cloak in smoke a jet black flower
send to mend chime and choke
bitter pit of the black plumed crow
pail paint of the white washed snow
sign of the summer flower
wine glass tossed to the floor
sigh as the white light withers
through ice will the lotus grow
Author notes
Written December 5th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Beautiful poem! Nice work..
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Intriguing
A well shaped poem, I liked the first and last lines, such suggestive images. Some things to think about: 1)pruning: is it really neccessary to have so many adjectives to describe what you're writing? think about dropping line 3, in my opinion, it doesn't help the rythmn of the poem and detracts from the picture you're painting here. 2) likewise with line 4: is this line really neccessary? 'pail paint of the white washed snow'
(there's also a spelling mistake here as well, pail is spelt pale unless you were thinking about the object)
but do you need so many adjectives to describe snow? seems a little OTT
Hope this all helps
Keep writing!
Edited on Dec 31, 10:00 because ''. -
I really like the alliteration and rhyme. Plus, I'm a huge fan of lotuses. I almost wish it were longer, so it could explain itself a little better, but I really like the images it conveys. keep it up-
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this is absolutely stunning. it's so beautifully written, i love it. i love the imagery too..i saw everything you were writing about. this poem is short, yet so, so just..incredibly. i love it!
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I didn't get it either. Could you it explain it to me?
Safely hidden in the darkness,
~ The Rocker who lost all aka Sacred Shadows -
I really like this. Graet write. Thanks for sharing.
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i can honestly say i didn't get this poem or i should say what you meant by it. even so i like it
because it's flexible...the words can fit to anyone's imagination of what they think it means.
excellent play on words too
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