and so it goes
white wispy perfection
to the gentlest of breezes
fantasy surrenders in the end
it flutters away maybe
or else i fall down a hole
and one of us tumbles
over and over
lightly i watch it
let it fade into silence
until i am all emptiness
weightless and painless
where did i travel
when i hoped that dream
what was sparkling brilliant
before the light left my eyes
i forget and forget
fly unfettered through the vacuum
am at one with the absence
falling
falling
no love within me
but i lost it anyway
though i pleaded for mercy
forgot how to try
forgot how to want
with no remorse and no love
grew smaller and smaller
smaller until
the dream didn't fit
until i felt it not
until it just peeled away
weightless and painless
and in the end
it tumbles lightly away
and so it goes it goes
and so the dream goes
Author notes
Wrote this after my dream-come-true went up in smoke.
In a list
A contest entry
- F is for FRAGILE...BALANCING on the way to Z....OPTIONS by Blue Rew.
819 points, ended July 9, 2007, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 66 of 66
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I've always thought we should have some dreams that never come true, to keep us reaching...and others that surely will, to make the reaching less painful. Love is the only thing we can take with us when we go and the only thing we can leave behind...our greatest legacy.
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A very unique form, I enjoyed the short sentences. I think you managed well with shortness in this. Thank you for entering.
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Oh I loved this piece. I know how it feels exactly. THis is something I have been wanting to express. I liked some of the repitition. It added to the poem.. such as
"am at one with the absence
falling
falling"
"grew smaller and smaller
smaller until"
It added to the feeling. the repeitition of falling makes me feel like I'm falling and the word is an echo as I spiral down word. The smaller one makes me visualize the dream shrinking. A very good piece. Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest.
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I didn't care for the repetition of certain words through out, doing it a few times I feel is okay, but, you did it more than that, and I felt it cut on the fluidity. Other than that: a nice poem that you have written here.
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I am always marching to a different drummer than the rest of the class.. sigh.. I pictured a scrap of paper with something so important written on it.. you know how it gets away from you when you open the door of the car? Anyhow.. losing it, that something you hold dear.
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I remember being able to write like this...once upon a time...maybe I will again--this piece was inspirational, if a bit sad.
Congrats on the gold, it was surely deserved.
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Excellent
Congratulations on the gold trophy. Truly a deserving piece of this, and much much more. A pleasure to read such fine work.
~Pamela
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as i read.... my tears flowed so freely... this was emotional for me, and the approach you took with it was lovely. Thank you for sharing, and congrats on the gold.
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This does remind of Alice's deep, dark hole but gives it a darker side. Lost, numb, and unable to get back to the surface. All these feelings are rendered here in a form that gives it that sense of falling...beyond retrieving...gone forever. This was most enjoyed, Blue
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Wow. This is good stuff you have going on in here. It makes me think of you as the white rabbit in wonderland, or maybe Alice herself. And I picked up a lot of feeling of loss and loniliness in this. Like you had this perfect vision but it came to this place like it didn't look like anything you thought it was anymore and you lost your grip. I don't know. It's really sad actually and I hope that you felt a little better after having written it.
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SO true
feelings cannot lie
and if they are dead
they leave not a trace of lies
but truths
undisguised
this would be my fave part sooo true i love it your very good! -
Intensely accurate.
feelings cannot lie
and if they are dead
they leave not a trace of lies
but truths
undisguised
Myra
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Its as if I were in the mind of Alice as she fell down the rabbit hole. The third unfortunate smaller seems kind of out of place and as if it could be taken away and no one would miss him. You say until a loooooot in this. What about… awaiting? Pending? In anticipation of? Maybeeeee:
grew smaller and smaller,
until, the dream didn't fit
--I felt it not--
it just peeled away,
weightless, painless.
And in the end,
it wafts away,
tumbles formless on the breeze. [something other than “on the breeze”]
And so it goes, it goes;
and so goes.
ja, I don’t know. I like it no matter what.
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This write is vexing.
People are always pointing out good ideas on how I could change this for the better. Mechanically, some of it sticks out. I don't know why I can't change that stuff. I'm an enthusiastic editor, but this write has changed hardly at all since I posted it. I did just remove all the caps and punctuation. Lends itself to "small and barely there" much more effectively. Also, I did change the "on the breeze" line.
Thanks so much for your useful, intelligent input. I know it's out there, but it seldom makes it to my doorstep.
~Morgan -
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this one actually gives me the urge to scribble all over it like a child. ^_^;; only because it would be fun to tinker with.
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always so inspiring.
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Brainfart.
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You post new poetry so seldom I have to revist your older works for my Morgan fix. The last two lines of the first stanza make me physically react. I can't explain it. Heart-rending, I suppose. Much like the use of the word "waft"- its etherealness is intoxicating
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Awwww ...
Morgan fix. Bless your heart. Thanks for the thumbs-up and clapping Pac-men. New writes are forthcoming. The one I put in your contest has evolved abit, btw.
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"What was sparkling and brilliant before the light left my eyes?"
My friend, from the looks of it you seem to have lost a dream.
I percieve a body left empty by loss of sentience.
Your emotion in this poem is quite clear, the passion direct.
What I liked most about your wording is that you didn't attempt to cheapen your essence through elocution,
"forgot how to try/
Forgot how to want"
Repetition was very punctual as well. The meter, and sylabbic form did not interefere with the flow.
I hate that word. So generic and meaningless. But I do mean to tell you there is good movement to your piece. There is a passing, transient beauty you've capture that is not easily seen.
You certainly have a gift.
Cheers!
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... a body left empty by loss of sentience.
Yeah, that's pretty much it exactly. Sort of like that first moment after every cell in the body at once has become too tired to scream anymore. Essence lost in an exhale.
I read your comment, read the poem again, and it just leveled me. That must mean you read pretty much exactly what I wrote. Glad you liked it. It's not often I feel like I've really shared this one. Thanks for your kind words, and for reading; more than that for seeming to really get it.
Best,
Morgan
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This has some beautiful moments, particularly the beginning, and end. I agree, this line needs help "I heard my pleas for mercy", I think it would make more sense with "I heard my own pleas for mercy" but not sure where you're really going, the two preceding lines confuse me a little, a little too abstract. maybe a time reference would help "no love within me now" or "within me then" because the tense is shifts from present to past in those lines. I like the repeated use of forgetfulness, the tight structure or "container" for this write. maybe "cries for mercy" is stronger? You didn't ask, but I'm a little hung up on these lines:
It flutters away, maybe,
or else I fall down a hole,
and one of us tumbles
over and over.
because of the introduction of "us", after leading with it, then I. I fall down, but "us" tumbles?
Finally, a "gentle breeze" is a bit cliche' I like "softest" better, better yet something more unusual or provocative like sensual, secretive, whispered, hmmn.... I do love that you're toying with something written over a year ago. Let me know if I can be of more help.
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Thank you for your honesty
I will never be happy until all of my poems win Pulitzer Prizes. This one was written in connection with such a real experience, there has to be some way of making it work. "We/us" = me + the dream that I watched as it tumbled away into nothingness. The breezy thing. Hmmmm. Yeah, a bit cliche. Problem is that's exactly how it felt. Exactly. Maybe it can be said in a less hallmarky way, though. Hope so. I don't like this one yet, and I will be bothered by that fact until it is no longer so.
I appreciate your feedback. You are very helpful with your suggestions, and I am glad to have met you.
Thanks much.
~Morgan
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Wow
I like this...I have to admitt that i am not sure what is about but I do know that i like your words and the way they smack the page...great write..
KAY
I will be expecting 5 dogs on my door step...lol
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I liked this. It had a gentleness to to, which very much aided the flow. I liked your subtle use of repetition too, it workedvery well! Thanks for entering. Unfortunatly you failed to follow the "author's comments" rule therefore, this may be held against you during judging.
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Your poem reminded me of the weather today, gentle breeze rippling the river, sunshine warming and optimistic.
Soothing.
I dont know if that is the image you were trying to acheive in the reader's mind.
The beauty of poetry is that each reader finds their own meaning. A poem can inspire memories that are completely unrelated.... as in my case.
Not really a critique so forgive me. My brain has vacated.
Lisa.
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gr8 write
hey it was a great read read and nicely written and i think wat she meant was does it sound like the beat of springstein songs...anyway keep it up -
Beat? Springstein? You've got me confused. Hey! Are you saying The Boss had no beat? Now that's offensive!
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"Singularity" is a poem I wrote. It smacks of existentialism. Guess you're just enthusiastic in your philosophy. Go rent I & heart Huckabees right now. You will laugh and laugh, if you are read at all in that school of thought.
Best,
Morgan -
Don't laugh... ok? My favorite existentialist thinkers were Rod Serling.... Gene Roddenberry... Leslie Stevens and Joe Stefano. Speaking of an appropriate movie... check out The Outer Limits
"Don't Open Till Doomsday," a deliciously unctuous take on frustrated desire featuring a belligerent phallo-vaginal blob... coitus interruptus on a cosmic scale. Or perhaps the full feature 2 hour Outer Limits episode called "The Sand Kings."
I've been told I would fit in the the Nietzsche camp by others... but... I'd imagine that I would fit into a wide variety of camps.. which is what makes me so Cosmic.
The void is the only place where being meaningless means anything... or is applicable. The Singularity... is that when humans transcend biology... by Ray Kurzweil? Never read it but I personally believe that as consciousness (self awareness) evolves... so too will the vehicles which house or contain it. (they have done so in the past and will continue to do so in the future) Meat/flesh bodies will not remain efficient much longer. (they aren't now really) Isn't it grand we are not simply our bodies even though we associate ourselves with them completely?
I haven't seen "I Heart Huckabee's," yet... but thanks for the lead... I'll certainly check it out. PS... I write much more than I read. You might like my book... "To Save Lucifer." -
And so it goes--
white, wispy perfection.
To the gentlest of breezes,
fantasy surrenders in the end.
I would either consider changing the word "wispy" or "fantasy", as they both seem to represent each other, and ends up offering up this repetitive feeling in the first stanza, which doesn't add to the effect. The first line is quite strong, though I imagine you could use a comma just as easily as --. Aren't breezes typically gentle? Otherwise, strong wind, gentle breeze... see where I'm going? The word seems obvious.
It flutters away, maybe,
or else I fall down a hole,
and one of us tumbles
over and over.
I'm such a fan of repetition when it's done well, and this seems to be one of those instances. Again, had a problem with the word "flutter" because it didn't seem creative enough for my tastes, though I don't think it hurts the poem for the general readership.
Lightly I watch it,
let it fade into silence,
until I am all emptiness-
weightless and painless.
These lines seem to be saying the same thing but with different words. lol. I'd like to see a different, individual image brought into these four lines to break up what could be construed as monotony. Perhaps it's the -ess words with which I'm having issues.
Where did I travel
when I hoped that dream?
I enjoyed the grammatical set-up of these two lines.
What was sparkling and brilliant
before the light left my eyes?
I forget and forget;
fly unfettered through the vacuum;
am at one with the absence-
falling, falling.
Last four lines here are fantastic, though I'd reconsider "before the light left my eyes", which did little for me in the way of contrasting "sparkling". Another moment of obvious word choice.
There was no love within me;
now I lose it all, anyway.
Seems these lines might be a bit contradictory. If there is no love in you, wouldn't it stand to reason you've lost it all? lol
I heard my pleas for mercy,
but forgot how to try.
Forgot how to want.
With no remorse and no love,
grew smaller and smaller;
smaller until
the dream didn't fit;
until I felt it not;
I've never been a big fan of ending a line with "not", though I speak like that regularly "Have you not?" lol. I'm teased relentlessly about it. But, in poetry, feel it's a little antiquated.
until it just peeled away,
"just" seems an unnecessary filler word here.
weightless and painless.
And in the end,
it flutters away in the breeze.
repetition of the word "away" right after a repition of the words "weightless and painless" seemed a bit much, and "away" definitely didn't feel intentional, and therefore appeared a bit sloppy for the final lines.
And so it goes, it goes;
and so the dream goes.
I like these last two lines, though worry about the amount of repetition in the poem. At one end, it seems scattered, emotionally, and I can see how that relates to the subject matter, as does the often surreal ethereal view of life and living. The two are a nice contradiction to one another here, and you end it softly, but with remorse and regret. It lingers with the reader. I know I nit-picked it to hell, but I truly did enjoy this poem. There's something inviting but alienating about it that I really love.
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nicely done
This is a very nice write here. I like the flow and tone. nicely done. -
this was a very deep piece... i like that... it warrented reading through several times... thanks for sharing...peace...shzoosy
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Very well thought out.
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This poem really draws you in and i find it intriguing, it's nice i like it and it flows beautifully.
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Wish I knew the beat. Do you think it is like Springstein or what? Still nice write.
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This poem is very well written. The flow of this poem has a nice rhythm. Your words are well thought out and presented in this beautiful poem. Very nicely done
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this is well done i enjoyed the read with its nice imagery and the flow was good as well as the deep content
love and light
blaze -
Nietzsche?
So which is your favorite existentialist thinker? Søren Kierkegaard? Friedrich Nietzsche? Albert Camus? Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir? Paul Tillich? Franz Kafka? Jack Kerouac? I'd put you in Nietzsche's camp if I had to guess. He would have approved of the bored void of meaninglessness, I think.
Me? Yes, guilty. I don't think it's all meaningless, though. If you haven't seen "I Heart Huckabee's," go rent it right now. You'll bloody love it.
Without bothering to look, I'm going to take a wild guess, and say that you read "Singularity." -
DEEP DUALITY
Curds in the void squeezed from something less than the milk...
and all at once the vessel had a measure of its own emptiness...
for it was perception itself that came first, not the things perceived.
An eye opened... saw nothing... closed. The witness awaited his own deed... saw nothing... yet the eye was not blind. An ear listened... heard no one... ached. The void opened its huge throat and bellowed... it yawned its unfocused boredom... sighed its deep loneliness... its aching sadness... the frustration of untried senses.
The witness awaited its own deed... the sigh defined the soundless hollow... echoed... brought forth another sigh... another yawn....
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EXCELLENT!!!
VERY BEAUTIFUL POETRY, THIS POEM MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS IN A WORLD OF MY OWN! NICE JOB!! -
like this it is like a dream
love the papa -
this poem is full of raw emotion, it seems to be extremely meaningful. This is a piece that has to be read a few times before you get the full effect. well done
X Tragedy X
Good luck in the contest -
beautifully creative I thoroughly enjoyed it good luck in the contest
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Hm. Interesting thought. Like this, maybe?
To the gentlest of breezes,
fantasy surrenders in the end.
There was no love within me;
now I lose it all, anyway.
I heard my pleas for mercy,
but I forgot how to try.
And so it goes--
white, wispy perfection.
It flutters away, maybe,
or else I fall down a hole,
and one of us tumbles
over and over.
Lightly I watch it,
let it fade into silence,
until I am all emptiness-
weightless and painless.
Where did I travel
when I hoped that dream?
What was sparkling and brilliant
before the light left my eyes?
I forget and forget;
fly unfettered through the vacuum;
am at one with the absence-
falling, falling.
I forgot how to want.
With no remorse and no love,
grew smaller and smaller;
smaller until
the dream didn't fit;
until I felt it not;
until it just peeled away,
weightless and painless.
And in the end,
it flutters away in the breeze.
And so it goes, it goes;
and so the dream goes. -
Creatively expressed in showing a microcosmic kind of chemical
reaction that can flood a system in feelings of defeatism...from trying to achieve one's dreams. Well done! Cheers Kaz. -
"And so it goes-
white, wispy perfection." You can use two hyphens in place of an emdash, or was that meant to be a hyphen?
First four/five lines are little enigmatic and feminine in comparison to the rest of the poem. While, as already stated by Jaunty Pill, you have employed a direct treatment I found the disentanglement of both melancholy and wonderment a little clumsy. May be you can pull a part of last stanza above your opening lines to set the POV (point of view) straight, otherwise the two counterbalancing forces in this poem can lead you to etherland. Grossly, this is again on existential agonies, the indefiniteness. I even suspect that "dream" is a metaphor, and though on surface it may not allude, but as a whole the poem presents a tense {bifurcating (if that is the word)}atmosphere, which lends insight to N's life and times.
A very good job, overall!
D -
A brilliant,evocative work. 'Where did I travel when I hoped that dream ....' Lovely lines and so true of life.
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well done
This is just wonderful. You did a great job xpressing your thoughts. Keep penning poet , you have great telent. Good luck to you my friend.
Victoria -
Thank you! You are one of very few people who have found what I was trying to express in this poem. Most people think I'm talking about waking up in the morning. Very big of you to make such a fantastic comment after I was such a dick. I'm impressed.
Thanks again,
Morgan -
"What was sparkling and brilliant
before the light left my eyes?
I forget and forget;"
the sense of loss in this line touched a chord in me...not being able to feel or remember what once was so vital and alive for us feels tragic. these lines are perfect!!!
the rest of the poem was well written and carried the melancholic, wistful mood forward....the ending, beautiful.
truly brought tears to my eyes. Strong, true emotion without maudlin sentimentality...
so glad i clicked on this poem.
my applause...
~tryst
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On rereading this, it seems to open a new vista for me.
Everything we are is a compilation of the influences we've labored under through our lives. It's not at all surprising that there would be points in your poem that allude to your literary influences, whether poetic or musical. I certainly am not surprised. In any case, capturing a dream is like chasing a will 'o the wisp with a butterfly net. You've done a good job of describing the gestalt of the event. Dreams lift us up even as they slip through our fingers. Well done and done well.
Edited on Mar 06, 10:54 because ''. -
Dance little dreamer! Dream on, dream on, dance to be okay – dance, arabesque and Batterie! Surely, love cannot be lost!
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Thanks for your intelligent comment. I agree that line is screwy, and I've made an edit, albeit a different one than what you've suggested. Thanks for helping me improve my poem.
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As I read this, my first thought is 'watching your innocence being pulled/shed' - like that ever elusive shadow of your former self, and as the sun rises - it slowly disappears. I really enjoyed the feel; so very deep and thought devouring. I could FEEL this: I love a poem that gives you that tingle when you read it, Like you were meant to.
Only one line struck me funny;
(3rd stanza line 2) 'now I lose it all, anyway'
Maybe 'now I've lost it all, anyway' - it shows more of a past tense, going along with the rest. Just my opinion, it is your poem. I really admire the emotion, and in a sense lack-there-of; it seems to just spill across the page effortlessly. How on earth do you do that?
Blah, blah, blah - I take too long! ~~ ~~
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This is just wonderful. I can tell that you did some really tight editing...I only counted three " ing " words throughout and one was a repeat of the word " falling ". To me that shows a very keen eye for detail and emotion. You embrace your readers through key elements. You don't say it straight out and you don't bore us to death by going on and on with never ending metaphors with no semblance of an ending.
It's also good to see that you not only know how to pace yourself , But also demonstrate your craft. This semi reminds me of some of the recent Italian poets I've started to read...I think it's the form which brings that home even more. It might even be the use of diction. The way you turn lines and phrases around to almost sound like they should be spoken with a thick accent. There is a lot here to admire and I'm glad you found " the elitists "...You'll make a good addition to the group.
Thanks also for adding me to your favorites. I appreciate it.
Happy holidays and all that jazz ,
James
Edited on Dec 24, 2:24 p.m. because ''. -
Oops. I forgot this was in a contest. I'll just say that this isn't really my cup of tea. It works well enough on its own level though. All in all, not bad.
Edited on Dec 19, 1:37 p.m. because ''. -
I really liked the last line, and i liked the picutre i got with
"i grew smaller and smaller
smaller until
the dream didn't fit"
Thanx for entering in my contest.
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Wow. Thanks for saying such nice things about my piece. You're blowing my mind here, because I can even see what you're talking about with regard to all the references you spoke of. For me the imagery in this piece was all just a representation of pure feelings I had about losing the fight for one of my personal dreams. The words just sort of fell out of me, and I didn't think about them too much. The fact that so much of it comes off as allusion to other work is just plain weird.
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Excellent
I enjoyed the esoteric vibe at the beginning of in this particular write and the allusion to "Alice Through The Looking Glass"..."or else i fall down a hole..." at least it gave this reader that sense of fanasy. Or maybe it alludes to Grace Slick singing "White Rabbit" inferring drug induced dreams...who cares.... this reader found it magical and it captured my attention right away. The second half falls to earth, self examination destroying the dream....fantasy ending and again a clever allusion to Lewis Carroll's writing....or Grace again...."one pill makes you small..." An excellent write!
Edited on Nov 30, 11:02 because 'typo'. -
Why thank you! That is exactly the effect I was going for. Actually, it's just how I was feeling, so I don't know that I was really "going" for anything; the poem just kind of happened. I'm so glad you liked it.
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this as it is worked for me...
ana's comment sent me here and this floats down and down and it seems as if the form and the flow of this piece, I don't know... for me go along with the somehow descending dreamlike journey into a what feels so much still a dream....
one and where did it go/then it seemed to be so alive, yet elusive and It was like a moth to a flame, this piece, it flew into, though a darkish-light for me, so honest, softly voiced and felt, so felt, that shr9nking into emptiness/painlessness, well, there is a sadness, for me, within it all and it mirrors feeling I've had in differnt ways, but I love the way it just flutters into the
so it goes
apologies, may not make much sense, but this piece, I felt, sensed and was so taken with...
Thank you,
m.
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Thanks for being honest. Honesty is more useful than simple flattery. When you say the front end is "murky," what does that mean, exactly. What about it didn't work for you? Is it choppy?
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Hm.. to be honest the beginning was a little murky to me, but in the end I found the feelings and emotions to grasp so I can understand what you're trying to show us through your work - a powerful representation of crumbling dreams,quite powerful,it is given straightly to the reader,with words that describe it best. You really found the most suitable words in the last verse, it just drowns the reader that special 'mood' when you just let yourself flow with the current, you surrender, you don't care anymore,cause you were hurt and everything else seems to have lost its meaning. Well,I suppose that was inspired by a real event in your life,wasn't it? Or at least that is how I felt it.
10x for sharing this poem
Yours,
Apostle. -
wonder job putting this poem together i give you a 9
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Nice........Very Nice Indeed
Angel
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