This is a poem that is long overdue
For a buddy of mine named Pee Wee.
He was on top of the world until the day
He got caught playing with his wee wee.
He gave us all so much great entertainment.
He didn’t deserve all that rancor and scorn.
I mean, the very same cops who arrested him
Prob’ly love to spank their monkeys to porn.
Okay, so maybe it was a little bit indiscreet of him
To start fondling his schlong-ola in a public place.
But it was a dark porno theater! Who was he hurting?
Did he really deserve all that ridicule and disgrace?
It seems to me that punishment for a crime
Should equally avenge anyone that it harms.
Besides, 98 percent of all men masturbate.
(The other two percent don’t have any arms.)
So let’s analyze this situation for Pee Wee, shall we?
He was visiting his parents for a month out of state.
That’s why he didn’t just rent one at a video store.
And we all know that sometimes nature can’t wait.
So he went downtown, perhaps to walk off his randiness
When he saw a sign that read “Hot Chicks Buck Naked!”
(Or something like that. Come on, work with me here!)
Horniness overwhelmed him and he just couldn’t take it.
So he wandered inside just to scratch the itch a little
But he didn’t expect the movie to be so damn good.
Then, like the old joke about why dogs lick their nuts,
He started yanking his crank just because he could.
But little did he know that calculating eyes were upon him
Waiting for sad, lonely men to whip out their schmucks.
Then in addition to being lonely, they become felons, too!
They were only beating themselves! Man, that really sucks.
But even sadder than flogging the ol’ dork-o-roony in public
Is the horny policeman who eagerly volunteered for that job.
And you gotta know the movie got him all worked up, too.
If he could have, he too would have started slapping his knob.
Perhaps the biggest question in this Hollywood scandal
Is “Why all the surprise?” Really, why’s it such a shock?
I mean take a good look at Pee Wee Herman and tell me
Doesn’t he look like a guy who would play with his cock?
The same is true of Michael Jackson and his shenanigans.
Why on earth is everyone getting so damn overheated?
Look at the guy, for Pete’s sake! Why all the surprise?
He wears one glove and sings a song called “Beat It!”
Anyway, so they take poor Pee Wee downtown for booking
And he’s begging them all the way there to give him a break.
But the two holier-than-thou porkers just laugh in his face.
So Pee Wee offers to do a benefit for the wee children’s sake.
He says, “Please, you guys, I know I don’t look like him now.
But your kids probably watch The Pee Wee Herman Show.
Well, I’m him! I’m Pee Wee! This will ruin my career.
Isn’t there something I can do? Please, please let me go!”
But those upright men of the law wouldn’t hear a word of it.
They had captured a vile criminal. Public enemy number one.
Besides, their deep-seated shame about their own chronic wanking
Drove them to stop everyone else from having some harmless fun.
Pee Wee’s offer to do a benefit for the town’s poor kids
Just showed the innocence and simplicity of his mind.
He didn’t know that what most cops want is MONEY,
Not making kids happy, or being charitable and kind.
So let’s hand it to the brave men of Sarasota, Florida.
Because of them, The Pee Wee Herman Show folded.
Whether or not Pee Wee broke the law doesn’t matter.
For his impardonable crime, he was severely scolded.
After all, there are serious problems that we must solve
Like gangs, terrorism, crooked politicians and bankers
But since we’re unable to do a damn thing about them,
Let’s go down to the porn theater and bust a few wankers.
Meanwhile, in another neighborhood in old Sarasota,
Gangs were doing business, selling drugs at schools.
Murderers, rapists and robbers were running rampant .
Is it any wonder the world thinks Americans are fools?
And for anyone who thinks Pee Wee got what he deserved
Or that I’m condoning public indecency with this dismissal,
Allow me to clarify further - I believe there are worse crimes
Than polishing one's personal heat-seeking moisture missile.
Not that all celebrities should receive special treatment.
After all, laws are made for a reason, and a crime is a crime.
But we should weigh the good a man does against the bad.
And there's got to be better things we can do with our time.
What exactly did this whole fiasco accomplish?
What really was gained? Who was the winner?
A lot of laughter was traded for hypocritical silence
But I’d still be the first one to invite him to dinner.
It’s this kind of hypocrisy that America’s renowned for.
Struggling to appear virtuous while rotting from within.
Nobody watches it but somehow porno makes billions.
We’re a God-fearing country that can’t get enough sin.
Adding your comment:
He scared me... lol... Anyways, this was super long, BUT it was an amazing write, very funny. Great job with this, thanks for entering my contest and good luck 
lol!
