i lay down to sleep, cracking
the window only enough
to stir
the stale air, but not press pale
my flat face. narrow,
the crack exorcises
whistles of wind, as though
a choir of crying children
drifts over my covers
in a thin line. beneath the motherless,
disembodied song rolls a throbbing
hum, a thoughtless mechanical pulse, a
catatonic metronome pacing the hymn
of begging orphans.
in kind, i howl.
Author notes
Written December 5th, 2005
A contest entry
- dear. we must eat the liver. sweet as june. we must. dear. by jaunty pill.
300 points, ended June 20, 2006, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Going through the poems while judging. This too, is incredibly well put together. Technically brilliant indeed. I'd feel like an ass if I chose two poems by the same person- so, I'm removing this one and keeping the other. Thanks for entering this and for the chance to rediscover your writing.
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Oh shush, mush. I meant it nicely. :@P
Edited on Dec 27, 5:02 p.m. because 'I added an offensively cute smilie by mistake.'. -
thank you, blue. i aim to be 'technically brilliant' since art is so elusive. i leave the door open
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The assonance and (remarkable) dissonance is rather beautiful here; air cracks catatonia. Well formed, and the emphasis on pairs of symmetrical phonemes is technically brilliant.
The imagery similarly intelligent; the choral and the natural together make for a set interesting interplay (plural?). Bleak, yes, and haunting. Thumbs up for opening windows. Especially liked use of "motherless".
Jai -
thank you very much. however, if you'll notice how i've listed my poetry on my author's page, all my poems are categorized as 'contemporary' and 'nature', which i think are applicable to everything i write. it is not nature in the television documentary sense but, to me, everything is nature.
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You have this listed as a nature poem but I don't think it belongs here. You have hidden an immense amount of dark, tortured, personal tones behind a little nature imagery. This is my favorite piece from you.
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perfect ending.
:]
l-.
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