She was a pretty girl, she loved her family.
All she did was try to make it work.
She loved them both, but it wasn't her place,
and that tore her soul,
In the darkness reaches,
something more powerful than can be known.
Her sister cried from the blow of her mothers hand.
But all that pretty girl could do is stand,
She had a giving soul, she would give and give,
in the end she even gave her soul.
She never could forgive and forgive herself.
In the darkness reaches,
something more powerful than can be known.
Her sister cried from the blow of her mothers hand.
But all that pretty girl could do is stand,
That night was more than she could bare,
looking back something in her sister died,
That girl never wanted to share
what happened that night.
When that pretty girl awoke the next day,
She knew her sisters face, but
she could see her sister's soul was not there.
In the darkness reaches,
something more powerful than can be known,
Her sister cried from the blow of her mothers hand.
But all that pretty girl could do is stand,
Her sister left, to heal her own soul,
but she left that pretty girl
to pick the pieces up,
all the hurt and all the pain.
in the darkness reaches
something more powerful than can be known,
in the darkness reaches
something more powerful than can be known.
Author notes
My sister is not dead but I watched her soul murdered, and the bond between mother and child forever changed. My soul is dying from guilt, and well quite frankly my heart is hard, and I hate the person I am. It was one year ago on the 23rd.
CONTEST:
I read "Trust" by DesiredLove allpoetry.com/Poem/1642925
Written November 25th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- I don't want good, I want great. by Je Suis Prete.
350 points, ended December 16, 2005, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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I like the repetitive line. It makes the piece even more ominous. Nice write and good luck.
Sara -
wow it is very nice and seems like it would be something very hard to write. I find so many things that parents do to their children disgusting. I love children so much and plan on having lots of my own. I just could never see mysef hurting any child, especially one of my own. Its so sad to hear what happened to your sister, but by reading your poem I see she is lucky to have a sister like you. Someone to be there for her. Thanks for sharing this with me, its really amaing,
-Faithful Dreamer -
:'( You can really feel all the emotion that has been put into this poem!!!
Good luck in my contest - thank-you for entering!
Jess
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Thank you for sharing your emotions with us. I applaud you for being so open and shaing of your feelings. Are you takinthis2seriously?
I wish you best of luck in the contest! 
Jim
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thank you for the crit.
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I know nothing about your situation, and this may read like another well-wishing-know-nothing comment that you probably get all the time from everyone, but all well-wishing-know-nothing comments are there because people want to reach out to you in any way they can, even if it means wishing you well when they really know nothing.
As for crit - I like the piece you wrote, I see you list it as lyrics, so it's hard for me to give you crit because I can't hear the music you put to this in your head - the only thing that initially appears to me to be odd is the 3rd stanza only having 3 lines and the 5th having 7.
Could the 3rd have an extra one at the start, short like the start of the others near the beginning?
Could you split the 5th into 2 parts and give each one 4 lines? Adding a line in the middle somewhere?
Don't hate yourself if you can avoid it at all - none of it is your fault - you cannot feel responsible for something somebody else did - I know nothing, but I wish you well.
LB
XXX
Edited on Nov 29, 1:47 p.m. because ''. -
This is a great piece of writing - but you should not give up on your situation - you'll be amazed how things can change around given time - Albert.
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thank you!!! I really am encouraged when people take the time to read this, it's about the truth of domestic violence...people need to be aware that their friends could be affected by it...
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Amazing. It must have been very hard for you to write this but all your emotions come through very clearly and real.
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excelent
very emotional and revealing of your pain -
All I can say is... Wow.
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Very touching, and very well-written, flows well and the repetition is appropriate and lends a great deal of emotion and power to the words. Excellent piece.
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lovely
This is a beautiful and depressing poem. I really admire your writing. Very good, keep it up
Amanda -
This is very good! I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through, although I'm sure you get sick of hearing that. This would make a really great song, one I would love. I know what its like to watch someone's soul die right before your eyes knowing there is nothing you can do to help them, its the hardest thing I have ever been through. Great job, this is really really good.Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece with us all.
missing
P.S. Your name is really cool too (sorry just really liked it) -
TAking, this was an interesting as well as entertaining write. There is a lot of pain in this one. Sorry to hear of your loss, it difficult when something comes between those that are close. nice write though image and Visions
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I can feel the emotion and I know your hurt and pain. I know I feel like that girl sometimes. "Her sister left, to heal her own soul,
but she left that pretty girl
to pick the pieces up,
the hurt and the pain." That is an excellent line! Good job !
Safely hidden in the darkness,
~ Marisa aka The Rocker who lost all -
Touching
Such a moving and amazing piece. I can't really understand it for now, I'd probably have to read it a few more times. Yeah the repetition makes it suitable as lyrics to a really emotional song - I'd listen to it. Great work! -
wow... like... wow. this is so amazing. i love the repetition, this must have been so hard to write about, you did an awesome job. keep writing
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Wow this is an amazing poem but it's also very emotional and heart breaking. I am very moved by this and I hope you will get through this life changing situation. Good-luck with everything.
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Great lyrics, I could see NickelBack
doing this....Slainte, Keara -
good poem
great poem expresses alot fo raw feelings. well written and so sorry you are having a hard time to forgive yourself, all we can do as a person is to see to it there we each care for ourselves, and treat others as we want treated....... good luck and try to change the way you feel about this... -
Very good! I like it a lot, though it's very sad. I liked the repetitive rhythym. The one thing I would give advice on is in the first stanza when you give a whole line just for the word "work". It kinda breaks the flow. It could probably go in the line before it without any problems. I also liked the ending. Just...very cool. The metaphores worked well. Nice work Em.
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This is a very sad thing to witness. You have shown bravey in writing about this painful family experience. There are so many domestic violence cases in this world. Women and children are treated horribly. Often women were beaten, so they beat their children. It is sad and heart breaking. Then there is the triumphant courage of sharing the pain and healing from it and finding resolutions in life to move forward. Forgiving ourselves somehow is necessary too. I believe creative writing can open the door for that. This poem is really well done and you have shared your emotion well. It might help, whenever you are ready too, to edit your capitalization or have a friend do it for you, if it is too hard to read the poem again. I understand. Bravo!
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very sad, relays emotions very well. excelent poetry
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great
I like it a lot. Very good use of words!! I easily put a melody in that while i was reading it. GREAT job, I love it. -
Really great this is...
I always have a problem whith lyrics, because I don't know how they will sound if they're songs... -
I write 99% lyrics, and I
reading others' lyrics. Now, you don't write with nearly the same style that I do, but I like it anyway. That's one of the awesome things about poetry and lyrics....there isn't a 'right' way to do it! Nice work! I like the depth and flow this piece had. Great job!
~Robert
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wow. i just. wow. nice work.
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I'm moved by this piece. Its very sad and i hope you get through.
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This is a really emotion filled piece. It would make a very nice song. Touching and relatable.
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Way awesome
That is very kool, and also full of awesomeness lol -
Beautiful song..... who is it by..?
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Beautiful
It reads like a song because of the repeated lines and it's very well executed. It's so melancholy that it hits a chord in the reader. Lovely -
thank you. you have commented on other of my pieces...
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Very sad piece. I'm sorry that you have seen and felt such horrible things. I hope that someday you are able to heal. Peace.
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good
this is very good but the repetitive chorus and the short verses threw me off. i did love it though, very deep an sorrowful...
Kas -
That is gut wrenching....And you have spilled your guts...and for that I salute you....
its the fucking hardest thing to do....I will say a prayer for you
Much love... -
that is incredibly sad like broken said...its deep too
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Wow, this is incredibly sad. Deep and depressing, that's for sure. Reminds me a bit of Concrete Angel by Martina McBride. Makes me sad inside...Great piece overall. Amazing emotion.
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But a that pretty girl could do is stand...sweetie i think you might want to write all instead of a probly an honest mistake jus letting you know beautiful poety love the flow and form really really really great job keep it up...
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my friend, if i may be so bold, this is a hard pill to swallow, and to say that doesnt even do it justice...i am sending prayers out your way, in your dark time...... bekah
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