White midnight flakes fall startled all around:
Their lolling dance brings hope for winds' sojourn;
As millions softly stray embraced to ground,
Their crystal shimmers sigh to woo the morn.
Wind's claws won't cut; her cool caress feels worn;
Her frozen breath, this dawn, belays to blow,
And drifts so soon afar that hearts might warm
These furrowed brows: woods carved in ice and snow.
No tracks may tread this place; no maps can show
These buried treasures which her hands have found;
Where beauty always wends, high spirits go --
Soft tendrils breathe -- just barely scarce in sound --
To hold cruel winter's blade from frozen air,
That beauty might reveal what beauty's there.
Author notes
[Spenserian Sonnet]
A Spenserian Sonnet is a form of english sonnet. Each line is iambic pentameter and the rhyme scheme is ababbcbccdcdee.
Notice the interleave of rhymes. It create a sensation of progression. I think. The feel is different from a classic english sonnet which uses a ababcdcdefefgg scheme,
This poem inspired me to write a 2 sonnet cycle allpoetry.com/poem/1697719
Option 4 - nature.
Written December 13th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Your best line is the use of "belays to blow". Belay is a great word, with its nautical echoes, and its note of trust and safetey. Well Done.
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You didn't need the picture, your poem was picture enough. That was wonderful. Oh and kutos on knowing you poetry so well, I wish I was still buff on the subject myself
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I liked it very much, expecially the two final lines. Hope you'll win the contest.
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Positively amazing. A great flow, and a great feeling. Thanks for sharing such a great piece, and good luck in the contest.
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Thank you for your kind critique. please check out my 2 sonnet cycle I wrote inspired by this poem (yes I inspire myself). It is basically this sonnet with a prequel added as well (and it has an even BETTER picture)
"Winter Arrives" allpoetry.com/poem/1697719
Edited on Dec 15, 5:28 p.m. because ''. -
This is a beautiful sonnet with a great rhyme and meter. The picture complimented well the beautiful poem but the poem itself was a penned picture. Thank you for sharing such beautiful work with me and for the wonderful gift of your creative pen. Blessed be, Nena.
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maintaining meter and rhyme is difficult. but, this is a great job. must have taken some time and thinking, though?
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GREAT JOB!!!!! :F
I love this piece and for some reason continue to come back to it, the beauty of your picture is alluring..... Great job! Your friend always,Angel
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what's so amazing about your writing style on sonnets is that you go for the impact blow but prefers the simplicity and subtleness--as if you're slyly seducing a woman you decided to court
Rae -
beautiful!
this is such a beautiful image... you can see everything clearly by your words and really see your emotion...
And drifts so soon afar that hearts might warm
These furrowed brows, woods carved in ice and snow.
No tracks may tread this place, no maps can show
Such buried treasures that her hands have found,
Where beauty also wends (high spirits know)
Soft tendrils breathe -- just barely scarce in sound --
so pretty! yet depressing! great job!
-britt -
Intriguing
Hello davidsz, Very intriguing poem and I beleive you conveyed a definite progression with this form. I enjoy an intelligent write that is bountiful with imagery and spills emotion to the end. Very Well done a sure winner!! Best wishes! Jasmine
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really a very pretty poem which is the very picture of the image you have displayed with it. not familiar with poetic forms myself, but you have done a wonderful job in writing this one and truly enjoyed the read!
Jo -
This is beautiful! The imagery is really good, i can see the scene you describe. I like the lines
"Their crystal shimmers sigh to woo the morn.
Wind's claws won't cut; her cool caress feels worn;" very well penned. Keep the ink flowing xxx
-mina- -
AWESOME JOB!!!!! ENJOYED IT!!!!!
DAVIDZ, THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF YOU WORKS THAT I CONSIDER REALLY LOVELY AND WELL WRITTEN, GOOD LUCK IN THIS CONTEST, AND PLEASE KEEP ON WRITING, I LOVE YOUR WORK. YOUR FRIEND, ANGEL
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rainwalker: I do not know if you are a sonnet fan, but I noticed this quality emerges naturally from a Spenserian Sonnet. The rhyming scheme ababbcbccdcdee creates a sensation of gradual building change leading to a conclusion. I thought that was fitting to a poem about a sudden midnight snowfall revealing hidden beauty the next morning at dawn. This is my first spenserian sonnet. But it seems to be well suited for writing about faries or natural processes or both.
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Lovely write, the way this flows each word sounds as though it is drifting down like the snow you describe in the piece. I love the slow and lazy tone this gives the poem. I also like your use of some older words, it makes this a unique write. Excellent job and I wish you luck in the contest!
~Laura -
awesome
I really love this version of this poem. I also read your old version.....I tried to pick out favorite lines, but in all honesty, I loved the poem from start to finish and thought the words you used were beautiful and the flow and rhyme was perfect....Lynda
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I loved this i thought it was beautiful and full of imagery, power and grace.
Great Work
XXX -
Ayizan: yes. Breathe.. sorry.. I've been killing myself over this poem all day... I missed that. I fixed it. Thanks!
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Great
Perfect description here. I mean PERFECT. Startled, lolling, claws, wends... you really have a way with words and I love your vast vocabulary. Not every average reader would understand this, but its very very very well written. One of the best I've seen yet today. This has earned my applause. Keep it up. You have talent and it would be a severe shame to waste it. Have a happy holiday season.
Aurelia Finn -
Maybe Im reading this wrong because I seemed to have stumbled a bit with the last line of this stanza:
With brows full furrowed, carved in ice and snow,
Such buried treasures that her winds have found;
Where beauty also wends, warm spirits know,
Soft tendrils breath just barely scarce in sound.
...my question is, did you mean to say breathe instead of breath...or was I reading the poem right??
Rae -
well the reason i think is the format of the newer own. the miltonic one seems to flow a little better to me. I get a clearer emphasis and visual meaning. but that's just how i read it I think
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Psychogenocide: really? No one batted an eyelash at the old version before. They are both "forced" in a way.. the old one is uses a petrarchan rhyme scheme.
Was there a particular rhyme you thought was forced?
I find the new one seems so much more uplifting and less forced (to me).
Of course the older one really describes a different event.
I am curious to see what others think. -
I definately think the old version works better. it doesn't feel forced like the newer one does into a format. Very nice use of language though. it has a very visual sense to it.
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It is amazing how using the wrong sonnet form can really make a sonnet inaccessible. No one was commenting on the miltonic version.. and while it means something to me.. I felt like I had to crack a nut to get into it.. and it just didn't carry me. The spenserian version finally gets some comments.
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I think that's such a suave evocation. Delicate.
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Ok.. here is the old version.. I realized this may work better as a spenserian sonnet.
Miltonic Sonnet version:
White midnight flakes fall startled all around;
Their lolling dance is hope for winds' sojourn,
Their crystal shimmers lift to woo the morn,
As millions softly lay embraced aground.
Wind's tendrils breath still blowing scarce in sound,
Her claws won't cut; her cool caress feels warm.
Her drifts afar even where coos could warn
Of burried pleasures that her snows have found.
Tonight, her frozen winds essayed to blow,
With brows full furrowed, carved in iced despair,
Where beauty also wends, warm spirits know,
And hold cruel winter's blade from frozen air.
No tracks to tread this place no maps to show;
No beauty can reveal what beauty's there. -
this poem just isn't working..... grumble
maybe I'm too tired to work on it right now
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