At times the Devil wears a neutral face.
He sneaks in, unnoticed,
through the maternity ward of some trivial suburban hospital,
to quietly hibernate in human form
like a benign tumor waiting to sprout--
the smallest seed of malice
cultivated by neglect and death
and all the sour stones on which it feeds.
And he is manifest in feckless men--
the weary cog whose teeth have been worn raw,
the drifting ship who cannot come to port,
the walking corpse who feeds on others’ life--
each is cursed to stare with empty eyes
upon their own obscure and cruel complexions;
I wonder, do they see their own reflections
when they peer into looking glass?
Or is it too pure, and they are too blood-hungry
To make the image focus in that mirrored grace?
How sore to never see your own wan face,
how sad, not knowing what you truly are.
I pity all the world's greatest oppressors.
I’d like to ask them,
Does Beelzebub make a good bedfellow?
Does he pay his rent on time, and give his dues?
Or does he rape you like a beast,
unable to make love,
making you as impotent as he has been
since he slithered 'round the tree in perished Eden?
Is it with pain--or passion--that you moan
When he digs his dirty claw within your flesh,
Weaving his fingers through your skin and soul?
Oh you, I am not green for your power,
all it has done is lay bombs in your wake,
many of which you have failed to escape--
they have weakened your power for feeling,
and I am a garden of sensation
even in a dead zone.
Author notes
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED, LEAVE A CRITIQUE! I want to add this to my poetry portfolio for entry into a selective poetry writing program, and I need your suggestions!!!!
Written November 29th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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allpoetry.com/poem/1665333
Is the new one. I trimmed a little.... I think I might take out the entire mirror stanza... I'm not sure. This is simply the next revision. I'm trying to make some of the images more consistent, especially the war image.
Look this over, please. -
Okay, I have returned and to answer your question about being selective with words, I meant that you seem to use too much imagery in this poem and that cutting down would help make for a more connected and solid piece.
Here is one such example:
"At times the Devil wears a neutral face.
He sneaks in, unnoticed,
through the maternity ward of some trivial suburban hospital,
to quietly hibernate in human form
like a benign tumor waiting to sprout--
the smallest seed of malice
cultivated by neglect and death
and all the sour stones on which it feeds."
All of what I placed above sounds like it was meant to be a stanza and if you were to break this poem down that's what your stanzas would most likely look like because of "and" being used so often. You create a connection to the next line that isn't needed. Sometimes a line break is the healthy alternative to being long-winded, because as of right now, that is how this poem feels in many places.
What I would do is take what you have and cut out the excess, leaving only what you think is of immediate importance to the poem. People often leave stanzas and lines in their pieces just because they think they are pretty, but if you are interested in submitting this to a writing program, it should be top-knotch and show that you have talent, which you do, it is evident in your use of imagery, you just seem to use too much of your talent in this poem.
So basically, go on a trimming spree and leave only what you feel is the best and holds true to the central meaning of the poem.
All else is not necessary and should be snipped away.
Hope I have been of help.
much love,
James
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Liz ,
Of course I will.
Let me grab some lunch and I'll
be back as soon as I can. Glad that my comment and
my opinion is so well-received. There aren't enough
people around here to accept decent and helpful
criticism.
Be back soon ,
James
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Take a bow!!
wow!!! amazing write! i felt its gritty rawness and felt the sickly pallor of it all....flowed smoothly...seething rage and bitter detest!!! thank you for a most impressive read. -
James--
I was thinking about stanza breaks. Part of me said yes, because think it would make everything sound so much more deliberate. I chose not to, though, because this was written as a running thought and I felt I should keep that (plus I was feeing lazy).
I see what you mean about words like 'he.' I also see lots of 'and'. I agree I should cut some of it out... it might help the rhythm of the poem and it would sound a little more finished. I hate those short words, because I think they water down the imagery, but then they seem like a necessary evil.
I was wondering, though, if you could expand upon your comment about being selective with my words--do you mean the words themselves, as in I should fix arrhythmia with a switch of words, or do you mean I attempt too many different images and I need to cut some of them out to create solidarity within the poem? Please let me know, and if you could give me examples, that would be wonderful.
I think I might revise and resubmit this one. Would you like mr to leave you the link for the new version, so you can let me know what you think?
Thanks for your intensive critique!!!
--Liz -
Thanks! I try...
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Wow, I didn't even see that when I wrote it, but I guess that this could be a poilitcal poem. It's a lot more personal, actually--written of my father, an ex, and a guy who tried to rape me shortly after I came to college (the three examples of 'feckless men' refer specifically to each of them). So this poem is my way of sealing off that damage and letting it go, ending this internal emotional war that was eating me inside (hence the title, "After the War"). Thanks for giving a new take on this.
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Thanks, I try. And please do read some of the rest of my stuff!
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First off, suggestions:
Okay....you need to space this poem into stanzas because it is worth taking the time to do that. You have a very coherent expression here. One that melds religious intensity with overall creative appeal to make for some really good poetry.
But the box you are decorating this with isn't up to par with the poem itself.
You also might want to cut down on your use of words like "he", so a good checking would show what words are most often repeated and this could also due with a bit of cutting down.
You have a lot of imagery here, but you might want to be more selective in what you choose to say. As it is now, it seems a bit stressed, but with a little tightening up this could be a lot better.
This is a good poem, it just needs a little work.
I hope I have been helpful.
much love,
James
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Wow, this is one really well thought out poem... very thought provoking. It's definately a sad piece of poetry, but is very poweful and leaves me with a lot to think about. You've made use of a great imagery here, keep up the great work.
HannaH. -
I really enjoyed the devil theme. I wish I could leave a better critique but I'm not as good of a poet as you obviously...lol. Great Job!
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This is a very difficult subject to ponder on – I have met many people that are products of such nursery’s. How do they live with themselves, well taking the increased violence and suicidal behavior perhaps they don’t – they just exist on the edge of frustration waiting their chance to be aggressively unpleasant – It has given me much to think about – for me it is more of an essay topic than a poem - But that is just me trying to come to terms with a troublesome topic – Albert.
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l.ol
a great piece - the bit where u say
I pity all the world's greatest oppressors.
I’d like to ask them,
Does Beelzebub make a good bedfellow?
Does he pay his rent on time, and give his dues?
Or does he rape you like a beast,
i was piossin my self laughing
ide loveit iof someone said this to george w or donnald r - lol
ide pay -em i rekkon -
the drifting ship who cannot come to port,...
Oh you, I am not green for your power,...
I love the imagery you have shown in these lines... You have a wonderful grasp of origionality, have you concidered short stories? I like the way you've used so many different complexions for this, by saying the line about Eden.
Great write, like to see more of your stuff...
~Tease~
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