Looking through the window of a taxi
The last time i would see your face
This is the last memory i have of you
Standing waving in this place
There was something about your voice
It told me that this was the end
No longer would i have my uncle
The uncle that was my best friend
I should have asked you to come back
Spend a little more time with me
We could have had a laugh and joke
While putting up the tree
Im so confused as how i knew it
But the atmosphere spelt it out
4 days later you were dead
And i didnt scream and shout
I just sat there in silence
As the others around me cried
I expected it to happen
But it didnt sink in that you had died
Do you blame me for leaving?
For not inviting you back home?
Was it that you couldnt bear it
to spend another christmas alone?
So now as i sit her crying
listening to your favourite song
feeling guilty and ashamed
it was my fault it all went wrong
On christmas day i will visit you
I will sit there and i will cry
And this will be the last time i do it
This is just one last goodbye
*I Love You*
R.I.P
David McCunnell
3/3/49 - 15/12/01
Author notes
make of this what you will..it is a true story. that was 4 years ago..i was only 12..it broke my heart
Written December 22nd, 2005
A contest entry
- *~*Interesting Choices*~* by Spring Rain.
300 points, ended April 5, 2006, 29 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TEN THOUSAND POINTS OF RHYME (Now 20,000+) Part 8 Sad/Nostalgia by cricketjeff.
1500 points, ended January 24, 2008, 51 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 40 of 40
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If you wrote that when you were 16 you have a great future in poetry. A very powerful evocation of what was obviously a very emotional day. Nicely rhymed and scanned.
Thanks for entering remember to get your poems into rounds 9 & 9a (you can have one in each) and get going on the fresh write for round 10,
All the best
Jeff and Sue
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Aww that is so sad! Yeah and what makes it real interesting also is that you felt it as if something was going to happen to him too. Very good write! Good luck and thanks for entering my contest!
God bless,
~Spring Rain -
This is very sad and I'm sorry about that. As a poem, this is pretty similar to the other in style, I think you either haven't changed your style much or have had some bad luck with a style coincidence in these two poems. Your rhyming scheme, flow, and intensity remain the strongest points of this poem. They are good ingredients for a good poem, though perhaps you may like to polish this some more. For example, in the line:
Standing waving in this place
There are two gerunds one right after the other and they don't really make an enumeration.. I think it may be better if you considered changing it. One variant I could think of is
You stood waving...
Anyway, thank you for entering these two poems, in spite of that problem with the rule - I appreciate your effort.
~Diana -
Excellent Write
what a nice tribute to your uncle.I know it's alway's hard to deal with the loss of a loved one.It's even harder when you keep questioning yourself, I should have done this, or I could have done that, but in reality, there is nothing anyone can do, when the good Lord decides it's time, theres nothing anyone of us can do.All we can do, is remember all the good times we did have together, remember their laugh's, remember what a good person they really were.Good Luck with your rememberances. Good Luck in this contest..Andy -
I guess we all have that sixth sense in us something is going to happen, just up to us to listen to what our instincts tell us. Its always sad to lose a loved one, no matter what time of year it is and they are missed most when family and friends are there celebrating something together... 12 years old? I don't think you should blame yourself... I definatley don't think it was your fault or that your uncle would want you to take blame either... Sometimes it is hard to think that way tho. A very emotional write... Very well written
Natalia -
A very nice poetic tribute. Sad that you didn't get to see him again of course and sad that he isn't still around. The poem has pretty good meter and flow.
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wow, this was a great poem. good job little sis!
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Wounderful
wow, I felt your pain and I thought it was written very well. I can sorta identify with what you are feeling and I just want you to know that it was ok that you dident cry right away I dident. hang in there. -
wow. this is sad, but it's really good. in a way it reminds me of my really sick grandma. lately she's been having more and more bad days cuz of her ms. and i'm fearing the worst. and that she might die really soon. i hope she doesn't. cuz she's the only one who really cares about me and what happens to me. well anyways...this is a great poem. keep up the great writing.
jen -
wow, i'm so glad you posted this, it really comforted me right now. my uncle just died tonight, christmas eve of all nights, and so i know how it is. i really liked the way you wrote it, it was truely beautiful. And i also knew the last time i saw him would be the last, just like you knew... so yeah, this was soo touching, thank you so much. losing people is so hard, i hope you're getting along really good. great poem, once again...thank you.
-erica -
This is a beautiful story. It is put together so well too. Your rhyme and rhythem in this piece is unique . I hope you have dealt with your loss I know how hard it is when you lose someone you are so close to. Keep writing the good writes and thanks for sharing.
Linda
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This is beautiful yet sad. It's obvious you had a very deep bond.
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great work babe!
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beautifully sad
omg, its beautiful! i know it musta hurt sooo bad when you heard. i keep wondering this year how much longer my family will all get together on christmas, having things just the way they are. i feel for you, but it isn't your fault he died. don't ever ever blame yourself for something like that. i don't know if you believe in god or anything, but i want you to know that you and thousands of others who are feeling heartache this year will have my prayers tonight. i will ask god to "forward" a special message to your uncle up in heaven, telling him he was very lucky to have such a loving family. pleez have a very merry christmas! -
Very effective,innocent xvampire ...
he was a very lucky uncle.I liked this peace of poetry very much
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im so sorry you had to go thorugh this. But you express your emotions really well. Keep writing its a good way to realse this. you shoud stop by my site and check out my poems
Lizzie -
Awsome
I know how you feel. I lost my dad when I was five. My cousin died 2 years ago. I lost my best friend in 1998. My Great-Grandma Died in November and my other Great-Grandma died in 1998. So believe me when I say I know how you feel. -
True story huh....how sad...verrrrry sorrrrry for your losssss... But I did like your poem and how you wrote it. Keep up the good work. I see talent in ya. Take care happy holiday xoxoxo ~Tori~
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wow, I'm speechless,what an emotional poem. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope your well. I loved this poem. Great job and keep up the good work!
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WoW, this poem says a lot... I really like it... I just... wow... I have no words good enough to describe it.. its awesome... good job...
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I'm so sorry this happened. But thank you for sharing such a personal and important poem. I hope it was healing, even in some small way.
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Sad
I read it only once but the feeling immediately sank in...Its honest,and that's why its lovely...And the way you transformed your story into a poem is just darling...I feelsad for your uncle... Good write dearest,good write
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This was truly sweet and certainly well written, a great tribute.
-Crimson- -
lovely
Beautiful write with tons of emotion and amazing flow. You describe the feelings of grief very well.
I think it can be even better though- more as a poem than as an emotional work.
"So now as i sit her crying
listening to your favourite song"
^needs to be "here" not "her."
Also, I'd change all your lowercase "i's" to uppercase ones, and maybe add some punctuation.
I apologize if you didn't want a critique at this difficult point in your life.
I hope things get better for you.
.:Marie:.
Edited on Dec 23, 4:30 p.m. because ''. -
awww this is so sad and beautiful well done
-Nat -
Hey I'm sorry about your loss. It was a beautifully written poem. The rhyming was actaully nice. You pulled me in and made me feel your pain. I hope this X-mas you feel better... Remember the good times.
Happy Holidays
~~~~X~~~~ -
-sniffles- so touching... you did a great job at writing this, the emotion was very, very strong. the flow was good and you did great at following your rhyme scheme and it sounded so perfect. great write, good luck in the contest
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i think this poem is so beautiful.. the reader can really feel your emotion. its a great write. xxlauraxx
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wow this almost made me cry. it was so emotional and written with such genuine love for your uncle. you could feel your heart break. i admire you because the rhyme wasnt forced, it was brilliant.
Best of luck in the contest.
Meri x -
awe, this is such a sad poem. amazingly written though! great job!
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sideways8 T's (infinte T's - Tracy Perfect)
It is hard to do that, to just let someone go. You were close...but do you know, that when people die they don't want you to mourn the death, but to remember the good times. You've memorialized him in this poem. So laugh when you think of him. Only think of the good times. i know it's easier said than done. I still remember my Gramp the way you have your uncle...but eh. c'est la vie.
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hey nice work i luv it so sad but i luvd it. nice job very sorry bout uncle. beautiful poem
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awesome flow.
Sorry to hear about a rough time.
but the story made a beautiful poem.
well done.xox -
It's hard to leave that kind of memory to haunt you when someone dies. But, if you two were really close, he knew you loved him and probably is sitting on your shoulder right now. Love is felt not said. This is a loving a tender tribute to a family connection.
~~~POO~~~ -
OMG! my uncle just died like 1 week ago and this is just how i acted! I AM SO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU TOO!!!
~Madi~ -
it is beautiful and very sad and i can reltaae. well done
jess -
i'm so sorry about your loss.
i can realate to the not crying...cause thats how it was with my grandma...3 years ago on x-mas day. but this was a really lovely write! keep it up!
Rage
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*sniff* it is awesome and it is so sad *tear* very emotional i believed that it happened more recently by the emotion that you expressed in this. *tear* great and emotional write
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omg i'm sooo sorry. This poem made me cry...so emotional and so true. I love the flow and rhyming. Great job with this poem and keep on writing your heart out.
Shley -
awwwww..thats very sad but it is an awesome poem...i was pretty much crying..awesome job...
-GIR-
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