Love of a Lifetime by DrkPoet at All poetry

For you my love with pen in hand I write this rhyme
dedicated to the special magic of a love of a lifetime.
My first thought is of you each morning when I awake
your love is what breathes life into every breath I take.
Remembering a moment we've shared through the day
reminds me of just how much I love you in every way.
Your gentle touch still makes my heart pitter patter
and yours being content is all that will ever matter.
Each night as I fall asleep you're the last thing I think of
drifting into a slumber and dreams of your contented love.
True and everlasting love only fate and destiny weave
giving a beautiful gift to two hearts and souls to receive.
Through time and space bringing soul mates together
and connecting their hearts for eternity with a satin tether.
Overwhelming all senses as desire and passion overflow
with each passing moment love and commitment grow.
Mere words are simply not enough to describe or explain
the extent of the love you have given my heart to contain.

Author notes

Written December 1st, 2005

In a list

A Rose Is A Rose... • next in list

A contest entry

Love me, love me with hate, any type of love poems allowed by Lost In Isolation. 300 points, ended May 28, 2006, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

What did you think

Comments

1 - 19 of 19

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
crystallynnbradford
May 4, 2006
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like it like it. The format is in a sonnet, however it is not a sonnet. Love the rhyme scheme.
Phed
April 10, 2006
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Nice poem! I see the love in every line! Well done and good luck in my contest!
cookie crumbs
March 10, 2006
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very well written adn I am very veyr impressed! good luck!

~Brooke
Niki1227
March 6, 2006
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you truly have a beutiful soul my friend if only some one could express so much love for me Nik
Stuart Higginson
January 27, 2006
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Hi

Critique at last, delivered in two sections. Thanks for submitting this.

Editorial
^^^^^^^^^

Line 7) "piter pater" should be "pitter patter".

Lines 9-10) You need to look at these again, as they do not connect. Line 10 is set to follow from line 9, but unfortunately it says something completely different. However, this can be resolved by swapping the words in line 9 around a bit. ie put "each night as I fall" to the end of line 9, so it will join on with line 10 immediately, and move the current end of line 9 to its beginning. They will then be correct.

Line 14: there is a triple rhyme-match here, which disrupts the flow/metre that you have implemented in this poem's structure throughout. This is because "forever" also comes very close to matching the rhyme of "together", so it greatly weakens the impact of "tether". Consider another word in place of "forever" there, so the match of rhyme at the ends of lines 13-14 remains firm.

Topical/Overall Critique:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This is a pleasant poem that has an effective rhyme scheme throughout (though do note my point above, concerning line 14). It was relatively easy to follow, and reading it did not involve much forced effort. In some areas, where you are saying more than one thing in a sentence, or where the sentence is rather long and unpunctuated, it would improve the flow and readability somewhat if you considered employing punctuation; ie a comma here and there, in the body text not just at line-endings. The pace would then be more effective and consistent.

I especially liked line 11: the weaving of fate and destiny. I use this theme myself, in a poem "The Loom Of Life". It works well ~ threads of patterns and tapestries of life and time; universal forces!!!

There is a strong use of sentiment and emotion in this piece, and I felt the balance between subtler and more powerful emotions and sentiments was achieved nicely. There is indeed a message of true love within this piece!

I hope this critique proves useful.

Regards
Stuart
HopelessUnwanted
January 12, 2006
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great write!
grannyeri
January 12, 2006
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Lovely sentiments expressed in these lines, filled with rhythm and rhyme -flowed well and is easy to read and understand.
rosebud
December 5, 2005
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Splendid!!!!!
crystallove
December 5, 2005
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wow This is so fascinating and seems like a beautiful story. I liked the meaning held behind it. beautiful inagery and nice tone and good flow i am intrigued by the lines
keep penning
mellymae777
December 4, 2005
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i like this write a lot. i think some of the rhyming sounds forced and some of the lines should be shorter. but i love the idea that you wrote something so emotional. nice job keep it up.
Shadows of wolves
December 2, 2005
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Man I wish someone would write about me like that or at least i wish i had some to write about like that. a most touching and heartfelt verse.

Wind
WrapMeUpTight
December 2, 2005
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Wow....reading this was like having someone look into my heart...you explained every feeling i feel everyday....this is an amazing write....good luck and thank you for entering.

Always
Bridget
effundo
December 2, 2005
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This is a hard one to judge. You've certainly delivered what was asked for in the competition but i do feel from a poetic viewpoint you could have done better.

Rhyme schemes such as this are very generic and offer nothing in the wa yof originality or concept:

Your gentle touch still makes my heart piter pater
and yours being content is all that will ever matter.

Their is also no control on the meters and stanza breaks are most definitely needed.

The best advice I can give to you from someone who made the same mistake in the past is dont force a rhyme, if you're hellbent on rhyming then try and add a metaphor here and there or say something universal of love but in a way that is both moving and novel.

As the poem stands and sycophants aside I know this is the most honest critique you've had so far on this poem.
SexyAngel0418
December 1, 2005
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WOW... This is a very beautiful poem!!! YOu did a great job on this!!! It is very loving and beautiful!!!

Beth

PS Good luck in the contest!!!
darell
December 1, 2005
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Lovely!
Oh what a beautiful Hallmark moment captured on canvas!
This was a very affectionate poem reeking with romance and amour. The emotions of love were obvious. It's always a special treat to see love expressed with such heartfelt feelings
of devotion. Bravo!!
Tattboy
December 1, 2005
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A good effort. Especially liked "Through time and space bringing soul mates together and connecting their hearts forever with a satin tether."

Just a personal preference ... In a poem of this length I prefer some variation in line length. Not a criticism of this poem, just a general comment.
LittleD1981
December 1, 2005
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This piece is really touching and brought a smile to my face. It's so wonderful to have someone in our life that we love and inspires us so.
PrabhuDayal Khattar
December 1, 2005
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It is a great heartfelt write revealing the melody of the love in the beautiful words of the poetry through and through. The thoughts are very deeply taking us towards the sweet music of athe sentiments of love very nicely. The beautiy of the write lies in its softness which has been dealt with the gentel heart very delicately . The write is really an impression of the complete love in the scenario of the life of the lover . I must say it is just great loveful attempt..prabhudyal khattar
spamwitch
December 1, 2005
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It must be an extremely wonderful person to enspire the kind of words that you express so deeply in this poem. Truly I am amazed, and hope that someday, I can say this with such vindiction and truly mean it like you seem to do. This is an absolute tribute to your loved one.