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When Mother Night embraces me deep down in her womb,
a sanctuary of peace and contentment without any gloom,
a feeling warm but lonesome starts clutching my heart,
while I ponder the reason we're such a distance apart.
Then sensations all pleasant start taking over my mind,
as your face appears like a painting smiling and kind.
The vision keeps growing until there before me you stand
so I reach out quite gently and take hold of your hand.
We smile happily at the moment our eyes finally meet,
while a shiver electric flows tingling down to our feet.
Walking into the sunlight for all around us is now bright,
now joined together as one, from the depths of the night.
Rhyming Free verse poem for contest.
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Author notes
Written on the plane flyng to meet my love for our very first meeting as we had been communicating by Email for twelve months.
RHYMING FREE VERSE POEM.
Option 2
In a list
A contest entry
- Internet Love by joleahe.
600 points, ended June 23, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Joined by Shiro Okami.
800 points, ended July 13, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lover I Haven't Met by Mc25.
450 points, ended September 17, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Rhyming free verse? Interesting concept. This is more like a story than a poem I feel. (Not a negative thing)
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Lost-Soul-Maybe. Thank you for very nice compliment on my work, for nothing please a poet more than to have his/hers work approved by his/hers peers.
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Nicely done. It flowed very well
I liked the visualization and how you gave the night
the name of mother.
Good luck -
Sandy, Dear Sandy, yes internet relationships are mostly faantasies and rarely work, as I have said so many times, so it is best to leave them that way for the then last forever because when a fantasy is lived out it ceases to exist . Rarely do they work in real life. Thanks for the comments and applause .
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Sandy, Dear Sandy, yes internet relationships are mostly faantasies and rarely work, as I have said so many times, so it is best to leave them that way for the then last forever because when a fantasy is lived out it ceases to exist . Rarely do they work in real life.
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LeeStone. Thank you mate for the comments and I agree it could do with more, but when I do, I get taken to task that there are too many commas, so I have let mid line punctuation lapse a little, except in glaring instances. I appreciate your taking the time to comment. Thanks mate.
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A rather nice little poem with good word choices and descriptions. I think if you broke up some of the lines with punctuation it might read a little better, but that's only something minor in an otherwise fine write.
~ Lee Stone -
BEAUTIFUL AND HEARTFELT POEM
Oh Barry, This is so beautiful but so sad for me to read. I am sorry this online relationship did not work out for you. . They rarely do and someone is always left hurting with a broken heart. Sometimes for a long time. This is a lovely poem my friend filled with emotion. Thank you for sharing. Take care. Love ya, Sandy
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AKSilverMarellus Thank you so much for such a sweet comment but it was written on the plane at night while flying from Australia to China to meet the lady, so it was an experience that was easy to write about for it was all happening when I jotted it down. Thanks again. Barry
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...AWWWWS! okay you put me and my poems to shame...lol. excellent write.
Kel -
wow, this is awesome, thousands of miles apart, what a precious poem..good to see this, thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest
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Dragonsear, you say the nicest things. Thanks for the applause and comment
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I'm glad you wrote the bit in your autor's notes of what this was about. By itself, it's lovely, and with the additional information makes it a bit sweeter. Been missing you, Barry. take care. hope you are well.
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A feeling warm but lonesome starts clutching my heart,
While I ponder the reason we're such a distance apart..
dese lines are so sweet !
thewhole poem unfolds a feeling of desire to meet that special 1 ! very beautifully written !
thnks for entering and best of luck !
preets -
MAGNICENT WORK ON THIS PIECE I LOVED IT
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Very nice poem, you did a wonderful job of describing the situation you were in. Such vivid imagery and descriptions really bring this piece to life. Very lovely poem!
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I did not write this to conform to any rules, and I don't agree any of the lines are forced. I wrote it under the conditions stated above. It is rhyming Free verse which does not have to conform to the rules of meter. I suggest you study Stuart Higginson's critique above and learn what it is all about before you start critiquing. I obviously didn't do what you are suggesting and that is not the case.
As a matter of interest mimiced should be spealt mimicked and encorporate is spelt incorporate.
I read some of your work and am amazed at your comments. -
the first line of each cuplet were nice but the following lines seemd unnatural and forced, you obviously wrote the first line and then mimiced it, perhaps come up with two rhymes beforehand and then encorporate them.
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Great use of language. Especially "ponder" most people just use wonder this shows you enjoy using the more exact word. Enjoyable read.
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Thank you and pleased you found enjoyment in it, and hopefully some of my other work too.
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Bazza:
This is a magnificent poem, at least, I think it is. I loved your detail, it, well, nvm, but I do love it.
"The vision keeps growing until there before me you stand",
should be a new paragraph.....For future refference.
Other than that, great job.
Love always,
Jess
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Excellent
The light of dawn by love is drawn
Electric sparks felt in our hearts
Out of the night in pure delight
The darkness gone, our light is on
Darts invade our hearts in arcs
What a sight out of the night
The light of dawn by our love drawn
Ellis -
Hi
Thanks for submitting this piece into my Contest. I am now posting critiques. Please give any due consideration to the editorial as well as topical feedback. Once you've read the editorial (and the Contest has ended), feel free to IM me and I'll edit the comment so the editing points are removed, leaving just the critique itself
However, it could be helpful to others if it remains. I will leave that up to you
Topical/Summarizing Critique:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is an enjoyable poem. I found it quite apt that, like a lover's evening stroll, it was quite "short but sweet". In the space into which your lines were compacted, you succeeded in fitting a lot of action, emotion/sentiment and imagery. As the lines are quite long, you would do well to revise your punctuation, and give more thought to punctuating the body-text of the lines themselves, so they read more comfortably, rather than just running-on. Most of my points in my editorial pertain to the punctuation, so please note, as it does affect the pace and readability of the poem overall. Your portrayal of the romantic elements of the walk, and your use of metaphor, are effective, and many such walks could be related to the one you present here. I loved the way in which you concluded your poem. Line 12 was very effective as a closing line; neither overstated, nor under-penned.
This is a good piece, and made for an equally enjoyable read
Editorial:
^^^^^^^^^^
Line 1/2) Using "when" at the beginning of a sentence tends to tell the reader that you are about to inform them of something or elaborate on an event for instance. However, you begin by saying "When Mother Nature embraces me deep down in her womb", but line 2 does not "tell" anything to satisfy/conclude the first line, although you progress to elaborate and explain from Line 3 onwards. The problem, I feel, is caused by using a full-stop (period-mark?) in Line 2, which puts a "cap" on what you are saying. Consider changing the full-stop of Line 2, to "open up" the sentence (what you're saying) further, so it will conclude in Line 3/4. It will then make more immediate sense and read fully.
Line 6) Could use a little punctuation, ie a comma after "appears", and perhaps one after "painting". This is because you are talking of various things/depicting various actions; ie the face appearing, then the painting (which is kind) smiling.
Line 10) Punctuation again; it doesn't quite make sense as is; ie a comma or two would resolve this. Consider "While a shiver, electric, flows ..." alternatively, for the grammar to suit, and for it to read more readily, you could say "a shiver of electric/electricity".
Line 11) Punctuation.
Line 12): you use end-line punctuation throughout, but the end of the poem needs a full-stop/period-mark.
Hoping the critique proves useful. Judging takes place tomorrow (Monday night, UK time).
Regards
Stuart
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It all just ended. That's the way of most e-mail romances are they are fantasy until you meet face to face and then the fantasy ends and reality begins, but I was left with many beautiful memories, feelings and emotions and was so much more richer for the experience. The old saying that a fantasy ends as soon as it is lived out is very real.
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great
ooh how sweet!!! this touched my heart! how did you guys work out after all??? great poem one of your best! keep up athe great work!!! you have talent! ~shadow~ -
This is so nice! You know the right words to use everytime! You have so much talent! Great piece!
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o wow this is alsome poem it left me speech less love it wow this is excatly how i fell thanx for entering my contest
♥ crystal
Edited on Jan 17, 1:25 p.m. because ''. -
No, it did not come to fruition but left me many wonderful memories and experiences. One must remember that email romances are nothing but a Fantasy on both sides, generally until they 'come out of the night' and meet.
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Dear Barry, I hope your flight to meet your email friend turned out well, I went to New Zealand to meet a Friend from here, he and his wife invited me, I had a wonderful time with them, my visit cemented our friendship more so, he was just as nice and gentle man as he is here on AP, we spent many hours talking about poetry and teaching e how to do Sonnets. He's my teacher here on AP, I've learnt a lot from him.
From your poem, it sounds like it went well for you, I hope you are both still in contact with each other.
Hugs Joan
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