Fortress
walls of paper kept the world at bay
cubes of indistinction none would see
where settled there within a watcher peered
the dusty brown a perfect camouflage
propped against a wall or by a hedge
passed a thousand times by reckless feet
corrugated fibers held the wind
so that the space inside was made to form
a child’s island haven from the storm
sometimes it was a spaceship among the stars
sometimes a moon-base on a barren scape
sometimes a roving tank all battle-scarred
but always it provided safe escape
Goliath
shaped from molten vats of ore
molded by a burning greed
riveted with violent force
pieces merge to fill a need
manifest from heavy silence
oils surge and slowly drip
uncertainty across the roads
power charges through its frame
explosions channeled in its chest
to serve a senseless master’s will
tires grind an alley’s dirt
shadows steer a ghostly wheel
the phantom grill athirst for blood
Impact
black lightning strikes the living clay
evaporating life from every limb
suspending consciousness alone
void of breath yet interfused with fear
tires spin throughout the dark
an engine roars above a twisted neck
inches from a lifeless face
psychic tethers anchored in vibration
a heedless monster lumbers back
the shelter shattered open like a nest
blood resumes its former course
and wild bones reanimate the flesh
a figure stands and staggers numb with pain
screams and scampers filled with terror
headlights rear and fade away
a child’s bones left fractured like his mind
Author notes
to learn more about the trisect: allpoetry.com/Column/1780251/all=1
Written December 2nd, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
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long but this poem is really exciting, the more someone reads it the more the person wants to keep scrolling and scrolling down to read some more. This is artistic, this is fascinating and this is really interesting. WeLL Done About This Piece! Hope to check up on your other poems more!!!
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thankyouthankyouthankyou. love comments like this, that actually let me in on my reader's interpretive experience! yay!
Edited on Mar 25, 8:13 p.m. because ''. -
My first reading and interpretation of this piece was ..and actually remains... the same in the other four times I read it over again before commenting. I guess I'm a stubborn, set in her ways old gramma...
Fortress.....A piece of cardboard is a childs world sometimes, becomes many things to him, imaginary spaceships and such, a hiding place, a place of protection from the elements...his fortress and his playground
Goliath..... molten metal formed into parts for an automobile, mans' macho self image, desireous of power, speed, seemingly not caring what the possible consequences might be
Impact.... the final blow which consumes life, destruction left in it's path. The protective fortress destroyed, the blood flowing, broken bones seeming to hold onto life as it slips away, leaving only mindless pain and broken body, then lifeless ....
There's more this leaves me with, but words escape me. I found that I was holding my breath by the time I was midway through this superb write.
I see the connection, the seperation of this very intrigueing form which you've developed. I must give it a try
Dee
Edited on Mar 25, 7:36 p.m. because ''. -
awe inspirng
I have to say I am utterly blown away- in particular by this one. I love the impact section of the poem best- due to the mention of the lightening hitting the clay and the childs broken bones. It made me think how- when lightening strikes sand it turns it into glass and how easily glass can shatter.
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I see that (not surprisingly) I have MUCH to learn about this... and about writing in general. I will be back; I'm now just beginning to take in this form. I hope I don't become supersaturated!
letting it Lightly seep in for now, Daniel
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love your insights. very glad you enjoyed! there's another trisect called "Three Ravens" that i'm suddenly very curious how you'd react to.
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Yes, yes, I know, you already seem to have so many comments on this piece that there seems to be no point in me commenting on it. But I HAVE to comment on truly admirable work. For me, each poem had a very moving line, and you have good emotive and especially sensory cue words like :numb, reckless, athirst.
(The words aren't in order for any particluar poem, but you used them)
1st poem: a child’s island haven from the storm
Very meaningful and deep line here, this is where you really hit the bullseye about your poem subject, a haven someone creates for themselves, whether in writing, or elsewhere.
2nd poem: to serve a senseless master’s will
Very, very sad to me. In this line, it occurred to me a big point here is that people just take things for granted so much, that we become sensless in our wants and needs.
3rd poem: a child’s bones left fractured like his mind
Oh, wow. This was a big shocker. The shelter is gone, reality is back, and you can't take what happens for granted becasue now its real and happeneing...
Yes, I leave in depth comments occaisionally, hopefully you read this. If I ot everything completely wrong, just delete my comment.
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Wow. I don't know if I get the picture I get because I just read your column on trisects or if I would have gotten it anyway, but I find this to be quite the powerful write. It is quite the emotional and brutal experience from my perspective. I sort of wish I had read it before I read the column though just so I would know if I would have gotten the same impact from it stand alone.
It could be my frame of reference as well. As a child, I often had a giant box to play in and was always warned about not taking it into the road. My mother always worried if she ever passed a box in a roadway that a child might be inside. For whatever reason, that is the connection that I make with the piece.
I like the vagueness of the piece because it does force me to draw my own conclusions. But the conclusions seem quite vivid for me. It reeks of shock without using language deemed shocking.
Glad I stopped by to take a look -
once again I am speechless your works are amazing. the line 'propped against a wall or by a hedge
passed a thousand times by reckless feet' is absoulute genious.-Sharona
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Excellent!
A novel form! It conceals much more than what it should reveal!
Well! The form will be more elaborated as more and more poets contribute "TRISECTS"
drhemantvinze@yahoo.co.in,drvinze@hotmail.com -
I liked the last part the best. "Impact". I felt danger along with suspense. You know what your just a genuine that is all there is to it. I could write a million comments a day on your work and still not nail it down. It would be about as vauge as saying Good write or love it or my favorite "Hope to see more soon" with nothing else to accompany it.
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Excellent
This is a great poem. Very good imagery. My favourite lines "power charges through its frame, explosions channeled in its chest, to serve a senseless master’s will" WoW! And of course the last four lines are just superb. Very thought provoking! Thanks for sharing. Sara -
Cool. Festive greetings Lauriette person !
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that reminds me, i was supposed to type up an explanation of this form for someone and email it to someone. i should try to do this soon. i can send you a copy if you're interested when i get around to it.
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Trisect , the drama of a three legged insect ? This is what moves me in poetry, thanks for the refreshment. There always seems a cure and I guess this one was it. Erin thanks
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I remember my fortress days, camping out in a tent, or even a blanket thrown over a table amde a wonderful escape for the child that was me. The factory goliath is an endless beast that spawns her greedy offspring in my area. Oil plants carve out their claims with wanton disregard for that replaced. Too bad, it all ended with the collision of tangled metal. Gotta love this stuff. Thought fodder served on a silver tray.
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Erin, I am sure that I have commented on this piece of work although I can't see it here. however to make up for what I have cost you I will give you my applause. Sorry friend it says that I can only applaud once. I don't know where my comment is!
Edited on Dec 08, 4:53 p.m. because ''. -
wow your good, I wish I could right like this
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xxRising! so nice to hear from you! glad you're keeping busy and enjoying life.
oddly, i like the first part the least and the last part the most, which leaves the middle portion as my second favorite part. lol
by the way, this poem is using the idea from that challenge. i've decided to give that challenge idea proper form and to explore it myself for awhile. so now you have at least one example. my wife wrote two of these. i'm calling this form the "trisect".
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excellent
hmmmmm, erin. very interesting. first off, Fortress was definitely my favorite.
My favorite stanza:
sometimes it was a spaceship among the stars
sometimes a moon-base on a barren scape
sometimes a roving tank all battle-scarred
but always it provided safe escape
Yet, in all this, I think the most interesting from a writer's standpoint was Impact. I have never, EVER seen you write remotely like you did in this section of this write, so it was interesting for me to see a slightly less structured, and very much darker area of your words, and possibly you (yes, people are multi-sided).
excellent.. seriously.
i didnt like the middle verses half as much as i liked fortress and impact, so i reccomend looking them over- add a little more emotion, depth and power to them... they seem like merely strung words to me, and your writings never given me that.
by the way.. i havent had any time to work on your challenge. ive been doing high school applications, schoolwork, and been studying for entrance exams. lifes been more than hectic, for ive also been riding 6 hours a week with, miraclously, other time stuffed in there. i hope to get to it soon.. wish me luck -
a child’s bones left fractured like his mind
Yes, this sounds like something you would write. I Got the last part of the poem. It describes a car collision.. but something else seems to be behind the whole plot. The last few sentences are very good..
I don't understand the title but that could be my teenage brain's malfunction.
shaped from molten vats of ore
I have no clue what your talking about in this sentence.. vats of ore, I can imagine that.. shaped from?? eh?
Overall, this is very confusing, but I liked it
!
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excellent write
Your cheering section has hit all the high points. Myself, I think it's damned good. I am not sure whether it reminds me more of a war story here on Earth, or a war story somewhere among the stars. I suspect David Summers would like it, and I think Sara Russell would too. It's true that it isn't quite your normal style, but that's not important. What's important is that you did such a good job with what you were working with, free verse. All in all, excellent write. -
very well written
Beautiful poem. I am in awe of the way you have managed to let the reader see many images and keep the intensity of the emotion strong throughout the whole write. I enjoyed this one.
etherealforu
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no offense but i feel like i this is scifi in a bible
The layers built an impressive virage of images
Rae -
Everything about this poem is wonderful. It is so impacting not only with its words but reading it truly makes you feel the words. I havent read a piece this good in a while. Very well done.
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Dude, this is awsome. I like the meter that it has and I may just have to steal it. I mean this in the very best and most compimentary way, since I don't know or like a sane poet. Seek professional help, cause you got bats inside
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Hi Erin. This piece sounds 'Oh too familiar'; but your writing is always something I can easily relate too, keep up the good work. Catie
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Great work!
How much time did it take you towrite this beautiful piece of art?
Keep it up.
Best wishes, Nano -
these middle 2 stanzas were the best.. in the last block...
tires spin throughout the dark
an engine roars above a twisted neck
inches from a lifeless face
psychic tethers anchored in vibration
a heedless monster lumbers back
the shelter shattered open like a nest
blood resumes its former course
and wild bones reanimate the flesh
peace -
Erin, this piece of work chills me to the bone. My interpretation of it lends visions of the Middle East.
Fortress.
children playing in a make believe world of cardboard.
Goliath.
Am armed vehicle or tank.
Impact
The shell hits, death and destruction, mangled children.
A real insight on how we live today. A great right my friend, but then your work always is. Val -
absolutely amazing That is a beautiful write my friend. I could picture everything. great job,done here
Thank you for sharing purely amazing -
some really beautifully created lines and images. I don't know if my initial take on this was as to a near-death experience so much as what was felt accident/war-like imagery. I have read it a second time keeping this information in mind, and yes, it is there, but not explicitly spelled out to the reader, which is fine. It just didn't come to me initially and I just don't know if others will read this into your poem, or it might be read without benefit of your subsequent comments.
overall a really excellent poem, and as far as my own comments, you know your own intention of the poem best.
Jo -
this is beautifly done. I admire your skill. and experiences. not to mention phrasing/ structure
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Hi, wonderful poetry my friend, but then again I don't expect any less from you, you capture me from the first poem of yours I read and still cature me with every posting, great , you have my applause, hugs Di
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In Fortress I see a world I used to play in a very long time ago, and sometimes wish life is still as innocent as it was for ME then.
In goliath,
I feel a battle that I am battling that cannot be won, I feel an urgency in this structure...
In Impact I relate to the impact that I feel and felt given the news that I have gotten....
This is such a poetic form of expression
Great Job Erin
YBA -
Rowan: emergence from a lifelong fugue state--which promoted an active imagination, fantasy, and self-absorption--to the harsh realities of a broader world that i don't really have the option of escaping from in certain ways is definitely a part of this poem. i knew i couldn't pretend that the world ouside my own mind, beliefs, ideas, and mental inventions had to be dealt with--faced--because it could kill me if i didn't look at it and ascertain its nature. in fact, this is possibly the primary archetypal subtext of this poem. your thoughts are insightful.
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Having a head cold, I read this more than once. I'm alittle slow these days, so my interpretation is probably based on how I write, and how my mind is working.
I took this as emergence from a world of books, writing; imagination; a state of naivety perhaps , into a harsher and crueler reality, whether through an actual event, or a metaphysical one. And how in the end, we face our collision of reality fractured and numb, but still intact.
Great form, and a thoughtful read.
Thank you, I truly enjoyed having to rattle my cold-riddled brain on this one, even if I'm way-off!
Now I think I'll go suck on my pen, and write an ode to Tylenol!
Another stunning write Erin.
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Okay. Near death experience. I'm not sure I really got that, unless it was in the structure of the poem. As far as semiotic structure, I guess I would have to know what to look for. I just looked to a certain parallelism between the characters' relations to their externality (if that makes sense). As far as leaving a poem open for the reader, I agree that it can be good. Specificity has it's own merit, but an open poem has more spiritual applications for the reader, and a wider possibility for deployment in terms of its effect.
The closest I've had to an out of body experience was when I took NyQuil and NoDoze at the same time lol. It was pretty crazy. I also try to draw on my experience and relate it through having the structures of language emulate the structures of perception in an altered state of consciousness. I attempted to convey somewhat the feeling of being under the sway of datura in my latest story (Bobby Rose, You Fucking Asshole). I'm not sure that I was doing it semiotically so much as I was trying to emulate the rhythmic nature of that perception, and its non-reticence, the tendency to lose time and context regularly.
I'm very interested in the connection between how perception creates reality for the conscious and how description creates reality for the reader. For what that's worth.
Mike -
Oh it's a car! I thought of war and dreadful mass destruction - perhaps I'm a little sadistic!
I'm glad you survived the experience!
And I like the title - the "merge" part shows that the three elements are part of one thing.
LB -
Memorable
Fortress:
I think this part if taken purely on it's own could be describing a child at play, building fantasy "dens" out of bits of card found around the house etc. Or it could just as easily describe a homeless person trying to forget where they are. Or it could be a real battle situation. I think it's impressive that the same lines could lend themselves to so many things.
Goliath:
This is about a tank right? it gives the impression of a living beast but it must be about something manufacutured from what is said in the first few lines. Assuming it is a tank I think it is very effectivly done, I like the idea that it has no intent of it's own, it is "to serve a sensless master's will".
Impact:
Clearly the two things coming together. I think this gives very vivid images and is more than a little disturbing. The only part I wasn't sure about was "and wild bones reanimate the flesh". It almost sounds like something coming back to life - I wasn't sure.
Thw whole thing together as one piece is very frightening and leaves me with memories of the news items I have seen from Iraq and such places. You have done a VERY good job of creating something that will stay in my mind for quite a while.
I am going to read the other comments now and see what everyone said - I wanted to comment before I had been influenced. Sorry if it turns out I have only repeated the views of others!!!!
LB -
spamwitch: if you have any reaction or response at all, i'll enjoy hearing it. there's no wrong or right when sharing with me your interpretation of one of my poems. i enjoy insights into thought processes other than my own. lol
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MIDS: feel free also to entertain and hopefuly enjoy interpretations that might relate to your own experience. i have a strong desire to create poetry that allows readers to create their own experiences from it, author intent asside. practice practice practice.
but, yes, you're closer to the author intent now.
this is a structured poem, so it's following certain rules. they're my own rules, granted, but they force upon the poem an interrelationship of symbols and imagery (some of the rules are semiotic rather than schematic). the idea is that writing in this structure will cause me to develop in a few areas where i know i'm weak.
NDE = Near Death Experience--i died, at least twice actually. i was 14 years old. i built a box hut in an alley three blocks from my home and spent the night in it because i was at odds with my mother. while i slept, literally in my sleep, the box with me in it was smashed by a car--probably around 1am.
it's hard to explain why i know my heart was stopped...it has much to do with where i "went" at that moment.
Edited on Dec 02, 6:01 p.m. because ''. -
Wow, okay, now I feel very blown away, because you have far surpassed me in deep thought. I had a hard time following this and will come back and read it again, it was not your writing, as much as my complete lack of understanding of real poetry so don't take it the wrong way. I am truly impressed.
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Could you please clarify for me what NDE is?
I consider emergence to be the event of one element coming out of a state of being fused with another element. In the sense of this poem, the only place I can see that happening is in that, the second part coming after the first, with our ordinary reading habits we assume that this is the same being, and begin to comapare the car with the box. We then see the first personality, the child, emerge from that fusion by way of the collision of the two elements, and they're consequent separation. So this is both a convergence, and an emergence - an emergence by way of ambiguity. In terms of temporality, of it's effect on the reader, an emergence can be seen to happen on a close reading. The question is whether that is the major theme in the mind of the reader upon completion of a read.
Or... I could see this as the child's emergence from an imaginary state.
Okay... Is this the memory, emerging from his fractured mind? In this case, his own ego, his identity is getting mixed up in the other person's, to emerge at the end with a mostly whole version of the memory..
Yes, I see this now as an emergence of a memory, though those other emergences seem to be there too. Definitely a very layered poem.
Mike -
i thought about it some more and realized there was away to change the "pass by" line such that it became clearer what i meant, and also retained a respectible measure of ambiguity.
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you're right. i didn't intend the ambiguity, and at first i was horrified once you drew my attention to it. lol
but now that i've gone over it a couple of times, it's dawned on me that the child would be circling his own box fort as much as his box fort would be passed by. the ambiguity actually kind of works when i think on it in this way, and it's growing on me.
yes the title might change, though it's also growing on me bit by bit. i couldn't decide on a title after pondering it for over an hour, so i closed my eyes, thought about the poem without thinking about the title, and then said "a word that expresses the overall sentiment!" and "Emergence!" popped straight into my head. considering... i figured i'd give it a try. there are various layers of emergence involved: emergence of awareness; emergence of the castastrophe; emergence of life and increased awareness through the ordeal of an NDE; emergence of mortality--and of course the connexion with "emergency", too. i might end up tweaking the title to reflect more the psychically fractured nature of the poem, though without actually changing the title. -
Reading my bit on 'passed by', I think I should elaborate. The dificulty was in determining what was passing and what was being passed.
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Hmmm... The title, Emergence, seems to be misleading to me, since this seemed to be about a collision. The only emergence I saw was the child coming out of the box at the end. While the poem does seem to detail an 'emergency', the paradigm of emergence made me think something hidden was going to come forth. I found some similarity between the child hiding in the box, and the (man?) hiding in the vehicle, but they aren't the same person I don't think, because this seems to describe a single event.
A more specific criticism: look at 'passed by' in line 6. When I read it the first few times, it made me think that the kid was moving around with the box. I read passed by as in "I passed by the pastry shop on my way to the deli", not "the crowd passed by the beggar without dropping change into his basket". I don't think you intended the ambiguity, so perhaps a word change is in order.
I liked the 'explosions channeled in its chest' stanza quite a bit. I found the descriptions intriguing, in general.
I wasn't able to tell the significance of the difference between the three and four line stanzas, if there was supposed to be some significance.
In any case, this was quite an interesting read.
Mike
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