of him. What do you think all that damn training was for, anyway? So you could be a punching bag? Now if you do not mind, I would like to return to my meditation.
Caine:
Okay, I am sorry, master. I just get a little homesick sometimes and like to hear your voice.
Master Kan:
Well, you should have thought about that before you A - did not get Master Po out of the way of that bullet, and B - impaled the Emperor's son on that spear. They are always after me to tell them where you are. You really landed us in the shit over here, you know.
Caine:
I said I was sorry. What do you want from me, master?
Master Kan:
A few less phone calls would be nice, for starters.
Caine:
Fine. You know something, you are a real jerk. All that stuff you said about patience was obviously bullshit. Go meditate on that.
Master Kan:
You are very fortunate that you are not here. Do not think that you are too big for me to give you a good caning. Your name suits you, Caine, because that is what you need, a cane across the backside. If you were here, I would make your butt look like two Japanese flags.
Caine:
Yeah, whatever.
(He hangs up the phone. The camera re-focuses on the face of the angry cowboy.)
Cowboy:
What's-a-matter with you, boy? You deef or somethin'?
Caine:
Look, I just got into an argument with my master and I am not in the mood.
Cowboy:
To hell with your mood, Chinky! I got some clothes for ya to dry clean!
Caine:
Okay, before I kick your teeth in, I am obliged to tell you that I do not want any trouble, I mean you no harm, etcetera, etcetera.
(Cowboy and all his cronies laugh just before Caine proceeds to kick his teeth in. His cronies attack and he kicks their teeth in, too. The bar is strewn with mangled bodies and furniture fragments. Caine returns to his tea, smiles with deep satisfaction, and goes back to pretending that he is non-violent, peace-loving, and completely lacking in pent-up hostility.)
End of scene.
Author notes
Written January 2nd, 2006
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Hahaha! Great message from Grasshopper! Imagine what a pain in the neck he would have been calling from America all homesick for the temple. lol
Thanks for your kind words, and of course you can send it to your friend. I'd be honored.
Mark -
Master, you have taught me many things and have given me guidance when it was most needed, but, I was wandering when I will become the praying mantis because I am tired of being the grasshopper. I am calling out to you master, please, return my calls. Again I must say my sweet you have amazed me. May I have your permission to send this to a friend who is a Kung Fu fan? I love your writting dear and I truely have learned much from you. Nice piece of work and thanks for the laugh. HUGS
~val~
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I added the ringtone! (Check edit.)
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when you are on a roll there is no stopping you .i like these continuing posts.they make you think ,they hold your interest ,they educate you and they make you smile.i saw kung fu in a whole different light after reading this.i am gleefully looking forward to the next installment .sometimes time on hand can be rewarding .at least your mind is not idle .
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Superman, eh? Hmmmm . . . lol
"Can you hear my master now?" hahaha That is a great idea. Let's pitch it and split the dough 50/50.
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Okay...we have one innocent conversation over a kick-bag...and look what happens. You take it on some wacky musing in bizarro-world...lol!!!! Let's not even talk about Superman...I'm sure you could spend hours discuss how superman text-messages the Justice League of America to co-ordinate counter attacks on the villians of Planet Earth...haha!!! Wait...come to think of it....Maybe we're on to something?!?
I can't wait for Caine's next installment of phone-the-master. LOL!! Maybe something on the order of, "master...how do I control the out-of-control stallion that's run away with the beautiful girl?"
I think you might be on to something here...a comic book maybe? New advertising campaign for Verizon? "Can you hear my master now?" WAP!!! SMACK!!! LOL!!! -
A modernized version of Kung Fo-I love it-you're imagination is still going strong as we start into this new year. Wonder what else ya got stored up there waiting to be spilled onto paper to keep the masses entertained.
Gosh cell phones-ya gotta love 'em. Heck I use mine to call my hubby who is at the other end of the store to let him know I'll be out front.
Great write-always enjoy your never ending humor~vj -
It would be interestesting to know which ring tone the Master would have chosen.
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ah yes, what we do without cell phones or laugh tracks to keep us aware of what we should be doing!! Oh my god, this was a hilarious read!! thank you for writing this....happy new year to you... suzy
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hahaha - You cracked me up with this line - "U mister have just too much time on your hands!" You're right, I do. lol
Cell phones have changed TV in a lot of ways. In the old days, when someone's car broke down in the middle of the desert, they were screwed. Now the audience asks, "Doesn't he have a cell phone?" When someone found out a bomb was about to go off a few miles away, he had to drive their real fast while the clock ticked away. Now everybody expects him to get on the phone and call someone who's closer to the bomb than he is. Cell phones have really messed things up for screenwriters. lol
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U mister have just too much time on your hands! lol!
This was good! Terrific actually! Cell phones really can be a pain in the hiney! I turn mine off or on silent just because they're annoying sometimes. My love teases me about how my phone is always on vibrate and insinuated that i have an "ulterior motive" for puttin it on vibrate! lol!
Lol! I so NO NOT!!! But... ahem... cell phones can be annoying!
Marissa.
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