Somewhere there's a stolen spirit.
I used to see her wrapped up tight
everything would sparkle where ever she would trod.
but seeing her eyes, you would never know.
someone ran away in the distance,
a thought that she still entertains in her head.
I can only sit and ponder
what she comprehends when she prays.
she says:
"show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me.
show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me like a mother's child."
She needs God to understand,
the pain she feels is alive.
She wants someone to hold on to;
someone to brighten up her day.
She's looking in all the wrong places.
She wants God's amending
touch to wash her pain away.
she says:
"show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me.
show me the way and please
show me Father. heal me now,
and know--know me like a mother's child."
I can only watch while the
thieves take her soul.
Author notes
This was inspired by big and Rich's song "Holy Water". This poem is about me.
Written November 22nd, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Your Faith by Dreamer09.
450 points, ended December 6, 2005, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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I'm not sure of the song you refer to, but this poem feels to me like daddy walked away from his little girl and she needs the Father to take his place, "Know me like a mother's child." I didn't get the thieves line at the end though...it has the feeling of looking at her faith as a waste of time....not at all what the rest of the text suggests. So, I guess I find it a little confusing, but I like the rhythm and flow. It's a little edgy..and I like that in this poem.
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very nice keep up the good work
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Amazing...although, it was hard for me to understand...but I'm only 15. What would I know?
Pamela Christine Hall -
cool
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I love it
Very nice, I like to read poems on faith even though I'm not sure where I stand on the topic. Very well done, it's beautiful.
luvya
Bel -
very discribitive..touching..wow..i love it..wondefully put..although i'm not religious..that piece..it just reach out and touch me..good job
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fLots of stolen spirits!
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Extremely well
brilliantly thought out, line to line
i hope you accept, this applaud of mine
-EE Valentine -
great job
well done. I loved it. the words were amazing. "She needs God to understand,
the pain she feels is alive.
She wants someone to hold on to;
someone to brighten up her day.
She's looking in all the wrong places." thats something I can totally relate to. wonderful!
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thats pretty much a song .. Holy Water by Big and Rich .. you kinda just hacked it. but it is in fact a very good poem.
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Stunning.
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This poem has such a lovely flow it could even be a song! Very sweet and heartfelt - i have always believed spirituality is important, and its nice to see more poetry about religions different from mine.
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Wow this is so good! I love the part..She wants God's amending
touch to wash her pain away. I says so much. don't we all want our pain to go away?? I hope you win the contest. This poem is really good. good job and good luck!!
Kris -
also, perhaps the souls cannot be as much lost, but they can be stolen, but the weird thing about souls it that they will come back when they are asked too..
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nice poem except I think that you might consider putting "how can I not love" and then end the question with a questiong mark if you desire!
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wow thanks SO much for the applause!!!!!!!!!!
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Wow, this was great. I liked this poem a lot. You also got a lot of applauses. Darn, I wish I could get that many! lol You truly did an outstanding job! I am glad I clicked on the link that lead me to this wonderful poem and piece of work. Such a creative style with a lot of talent. No wonder you got so many applauses. You did awesome. A+
-TYLER
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People love tender hands
from mom, dads, nans
we're programmed to be
brillant in perceiving free.
I laugh, you laugh
I coff, you gaff
how cannot I love
sweetness so pure thereof.
Spirit taken, spirit found
abandoned, orphaned waddling around
helpless wanting nurturing teats
from guys magical feats.
Souls are never lost
more so ignored tossed
mankind is often blind
not to tenderness kind. -
thank you I don't think that I'll change anything.
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Thanks for your comment, happy thanks giving.
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THANKs for the applause!
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Beautiful!
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thank you very much for your comment! Happy thanks giving!
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thank you for your comment, and encouragement, and overall analysis of my poem. Thank you and happy thanksgiving!
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wow what an insperation
Edited on Nov 24, 8:27 p.m. because ''. -
I'm glad that so many people, religious and non religious people enjoyed this peom, and I also like seeing the different interpretations!
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I don't quite understand your comment, but thanks for commenting anyway!!
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thank you I appriciate your support!
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I have been told that it is too vauge, what do you think?
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thanks for your comment!
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wow your comment on my peom really encouraged me, I didn't know that this poem was that special when I wrote it!
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thank you and happy turkey day to you too!
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I appriciate the encouraging words!!! I really do.
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I really think that our souls and spirits can be stolen. Souls can be stolen when the person is, abused (mentally, physically, and/or emotionally), raped, bullied, suffers a loss as in a death, a devorce, worried about a loved one, someone breaks there heart, or someone ruins their reputaiton with faulse accueal...but on the other things people cannot pull themselves out of some of these situation, that's when the soul is abused by the person they lose themselves in the world and sin.
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thank you for your comment!
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I am not a religious person, but do consider myself a spiritual person. Therefore I can appreciate pain and the search associated with it. The last lines wrapped the entire poem up so powerfully. Good luck with the contest!
Edited on Nov 24, 5:42 p.m. because ''. -
Wicked it seems, as shear awaits the meaning of emptiness in the creation above... that's like my interpretation, so I hope you keep writing poetry, but shorter. So like you know--.
Stay Feakle.... -
this is a very moving piece very good.
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I like this poem really good i felt the pains of whatever you were going through at that moment very nicely done
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Hm. I'm not a religious believe. But thanks for sharing.
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WOW! that was great. I never knew people actually wrote poem's like this. I will have to check out your poetry more often. Keep up the good work.
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This I Was Such A Great Song! I Wish You The Best Of Luck In The Contest! You Really Deserve To Win! oh! And Happy Turkey Day *lol* -Rachel
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i love this poem so----> much it's really good you are a great writer and this is a great write loved it keep it up!!!!
LoVe Ya
~*BeCcA*~
keep up the great and awesumly awesum work!!!!!!!! -
"I can only watch while the
thieves take her soul."
Brilliant. -
I don't know that others steal our souls or it's only us that don't care for them(our souls)?Wish you luck. Shahrzad
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i agree with crystaldust, it's deep, succinct and keeps the sting until the very end. you deserve to win this contest by far, please, don't ever stop writing.
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crystaldust 24-11-05 20:46
Those last lines say it all, as far as I'm concerned. Deep, succinct, keeping the sting until the very end. Good luck with this in the contest. Your poem is excellent. -
This is a very moving piece poem that really touches the heart of this reader.The imagery and the wording unveils the truth of the subject matter to this reader.KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
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nothing took my faith until my dear elisabeth became half crazy because of a tumour that god gave her and i came home one day from bingo to find her naked outside and rubbing her faeces all over mr benjamin's (our next door neighbour who was a coloured fellow) new car, fortunately he is a lovely fellow (i like him dearly) and he didnt accept the money i offered him to get the car cleaned up. the tumour made her act very funny and she has been dead 3 years now and i miss her every single day and i started questioning my faith then even though it would upset her to hear it. i wrote a poem about her called 'elisabeth' and i would be very honoured if a simply gifted poem writer such as yourself would have a look at it for me to see if it works.
i also lost my faith when i developed a prostate the size of a whoopy cushion when that is the last thing as i need as i am stuck in this wheelchair all day
your poem about stolen spirits reminded me of her as she was stolen from me and it bought a tear to my old eye, even so, i like this poem
Edited on Nov 24, 1:36 p.m. because ''. -
dreamer keep on dreaming there no good
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stolen spirit was it yours by any chance because i think it took your poem spirit.
its no good -
I like the use of words here, I think you've captured a certain mood quite well. I'm not entirely sure what the poem is saying though. I would just point out a typo - you have used "trod" where you may have meant "tread" in the third line. sorry I can't be more helpful.
LB -
I liked the theme, as I've percieved it, that faith is not the end all, fix all answer to your problems. Interesting.
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thats was so Beautiful i dont rlay like god but this was jast plane Beautiful i meen its how i fell about one of my frends sort of jast wow you need to get this publisht its amazing and jast ok out of wards but pleas wright others like this one
sam out -
there is a great catch to your lyrics! Nice one indeed, you have certainly tune and orchestratedthis piece with care and thoughts to give us such a wonderful read. thank you for sharing your very personal touch in your lyrical style.
blessings
ICUlookn -
A searching wandering soul looking to find herself, asking for guidance, but really not knowing what will happen. Interesting how you have penned this , a good read. Well done.
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a very personal write. I think it would be great if there was a way to have both the printed and spoken/performed art here on the site. Unfortunatly, I know the bandwidth requirements would be astronomical. Nicely done and thanks for sharing!
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awesome write
this was awesome. i love it... it was a heartfelt write. thank you for sharing your words with me. -
Stirring and gentle... I love the refrain on this, the open speech.... it ties the whole poem together neatly and gives it a sense of continuity... and ongoing prayer. This also has a certain solemn and quieting quality through the pain.
I like it, a lot.
~Faded -
read this now that I edited it:
Somewhere there's a stolen spirit.
I used to see her wrapped up tight,
nothing could harm her, but now it's not like that.
everything would sparkle where ever she was presant.
but seeing her eyes, you would never know.
someone ran away in the distance,
a thought that she still entertains in her head.
I can only sit and ponder
what she comprehends when she prays.
she says:
"show me the way and please
teach me, Father. ,
and know--know me."
She needs God to understand,
the pain she feels is alive.
She wants someone to hold on to;
someone to brighten up her day.
She's looking in all the wrong places,
for where she is He is not
She wants God's amending
touch to wash her pain away.
she says:
"show me the way and please
teach me, Father,
and know--know me."
I can only watch while the
thieves take her soul.
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Promising needs revision
There is a person who seems soulless (lost). I hear her pray to God. She wants God to understand but she is looking in the wrong places. She prays but I see that thieves are taking her soul.
The final two lines are the strength. The repeated choruses are the weakness. It may be that you have this in mind as a song or a hymn but the same device doesn’t work well for poetry.
Somewhere there's a stolen spirit.
This is a vague start. I think the poem suffers from this vagueness. Here it is “somewhere”. Later it is “in the wrong places”
I used to see her wrapped up tight
This again continues the weakness. Do you mean you knew her when she was young. This line doesn’t carry clear meaning.
everything would sparkle where ever she would trod.
This is ungrammatical. she would trod is wrong, take out “would” at the very least. A line that contains both everything and wherever sounds stilted
but seeing her eyes, you would never know.
Here effect around her seems to be good but this seems odd if there is something missing behind the eyes. Is this the effect you are aiming at?
someone ran away in the distance,
Someone is too vague again. I feel you ought to be more explicit. It will give the reader more to connect to. Someone isn’t sufficient imagery.
a thought that she still entertains in her head.
This is again too vague. You are telling instead of showing.
I can only sit and ponder
This is padded and could be reduced and combined with the next line (What does she comprehend when she prays?)
what she comprehends when she prays.
this is overblown and the diction can be improved.
she says:
"show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me.
show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me like a mother's child."
She needs God to understand,
the pain she feels is alive.
What does this mean?
She wants someone to hold on to;
someone to brighten up her day.
She's looking in all the wrong places.
She wants God's amending
touch to wash her pain away.
she says:
"show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me.
show me the way and please
show me Father. heal me now,
and know--know me like a mother's child."
I can only watch while the
thieves take her soul.
The poem after the first strophe then descends a little further into the narrator’s analysis of what the subject of the poem is saying. It comes across as too pious, even though what the poet is trying to indicate a disparity between words and actions.
I think this approach is a mistake. The prayer does not need to be repeated with slight variation four times, one good rendition ought to be sufficient.
A description of the disparity between word and deed would lift this poem from being vague and meandering. This would give the opportunity for word play.
The “I can only watch while the thieves take their toll” might then have more meaning.
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Beautiful. It gave me goosebumps!! It has so much meaning, I especially love this part Somewhere there's a stolen spirit.
I used to see her wrapped up tight
everything would sparkle where ever she would trod.
but seeing her eyes, you would never know.
someone ran away in the distance,
a thought that she still entertains in her head.
I love how it seems as if you're going to talk about this happy sparkling girl, but then you show us there is more to her. The end is what gave me chills,
I can only watch while the
thieves take her soul.
The way you wrote this, I percieved it as her praying to God was in vain, because her soul was being stolen anyways. I think that makes it very deep, it shows how people can have great faith in something that sometimes doesn't even help. That is just the way I percieved it.
Great write, beautiful.
~AR -
Beautiful lyrics.
Truly beautiful lyrics and you should send to a music company to record it as a song. -
She needs God to understand,
the pain she feels is alive.
She wants someone to hold on to;
someone to brighten up her day.
She's looking in all the wrong places.
She wants God's amending
touch to wash her pain away.
I am surprised this isn't entered in a contest somewhere- this should be in one of those contest where people win prizes and points. This should definitely be in a contest. -
**claps** I'm not much for spiritual pieces either but this one made me smile this is awesome..and alot of people....struggle each day..but keep scratching away on paper
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This is a really really great piece extremely sensational... I really don't like spiritual pieces all that much but I liked this on for some reason... I like it a lot...
Keep the ink flowing and the ideas on paper...
~:Shay:~ -
I really love this poem...i am having a struggle with religion so its refreshing to see someone else experiencing the same...you should check out some of my songs i bet you could relate to a lot of them really well...overall i give you a fuckin A+ and hope your spirit carrys you far
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Truly, a lyrical piece beautifully orchestrat
A beautiful lilting lyrical wonder as this is not a poem and lyrics I really don't think I could constructively taunt this piece one way or the other as lyrics are by definition similar yet different than poetry... and I found the music in the words became the rhythm to the soul Excellent well done!! Brava!!! Wishing you and yours much success in all of your endeavors
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Soul searching
This touched me deeply. Been there, done that. And God has brought me out the other side. -
Very beautifully done. It has a great inspirational sense to the piece and it really is a slice of soul food. You've done a fantastic job on this.
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Well I'm not a religious person but this poem is very well done. It's well written and has a saddness about it. Excellent job.
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Tasty.
i remember this saying,
Show us the way father but if you can't show us forgive us for being lost.
it is a very nice one, you don't need my approval but as another one who loves reading poetry i congradulate you for the best piece you got.ofcourse i applaud your work. -
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo this is a masterpiece! I love this part:
show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me.
show me the way and please
show me Father. teach me now,
and know--know me like a mother's child."
She needs God to understand,
the pain she feels is alive.
She wants someone to hold on to.
someone to brighten up her day.
She's looking in all the wrong places.
She wants God's amending
touch to wash her pain away.
keep writing!xxox
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very moving...very touching....
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Touching. I felt the pain as if i was there. Good write dearest. Keep it up.:0
Lots of Philia,
D.Thoures
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wow very beautiful emotional write with nice tone and good flow.
I like the imagery you used, it is beautiful.
Keep penning wonderful read. -
I found the first part of this poem to be very forced. While the emotion in this piece is raw, it almost is too raw, which I felt stole away from your ability to write a more abstract poem. You have two sentence fragments in lines six and eighteen and these fragments dimish the strength of your poem.
The last two lines of your poem contain the most strength in this poem. The imagery is arresting; you should take the power of those two lines and write a second poem!
Overall, do not misunderstand this critique: your poem has the potential to be better if you take the time to edit it and make some adjustments.
Good luck!
~Zola~
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KEEP IT UP!
inreresting I found it great, it has all the indregients of love! -
Could be made better
This piece has good rhythm and is very touching and emotional.
I agree with Jakal however it does need some work, I can't put my finger on what it lacks, but read over it yourself, if it's your best then leave it, I'm no great knowledge just trying to help, I appreciate honest criticism and feel it helps me -
Amazing Grace!
I didn't exhale until the word; "soul". My, my...
This is abased and abounded. " a stolen spirit". Ahhh There are so many. Thieves are theives, they come seeking to take, God gives!
These are divinely inspired lyrics. I feel raised up after reading this. Thank You!
The measure here seems so slighted, tilted to one side, out of kilter, you know, like--this isn't fair, it's not right....
Edited on Nov 24 because ''. -
lovely
very deep and touching. -
touching
awesome lyrics my friend love some who writes songs everything i write is lyrics for our band its great,now about your song haha, was a very touching write for me when i read this was very deep and well penned great stuff my friend, great lyrics and does it annoy you when people say to you nice poem.. well i dont like it haha keep writing was great tyo read
+Wellsy+
+C.I.F+ -
Excellent
This touches one in the deeepest recesses of ones soul. You have penned a powerful heartfelt piece. Excellent write!
Nicole -
i love big and rich.
interesting. different. i like it. really like, i think, the chorus. overall, good job with writing this. was worth the read.
Blu -
Promising
I saw your poem
The message above your piece says,
Thanks for clicking! You get an extra 4 points if you critique this piece, plus the author would appreciate it!
However I have found that this automatic message does not always represent the view of the poet. I have in the past spent time giving lengthy comments on poems to find that anything less than complete adulation is unwelcome.
Therefore before I critique the piece can I ask, do you welcome honest constructive critique. If you reply then I will take some time over this.
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Sad story, I LIKED IT!
I find this to be a sobering thought. There are partners for everyone,part of the test is finding your mate. Everyday the odds go up that you won't find the neadle in the haystack, but faith tells me God does send them,we just have open our eyes and see! Good write and I wish you love and luck, The Shaker -
Interesting!!
I loved this poem. Interesting and somewhere I got lost. Had to reread it. Needs a little something but you keep writing.
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This is an amazing piece of work and writting here because it touches right to the heart of the reader and fills them with overwhelming emotion. well at least how I felt as I read it
beautiful work and a pleasure to read!
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interesting.i felt it so much,i loved the poem.keep up
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yes yes and yes.I liked this one very much!~
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beautiful
this is a very great poem...
it has an awful alot of emotion
i know all your poems are great
i'm going to put you on my favs list
i haven't come across a single one of your poems i didn't like
very good
live your own life, don't let others live it for you, they have there own life to screw up.
keni -
I like this poem a lot. I can tell that you really put your whole heart into it and let your emotions guide you.
This is my favorite part:
"I can only sit and ponder
what she comprehends when she prays."
Good job! -
great
i love it! -
I had to reread it to understand its meaning.
Very well put together.
I liked the sentence fluency.
Nice job! -
God Bless
Wonderful poem!!!! Very well written. The flow and thoughts behind this poem where perfect. I wish to give you some cheer dear poet. If only I could.
allpoetry.com/poem/1651751 -
Beautiful. This sings to me. I too have a thought i still entertain in my head. I love when you say, "but seeing her eyes now you would never know". Isn't that the part that hurts longest? To know everytime someone looks at you how normal and happy you seem? They do not see brokeness. It is harsh. God be with you, my sister in bondage.
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I enjoyed it in parts - but I was more than a little confused - when it started out I thought somebody had run off with your child - but I understood a little better later on. With a bit of a polish it could become a good poem - Albert.
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Beautiful
Very...very...very...touching. I really loved this and the passion you show is brilliant. -
Awesome
what a awesome job. this girl is so lucky that you love her so deeply. spirit is awesome. let him lead you. then you will never fail!! Blessed Be
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