Blinding her eyes with the morning sun,
Shielded from the beauty of the world.
Head in her hands with nowhere to run,
Crying through her hair, ferocious, curled.
Trundling through the park he spots her,
A radiant woman, a precious gem,
Worth more than frankincense, gold or myrrh.
With one glance, true love consumes them.
Her golden curls were his rays from summer,
When they first met upon the flowered lawn.
Engulfed in emotions, couldn't take his eyes from her,
Forgetting their feelings arising from dawn.
And so the lovers, forever begin,
Never doubting what they have is true.
But trusting the undying feelings within,
And reading their souls, in eyes of deep blue.
Author notes
i chose rhyme scheme 1 - abab
Written November 28th, 2005
A contest entry
- 3 trophies for bare mantels by J Rhys Davies.
300 points, ended December 1, 2005, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very good unusual rhymes here! Well done! Myrrh and her a good rhyme! Also "summer" and "from her" a clever idea. Adding you to faves. Keep in touch! Maybe reciprocate!
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wow this is gddd, its really gd imagery, and just awesome stuff, well done hun! keep it up!
lyns
xxxxx -
Damn if that does not just melt. And I mean a slow melt.
Excelently penned.
Wolves -
Much much better. The rhyme works very well now.
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Thankyou very much for your comment, and looking back i completely agree! I've changed it a little, i think it sounds better now. Thankeee!
Xx
xX
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For the most part, I think you did a really nice job with this. You followed the rhyme scheme well. These are the only things I had a “problem with”
Third stanza – The bit about the drummer. I’m sure you are referring to “marching to a different beat” kind of thing, but it just felt like it was too forced in my opinion.
Fourth stanza – “Never doubting what they have is untrue” – It’s basically saying that their love is untrue?? I think you should change it to just “true” instead to have it make sense. Or, change it to read, “Never doubting that what they have may be untrue.” But still, that’s a stretch.
Of course these are just my opinions, but I feel that if you really and truly wish to improve your skills as a poet, it would be in your best interest to maybe tweak this just a tad. I really thought you did a good job, so don’t take this as a negative thing. Learning should never be negative.
~ John
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Awwwww i <3 the imagery n stuff in this tis v. pwetty lol
lvya huni xxxxx
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