There is a deep darkness that shrouds the light
Casting shadows across unopened eyes
Shackling the frail spirit in chains locked tight
Seeping through the cracks exposed by the night
Enveloping the heart in colored lies
Deepening the darkness that shrouds the light
Slipping along floors, climbing lattice white
Laced duvets feathering Sorrow’s sad sighs
Shackling the frail spirit in chains locked tight
Filtering into remembering the sight
Of running nightmare’s and lonely goodbyes
That curtain the darkness that shroud the light
Escaping the empty embrace in flight
From the hollow that smoothers hidden cries
Shackling the frail spirit in chains locked tight
Touch not the answers that scream and fight
Rend tears from despairing hope once gone dry
There is a deep darkness that shrouds the light
Shackling the frail spirit in chains locked tight
Author notes
Villanelle
Written November 24th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I like the form and metre in this piece, and I really thought it was excuted quite wonderfully. So how have you been? I don't come here all too often. It's nice to be acquainted with your talent again. Talk to you soon. Rena~
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If possible can you check the second draft to see if I am closer to form and meter. Are there particular lines that are really troublesome?
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Thank you very much for your critical comments. I was attempting to keep to 5 feet per line. I played alittle with the form and used a half ryhme in one instance. I will attempt to rework this piece and improve its flow and feel. Thasnk you for taking the time to HELP.
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I love reading a good villanelle.
While technically a villanelle has no requirement for a particular meter, it like any other rhyming poetry, can be hurt or helped by the specific meter the poet chooses.
I would work on the meter of this poem. There are some lines with minor problems and some lines which really stand out jarringly.
What metrical pattern have you chosen to use? I can't tell.
This makes it hard to read the poem smoothly and fluidly.
You have 1 technical deviation from the villanelle form.
The lines you have chosen for refrain are lines 1 and 2. However the villanelle uses line 1 and 3 for the refrain, not line 1 and 2.
This changes the feel of the villanelle significantly and weakens the emotional impact.
a formal villanelle uses this rhyming scheme
aba aba aba aba aba abaa
Because you use different refrain lines yours uses this scheme
aba aba abb aba abb abab
this is less regular and does not exploit the villanelles natural emphatic obsessive desperate energy to full effect.
If you want an example of a villenelle which uses the standard rhyming scheme: look at : "Her Umber Eyes" allpoetry.com/poem/1638565
Cheers!
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Wow that was just magnificent. I love the uniqueness you put in this piece. Keep writing, i love your work
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