A soul that's mine, defined
that isn't mine to hold,
an ember of desire I can't rekindle
but how can I beseech you
when your heart's so cold
as if my only purpose is to swindle
the little empathy you're
holding onto
Saving love for another rainy day
I wish I were the one that
you would come to
But it seems that you are wishing me away.
Oh, I'd rather bleed with grief
than feel apathy
Defences set to ward off all my pain
yet I ask you what release you
offer to me
To you, I'm little much beyond my name.
Beyond the superficial walls of pretence
you're throwing up in semblence of our tie,
I bite my tongue, amazed at your ignorance
For in your words, 'knowing me' is a lie.
So I will deny the urge to cry
and rage instead
I will carry out the violence
inside the confines of my head
upon a river of tears shall I swim upstream
Left alone with my broken dreams
Holding my head high
Holding my own hand
Holding my own
And you'll never know.
Author notes
Written December 25th, 2005
A contest entry
- Self-Injurious Behaviors [CONTEST] by Pookiebubu.
300 points, ended December 26, 2005, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
It's a sad piece you have here, one all too easy to relate to, I especially liked the first five lines of the second stanza. The lonelyness in the first stanza is intense and it gives me a feeling of helplessness that ends up in frustration hurt and evetually rage in the second stanza. "upon a river of tears shall I swim upstream": It's a beautiful line, beeing upon the tears as if you tuck them down somewhere, and at the same time swinming in them, which indicates that you're not entirely untop of things. Swimming upstreams, as if you're fighting them, I can picture the struggle to not let the river take you away. (Wondering if in the eight line there should be "on to" instead of "onto"..?)
Your friend
Isi -
The interesting thing about this poem is the interpretations made! It actually wasn't written about a cutting experience, but I see that with lines like,
Oh, I'd rather bleed with grief
than feel apathy
Defences set to ward off all my pain
yet I ask you what release you
offer to me
This really tells a story, of feeling alienated from family or friends, people that should be close but perhaps in reality, aren't. Rather than being able to voice and express, I'm really talking about keeping things inside. The self harm behaviour is paying out on one's self, and in reality, being alone. But poetry can have so many layers and I'm glad you both got something out of this one.
-
Yes, I can definitely relate with a need to feel something... The only thing is when you start and you feel that one thing you've been yearning for, you have to keep going back, despite the scars and pain you're truly inflicting. The ending, indicates to me, that you have found a way to move beyond your self-injuries. Am I right?
Thank you for entering my contest, and good luck! -
"I'd rather bleed with grief than feel apathy" I think this line says it all. This line is just so strong. The rest of the poem is very good, of course, but I think this is your strongest line. "I'm amazed at your ignorance" this is another strong one. The ending also amazes me. You've got some amazing points in this piece that just personify what it is to be an self-injurer. Great piece.
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