'Twas the night before Christmas, when I arrived at the house.
I opened the door and cried out to my spouse.
Then next to the fireplace what did I see?
My beautiful wife in a brand new nightie.
The children were nestled all snug in their bed.
"Why don't you come over here big boy" she said.
I kissed her passionatly and spun her in a snap.
Onto her knees and gave her ass a slap.
We got on the table and made such a clatter.
Once in the throws of passion what did it matter?
I tried to hold back, not known as a flash.
Wanted to make it a marathon, instead of a dash!
I held on to her breasts and her my pole.
We fell off the table and started to roll.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
A whip and a collar, what are you up to dear?
She buckled on the collar and slapped me with the whip.
Squeezed out some Ultra Glide to make sure it would slip.
More rapid than eagles the first time I came.
She whistled and shouted and called out my name.
Oh darling I love you, make me your vixen.
I'm coming, I'm coming. Hope the kids don't listen!
On top of the couch, up against the wall,
didn't leave out a place. Did it on them all.
As I plunged in and out, between her thighs.
She moaned and groaned, rolled back her eyes.
All over the house we continued to screw.
We used lots of toys and Ultra Glide, too!
Then in a twinkling, I'm such a doof.
I activated the alarm, with a siren on the roof.
As I pulled back my head and turned around,
down the stairs I heard coming a recognizable sound.
The children were coming, the sound of their foot.
We were grabbing our clothes, where were the toys put?
A bundle of toys we flung in a sack.
When our youngest walked in, his name is Zack.
His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry.
What he almost saw, I tell you was scary.
His attention was drawn to a present and bow.
Good thing he didn't see the whip and dildo.
He grabbed the present and opened it with his teeth.
Almost slipped on the ultra glide beneath.
He had a smile on his face, his dipper was smelly.
He loved his new toy covered in KY jelly.
I hid my chubby, tried to compose myself,
then saw the vibrator we left on the shelf.
The twinkle in my eye as I remembered the head.
Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread.
We didn't speak a word and it seemed to work.
Until we noticed her stockings and started to smirk.
When lost in passion, you never know,
where the clothes land or where they will go.
We sat back real cool, tried not to make a tissle.
As I grabbed a towel and hid the meat whistle.
And as she saw me, put it out of sight.
She said Merry Christmas to all, Wait till later tonight!
A contest entry
- Enter this contest or else! by MissAnonymous.
600 points, ended May 14, 2007, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Holidays round contest 1 - christmas - prewrites by serenity silvermoon.
460 points, ended December 27, 2008, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - !!!!*Making Love Intensely*!!!! by ForeverLastingComa.
490 points, ended February 22, 55 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For My FAMILY and ZOO Members Only (PREWRITES) by Paloszoo.
700 points, ended October 5, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TOTAL FILTH by Engelbert Humpalot.
550 points, ended November 19, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Naff.
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I have not had sex with my spouse at Christmas for many years as a matter of principle so this shocked me to the core. What would Jesus say? And who cares?
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O.....M.....G. Hysterical. I love it! Thanks for taking part in my special contest for my wonderfully special family! 
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rflmao!! this was great and I needed to laugh today. nice job, brother, dear.
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LOL. Now this is sure to spice up anyones holiday. Thanks for your entry.
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Roaring laughter!!!!!!
This was beyond funny! I think I was laughing so hard my boys were looking at me funny, while tears formed in my eyes. Definately going to have to have the man read this one... I'll tell him we need to see if we can duplicate it ... well...without the arlarm.
LOL.
I got a huge kick out of your wording... meat whistle was my favorite. LOL 100% full of entertainment and humour!
This was indeed a nice 'present'...thank you SO much for leading the way to this one!!
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I have a question: I'm 60 years old and we never need to use gel or anything... But my question is, if you're too gooey and glidey
where's the fun? Shouldn't there be some ... uh ... grabbing on?
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haha my favorite part
"His attention was drawn to a present and bow.
Good thing he didn't see the whip and dildo."
i laughed so hard. getting caught by the kids is no fun at all! -
Awesome sweety
This is so good. I love the adult humor. I couldn't stop laughing the whole way through. Wonderful twist on a classic. I love your imagination. Best of luck to you in the contest... You win in my book sweety.
Much love,
AP Wife,
Tali
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LOL! My brother, If you only but knew how BADLY I needed to smile with this one! LOL!
I'm telling Mom!
This was just tooo funny; much enjoyed the read! -
awww bro i really like this.
i was lmao which is a good thing.
we all can use a good laugh some times so t.y.
it really was very funny.
just another side of your amazing talent.
very, very, good job...
luv u ur sis
joyce
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What a Christmas you had 
I love it!!!What a fantastic rewrite of an old Christmas favorite.
This is sure to win!!!
~carol
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Side-splitting & Clever
A very witty parody on the old favorite. I have seen this one changed and written so many different ways and this one takes a place at the top of some of my favorites!
Thank you so much for entering
Good Luck
~MotherMachineGunn~ -
You're right it is very good! I haven't really laughed all day. Just not in a laughing mood though. Maybe that will change. But great write nevertheless.
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ROFL...Not even going to try and critique this. I'm just going to say that I'd like to have your permission to print this bad boy off and read it at all family Christmas gatherings. Whew...I'm wiping a tear right now.
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Returning the Favor
I didn't think this poem was about THAT!
Just wanted to return the favor for your comments on my poem St. Louis. This is funny and creative word. Great rhyming, I'm a huge fan of it. Funny and very impressive work. Great!
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hehehehe! This is a different side I've seen of you! How funny. Great job.
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Well undoubtedly a very curious work in terms of its description and the placement of the thoughts part which are the beauty of this work through and through.The thoughts are knitted very nicely which have brought the essence of the happening very beautifuly.The structure of this write is very tightly stated.The flow of the write is very impressive and just to the point too.I really appreciate this work.prabhudayal khattar
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Shaker, you are right that it isn't typical of you, but I gotta tell you, it was really good! I lauged out loud and had to call my nephew from the other room to read a long, and we were absolutely crying
This was great! 
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What an experience this could have been - quite an imagination you have - thanks for these laughs over this poem - lol
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Hillarious
lol... I read this when you did it,, AND was sure I had left a comment? where the hell did it go?
I loved it so much I told hubby to come and read it?
I love your style... -
Congrats on winning the gold this was truely good poem and Im just so glad you got the CUP applause's all the way
Edited on Dec 21, 7:39 because ''. -
Glad to see that you won the cup.
Shahrzad
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OMG this was excellent had me rolling on the floor
and everything just flowed together...I hope you win this contest Ive read a few and so far this is a winner -
This was great!!! Very funny! I loved it!
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excellent!
that sounds like a fun christmas
to bad zack almost caught them.
great job and good luck -
This has got to be the best thing I've read on here in a while! I can't wait to read more from you! Hysterical... I'm still laughing :-) Thanks for making my day!
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wow! hey great job here, on this poem like the input you so cleverly displayed and covered up.. good job in all respect.. thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Andy
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Totally Hysterical
Whoooooaaaaaaa! This is totally awesome!What a spin off on the real scene behind Christmas I wouldn't worry about you're reputation...you may find as I did, that there will be great support from a whole 'nother group out there
As long as you categorize them correctly, those that like this kinda stuff will cherish it, and those who don't will read your other great works.I wish you the very best in the contest, this is a weiner in my eyes Dragon Tamer
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that was awesome. i dont think im gonna enter the poem anymore, it would be useless now. lol. i loved the humor.
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