Inhale the dust
From the ashtrays of my chromosomes
Like a deep breath of Blood
Converted by force and default
Into a second-hand reanimator.
The cheap directives
Of a conscience sold into oblivion
Dissect the patches of some lines unloved
And scornfully mistype my Self
Into an Asylum of Knots
Generously bleeding your formulae.
The nails of my virtue being
Stapled with the docile mundanity
Of the corrupt genetic citizenship
Granted to be taken for granted,
Yet puns can be vulgar and tiresome
Or tired and swollen like your veins
Throbbing out my Essence
Into a system of Life,
An equalizer for sunsets under construction:
Will you Repair my skies now?
Author notes
Written November 11th, 2003
A contest entry
- Free Write for Free Thinkers by Pleading Artichoke.
300 points, ended December 10, 2005, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - methadone & thistle ( to burn a poem ) by jaunty pill.
1800 points, ended May 9, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Me again. I came back to leave a few critical things that did bother me to a certain extent....
" Into a system of Life.
Into an equalizer for sunsets
Under construction.
Will you Repair my skies now? "
- I think this lead me astray...I do see the connection but I wonder if you might consider leaving out the punctuation or perhaps editing to complete the images more? I ask because it does seem rather abrupt for a poem that was so eager to captivate me. Just food for thought.
Another thing that stood out was
" Systematically bleeding off your formulae. "
- I want to put this out there and say that I think this line could be fixed a little...Might be the use of the first two words. If you read them out loud they both end strongly with the same sounds. I think a simple edit could do the trick. And the use of " off " doesn't seem to work. Possibly because of syntax. It might also be because I am reading this from a different perspective. However , I do think a better word used there could be in order.
There you have it. My nit-picks of your poem. The last time I stopped in I didn't get a chance to mention the above. Surprised I even remembered..lol. But memory seems to be rampant in my family.
- James
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How rich and reflective , The way the words speak...Move ( Haunting ). You absolutely followed the contest guidelines.
Your word use is visual and poignant. It reminds me of a musical waltz.
I shall return during the contest and possibly after to add more feedback , Etc.
Thanks for entering and good luck ,
James
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As usual, it's a pleasure to add something to your magical world, dear James.
Lyan( GothicTulip )
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Excellent
Well, Gothic Tulip I loved this piece. A sense of ingenuity and newfound passion. The words leap off of the page and grab my attention like a bear knawing at my naked flesh. You always amaze me with your anecdotal pieces of poetry. How do you create such wonderful pieces? Besides I saw your picture on your personal page you are rather ravishing. I'm guessing from the looks of it you are an Athena. -
I <33 the Beginning, just amazing.
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