My parents got divorced when I was 4 years old. I grew up without a male role model, so my mom was trying to do both roles – mom and dad. She use to go to work for some different businesses, but then she decided to start running a nonprofit and staying at home. She didn’t make much money so we weren’t the richest family, but she provided for my brother and I and gave us a good house to live in. Due to a lack of a father, I have grown up not learning important life lessons like things about cars, how to get a date... you know, the essentials in life.
Here’s a poem that I described a little bit of the pain of the divorce: allpoetry.com/Poem/1572582
My older brother (who's 23 now), ran away when he was about 13. He kept coming back and kept running away. He went to several different places, foster homes, secure facilities, etc. He kept trying to start his life over and kept messing up. So it was really hard on me with him. Getting up at 2 in the morning to do a 2 hour round trip drive somewhere to pick him up from jail wasn't fun, if you know what I mean. Now, for anyone who’s wondering, my brother is living in Fort Colins, Colorado. He’s started over his life, is living with some great Christian guys, has a job, and everything is going well for him. The reason I mention him in my testimony is because this really impacted me during the years that I was most hurting and most away from God. Both Fatherless and Brotherless can be hard on a little kid.
Now, at 4 years old, you don’t know why things happen. People try to tell you that everything isn’t your fault, but the age of reason/logic is between 7-11, so I didn’t know why everything was happening. All I wanted was my daddy back. I needed the attention to be on me, but my brother got it all with his… revolting, I guess you’d call it. I didn’t get the attention I needed as a 4 year old and it really hurt me. My brother had his way of getting out his pain – anger. What was my way? I really don’t think I had a way.... All of my emotions just bundled up inside and stayed there, not being able to escape.
Back in 5th grade (near the end), my mom started dating this guy. At first I didn't really like him... just another guy my mom dated. Then I began to get to know him and he was really cool. I have never had a real fatherly figure in my life (which basically every guy needs) so I began to rely on him. I opened up to him and let him in on some secrets that I had been keeping. On July 14th, 2000, Ian Graham was killed in a motorcycle accident. He had been riding motorcycles for a long time and was really experienced. So it wasn’t like he was a newbie and was dumb or something.
Here’s a poem that describes that day: allpoetry.com/Poem/1642592
My aunt use to run a business where she'd go around and sell candy and nuts and stuff to people who worked at other companies. She had a route and such. It was Mountain Man (if you've ever heard of it). I went with her that day. We drove past the site where he was killed, but at thetime I didn't know that it was him. I went over to a friend’s house afterwards and when I came home I found out.
It was pretty hard on me and resulted in me becoming manic depressive, although not to the point where I ever tried to kill myself. The one man who was more of a father to me than my own father was taken out of my life so basically I was ripped in two. The stuff with my brother was still going on plus some other stuff so it just added to the pain. It was also really hard on my mom so she couldn’t be the best mom I needed at the time.
My mom and I were traveling a lot back then because she taught all over the world and I went with her, so I dropped out of public school and became homeschooled. So, then I didn't have any friends and I stopped going to church. I slowly turned my back on God and got farther and farther away.
I went to a couple of councilors, but no one could help, no one could understand. All of my emotions were bundled up inside and I had no way of letting them out. I felt angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at my dad, angry at my mom, angry at everyone. And it hurt me a lot. I was physically, mentally, and spiritually hurt.
In 9th grade, I went back to public school. I made a couple of friends. One invited me to go to her youth group. Her name was Hannah Blodget. I went with her and I liked the church (Chapel Hills Baptist Church). It had a nice band and the kids there were really friendly. I started going regularly, but then Hannah stopped going because her other church had just started a youth group, but I kept going to Rush Hour (the youth group). Soon I started going to the Sunday morning service and then I even joined the tech team.
As much as life was good at that time, I was still hurting. I still just wanted to give up. A lot of times I just felt like a flake Christian. One of those who goes to an exciting event, rededicates their life to Christ, and then within a week or two, is bad to their regular schedule and had forgotten all that they had learned and done.
I went to a thing called Dare2Share ( www.dare2share.org ). It was incredible. It really opened my eyes and showed me the light. They gave us a challenge called the 48 hour challenge. This challenge was for you to witness to one of your friends within 48 hours. I went home and that Monday I went to school and I was on fire for God. It was so incredibleof a feeling. That's when I started evangelising and learning how to. I really felt led towards Mormons and talked to a lot of Mormon friends. I read books and everything.
To skip ahead a little bit, now I'm working with a lady by the name of Christy Harvey who has a ministry towards Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses( Witnesses for Jesus, Inc.). Sorry if any of you are LDS or JW (if you’re JW, get off the internet!!!)... this is my story. She's mentoring me to work with her. It's really cool and I'm really enjoying it.
Anyways, in about April of last month, a friend and I started a group called The Movement. It's a Bible study for teens to teach them how to witness to their friends. We've been going for about 11 weeks now. Our numbers change, but it's about an average of 8 a week, depending on if everyone shows up. We've covered tons of topics and everyone seems to like it. We met on Thursday nights from 6:30-8.
In June 2005, a group of 15 of us from our church (13 teens, 2 adults) went down to Juarez, Mexico for a mission trip. It was really sweet (and hot). I got to meet a lot of cool people. It was my first mission trips o I really learned from the experience. If you're interested in seeing my journal from that trip, send me a message and I'll send it to you. The main thing that impacted me was the poverty. I know probably a lot of people would say this, but you haven’t seen poor until you see people living in shacks and they are happy.
In July 2005, my youth group went to a camp called Student Life Camp. Chris Tomlin led the worship and Louie Giglio (not sure how to spell it,sorry). It was really, really an amazing experience and a great bonding time with my friends. In October I went to Utah for a short 2 day mission trip. It was incredible witnessing to Mormons on the street of Utah during their General Conference which ends up having a lot of Mormons there. It was an incredible experience.
I have decided to change this due to that my life has changed. Before I had about 3 paragraphs saying how much my life sucked right now and how I was depressed and such like that. So here I am deciding to change it because life is constantly changing as does my testimony. Right now I am doing good. My life is right on track, although I am having stress with what to do this summer - get a job or go on mission trips and go to summer camps. It's a tough decision, but I'm sure the Lord will help see my through it.
I am continually growing in my faith and in my relationship with the Lord, although I do struggle from time to time. I've memorized a lot of verses and I find it easy to memorize new ones so whenever I'm down or sad, I always have a verse come to mind to encourage me and lift me up. If you guys haven't ever thought about memorizing, I definately encourage you to do it.
So much has happened since I last updated this... and I should probably go to bed soon since I have school tomorrow. But I feel like writing in a little update about my life now since I'm thinking about it. First off, I'm currently working at Little Caesars which is definately the best job in the world. I started around middle of May and have been working there ever since. It was my first job and I've learned so much about myself, life, and others. I've met people there that I would have never gotten to know otherwise and for that I am thankful.
On Friday, October 13, 2006 Little Caesars was robbed at 10:42 P.M. by 3 guys, all with guns. It was on that night that I reconsidered my life, what I was doing, and how I was doing it. Oh, and yes, I was there along with two other people. If you have never had a gun pointed to your head and thought that any second could be your last, please do not try to relate. I was scared that my tomb stone would have been February 1st, 1989 to October 13, 2006. Have you ever thought about it that today could be the day written on your tomb stone?
But anyways... right now my life consists of church, school, and work. That pretty much fills in all my time gaps and then when I'm not doing anything, I'm on this site. School isn't too challenging, but I'm really just wanting to be done with it and get on with my life. I don't know about college right now - if I'll go, where I'll go, what I'll study... all that stuff. I use to have a whole lot of plans layed out for my life... so many - who I wanted to be, who I wanted to marry, where I wanted to live. And now that it comes down to it, almost 18, almost out of high school, I have no idea... none at all. I live each moment as they come and never expect for the next moment to come or to be better. Any second the phone could ring and I could find out that my mom is dead. Any second Jesus could come back. Any second. What if this second is the last and I never get to finish typing this out? Just thinking....
I like philosophy and thinking, incase you haven't noticed. So next time you walk into a Little Caesars, know that there could be some philosophical employee there and so don't just judge them based upon their career choice.
And, my dear poets, until next time... next update.
Wow?!?!??!?!?! It's been two years since I've updated! Soooo much has happened in two years. So the question is - short version or long version? So many things are different now.... Pretty much two weeks after posting my last update, I got my first girlfriend (not including online relationships)! She was all I could think about for a long time. We did pretty much everything together and spent every second we could together. But that changed who I was into someone who I am not... and for the worse. We dated til two weeks ago.
December 23, 2006 - November 23, 2008 - 23 months?!?
Our break up wasn't as hard as I thought it would be because it was a mutual feeling. We had rushed into things and couldn't go back to fix them at that point. It wasn't all bad and I did learn a lot.
Two years ago I was working at Little Caesars, still in high school, driving a 87 Subaru, and no girls in my life. Now, I am 19 years old, working as a graphic designer at a shop in town, second year in college, and driving a 2000 Chevy Cavalier. I may post a picture to it sometime just because I really love my car (though I'm having to get the engine replaced this week because I didn't keep enough oil in it - doh!).
I have now switched from Chapels Hills Baptist Church to New Life church. I attend the Mill (a college group with about 2,000 people per week), a Saturday night Bible study, and Sunday morning church. I'm also planning on getting back into swing dancing (Sunday nights from 8-10) because I did it about 6 years ago and I was in a swing club my junior year. Plus, a lot of my new friends are going to it. Plus, it's a great way to meet the ladies
I guess I don't have much else to say... I'm still trying to get my life back together since the break up... Cleaning up my act, bought new clothes, cleaning my room, making new friends, focusing more on school and work.....
Oh, and a month ago I did build my first computer! I had originally paid like $3,500 for a computer from Alienware but it ended up being a horrible experience so I returned it. I spent $1,500 and got a way better computer for my money. It's working amazing and plays games and movies really well. Most people think its really difficult, but I had never done it and I didn't have any help and built it all just by reading the manuals that came with it (though I did put in my CPU wrong when I first got it).
Okay, that's about it for now! Hopefully it won't be another two years until I update again.
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