The world grows flat before them - walking
Bombay, New Orleans, Chicago,
Ghana,
London,
Nova Scotia,
Hong Kong,
as if by special order,
souls on fire.
Bohemian genius, wandering gypsy
desire to know,
carves their inquisitive path.
Learn, perhaps.
To teach, they know.
The rhythm of their
syncopated minds,
opens ancient doors
left just ajar,
melts away snow and sand
beneath them.
Walking barefoot
through this time behind
seeing then, occurances,
he mourns, she cries.
Emotions flowing freely,
spawns an oasis rare,
a passage seen only
through their passion.
Creamy silken feelings,
heathen in their heat,
save them.
Their knowledge reveals the
reasons for this storm
that seizes our ever shrinking world.
Author notes
Written December 20th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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If it wasn't for your author's comments, I must say this write seemed (at least to me) to be mostly about society. Maybe that's what inspired you more at the particular time when you wrote this. Maybe you wanted to mean it as a both social and love poem, but you seemed to only - or mopstly - talk about society, leaving the part about love out. In that case, your author comments are welcome and helpful to the reader. Wishing to convey a message but actually talking about something else isn't something you alone have experience. It sometimes happens to me too. In this case, you may want to try thinking more of what you want that poem to mean, what you want it to say. That should help you get back to the whole main topic, at least in the end. However, sometimes when I did that I realized parts of the poem didn't come as natural or powerful as the others, so you must be very careful about that.
Now getting to what this poem is. I must say I find it fairly good and unique. You said people don't seem to "get" it. Well, poetry is subjective and so it is difficult to give an objective critique. In my viewpoint, real poetry shows instead of telling, and yours does show something. Good poetry as I see it makes you think rather than stating everything clearly (well, that's why it's poetry and not a scientific paper, isn't it?
)
In the first verse, I love the references to different countries. It makes the atmosphere so... cosmopolitan and unique. It's like you include the whole world in your poem. You mention 7 different places. Some consider this number as representing magic. I don't know if you were trying to use that symbol. But, if the number doesn't have a specific meaning to you and your poem, I'd suggest leaving just about 3 or 4 of those places. That's because, though I loved your idea, it may become somewhat tiring to readers. I thought one of the best parts of this was the second stanza, which seemed to stand out through its imagery and intensity, though the whole poem seems to stand out, as a matter of fact. I also thought the antithesis between snow and sands and the fact that they melt all the same was quite good and it showed much. You have a nice way with words.
~Diana -
If it wasn't for your author's comments, I must say this write seemed (at least to me) to be mostly about society. Maybe that's what inspired you more at the particular time when you wrote this. Maybe you wanted to mean it as a both social and love poem, but you seemed to only - or mopstly - talk about society, leaving the part about love out. In that case, your author comments are welcome and helpful to the reader. Wishing to convey a message but actually talking about something else isn't something you alone have experience. It sometimes happens to me too. In this case, you may want to try thinking more of what you want that poem to mean, what you want it to say. That should help you get back to the whole main topic, at least in the end. However, sometimes when I did that I realized parts of the poem didn't come as natural or powerful as the others, so you must be very careful about that.
Now getting to what this poem is. I must say I find it fairly good and unique. You said people don't seem to "get" it. Well, poetry is subjective and so it is difficult to give an objective critique. In my viewpoint, real poetry shows instead of telling, and yours does show something. Good poetry as I see it makes you think rather than stating everything clearly (well, that's why it's poetry and not a scientific paper, isn't it? )
In the first verse, I love the references to different countries. It makes the atmosphere so... cosmopolitan and unique. It's like you include the whole world in your poem. You mention 7 different places. Some consider this number as representing magic. I don't know if you were trying to use that symbol. But, if the number doesn't have a specific meaning to you and your poem, I'd suggest leaving just about 3 or 4 of those places. That's because, though I loved your idea, it may become somewhat tiring to readers. I thought one of the best parts of this was the second stanza, which seemed to stand out through its imagery and intensity, though the whole poem seems to stand out, as a matter of fact. I also thought the antithesis between snow and sands and the fact that they melt all the same was quite good and it showed much. You have a nice way with words. -
Thank you for your comments about my piece - Overheard in an Isolated Train Station. I love this kind of poem - free verse where I just let my mind literally wander where it will. I look forward to reading your poems. Thank you again
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I really like this write. It makes me feel a sort of lonely happyness as i read it. I think it beautiful.
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