The fuckedup emotions of a 13 year old girl before death

Hey Baby,
When you had to get off the phone tonight, I felt like crying. I'm not too sure why. But I did. I know I love you and I Know I want to be with you forever, but something feels weird and is making me go crazy. I need you to help me with this. More than anything. I think one of my problems is, I'm going through a hard time right now, because momma and Rusty getting back together, (which I hate). I mean, momma is not happy, she just needs a man, but I love my mother more than anyone, I hate it when people talk about her and put her down. It isn't right, noone in this family has the guts to say it to her face, but me. I think, I have a hard time with having a step-dad, because "both" my fathers did leave me. One left, when I was in my mothers womb, and the other when I was 7 years old. Why was I the one with the crappy fathers? Why was I the one with the "child-molestor/crack/weed/cocaine/drugs in gerneral// father"? Is it some how, some way, my fault? I always blame myself for everything, I always hold in how I'm feeling, people called me selfish, because I didn't want mother to be "with"..(as in married/living) with a man right now, but I am not. I am just, not ready. I have been hurt too many times. Time after time, this one..actually got blamed on ME! (the break up)..but my fault. It always is. Some how..some way. Everything, is my fault. The way I treat you, it is sucky, I am so sorry for that, you try to be here for me, but I just shut you out, because I don't want you ro hear me cry and I don't want anyones pitty. I just want someone. Someone who understands, maybe you do, but right now, I just need some time, some time to feel like I can open up, and not be scared to cry, especially infront of you. You should be the person that holds me. I need that, but..I also need time. Time to get my life in order. Time to get my feet on the ground and feel good about myself. I have thought about suicide more than 1,000 times these past 4 days. You and my mother and the hopes to get to meet my real-father (biological) one day, keep me going, I am having a break down. I am scared of hurting you. I am scared of hurting me. I just need you to understand, I am not trying to get us to break up. I am just going through a hard time, and the last thing I need is for you to leave me. I need you more than ever right now. I wanted you to call me,  but it is 12:30 and you haven't yet. That is okay though. You don't "have" to call me every second. I just need you to be here, when I need you. I mean at 4 in the morning, if I wake up crying my eyes out, I want you to be there for me. I want to be able to call you up and you tell me everything is alright. I need that. I need you to stay on the phone with me, until I am done crying and not let me go until I say "i'm sleepy". I need that so much. I need you to say "Cheyna, I love you, I'm here, through anything." I need you to stay calm when I get upset and stupid. Don't yell back, just say..please stop, or just take it. I know this is asking you alot, but I know you love me more than anything, so in your book, this is probally something you'll do Happilly for me. I hope so..if not, I am sorry baby.
Your Gorgeous in that picture, well you gorgeous in every picture, in every way. I love you so much, I want to admitt to you, as I am writing this, I am crying. I do not know why, but just the thought of you makes me want to cry and hug you, but your not here, so I hold on to my bear tight, wishing it was you. Though, I know it isn't. I will be okay, as long as your mine. I love you baby. I am going to bed, to try to sleep.
Love Always,
Cheyna.


Last letter she wrote. Anyone. They found her face down on the bathroom floor with bleach stains around her mouth.