you have
taken the
depths of
my ash and
made it
new again
I, the
phoenix
flame
who
rises
but not
to burn
shall
remain whole
unlike the
husk of sanity
dead weight
running with
a broke shoe
static eyes
and empty gut
the consequence
of blindness
awake again
I see the
bright day
his face
a remedy
of hope
In a list
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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dead weight
running with
a broke shoe
Yes, I realize this is sort of an older poem and you may very well have altered it at home. I'm just curious as to whether or not it should be "broke shoe" or if broke should not be broken? I'm never sure, but as I've read, and reread this piece (as I do all poems that leave me longing for another) I find myself putting broken in place. Of course, license is what it is.
I'm left wondering, if the backward silence this poem conveys was intentional of maybe just my perception? You've taken the phoenix, downsized it, and made it attainable. Not something I would have ever thought to use. Very successful write fella. I'm still rereading it.
Much love,
Jessica
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I read goatee98's comment and I do agree that it was somewhat flat-- BUT. I did like the simple, few words. It just needs to be polished. I think its also very powerful. I wish I could offer better advice to help you out but I'm sort of on the fence with this poem. Thank you for entering my contest.
-animated ♥ -
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In my mind I know this needs something more. I already had that inkling, it's just a in progress. Most of my poems on allpoetry I am completely happy with, this one I'm still working on, however I must say that my poetry hardly ever is smack you in the face shock poetry.
I prefer a subdued more intuitive approach.
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ah, the phoenix. But isn't its very point to rise to burn again? The cycle is important, but perhaps your interruption of it is equally symbolic. well done.
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Yes, that was my point, my interruption of the phoenix was meant to be just as a important.
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ok this one i take to be that you found someone to save you from your darkness.
either an adult, a son? or God...?
was I close???
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needs more energy
it's alright, but kinda flat and silent -
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The point of the poem was to convey silence, a more prophetic distant voice than just a voice straight outloud.
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I liked this. a sort of dark feel on hope. yet hope nevertheless. It was like looking into your soul (as cliche as it may sound)
It was truthful, beautiful, imaginative. I loved it. Great job. -
Intriging!
Very nice...I don't know why, perhaps this reveals a sick mind but I had a clear vision while reading this of salt falling on a slug on a sidewalk, causing it to bubble and dissolve....whatever the reason....I thought I would share the thought with you. -
this is magnificent
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I am confident in this piece and seeing that awards are not as important to me as sharing my poetry with the world, I feel I would like this to stay.
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To be quite honest, I truly did adore this piece....the last few ending stanzas were absolutely stunning in its simplicity and profound brilliance. However, the beginning few stanzas, when compared to the radiance of the latter stanzas, do seem less glowing and unique. So therefore, this is what we have decided to do...either you may leave this piece in (we'll accept it as is), or you may delete this and enter in another one. It's up to you...as it stands, this is completely acceptable, it's just we're giving you another chance to enter something that would even outshine this masterpiece. Either way, kudos to you on an outstanding piece.
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Interesting comments above, but they have nothing to do with the entry. Think these should be sent in IM form, don't you. I did like this form you used here, unusual, unique and eye catching. Glad this one stayed too.
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First, let me say how much I hate single word lines. LOL. With that said, however, I simply adored this piece on so many levels. I can't wait until onerios gets a gander at this one. Okay, so we rarely agree on anything, and she's way more picky than I am as concerns poetry, but I just really loved the imagery in this one. Hopefully she'll get around to commenting as well, but as far as I'm concerned, this stays.
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slaughter dear you have returned with a vengence!
very nice...i completely adore the structure...my favorite lines i think are "i shall remain whole, a total of sum parts" what an interesting look at gemoetry! very nice...i also love that this flows inspite of its contagious disjointedness....very impressive as your normally are....it's great to see you back!
blessings
anyonita -
good
wow what a strange poem. it was good. lov3ed it. -
'you have taken the depths of my ash made them new again...' & I, for one, am quite pleased about it, Kenny...a succinct & powerful piece...long overdue, too...
We've missed your poetic voice, my Friend...Keep breathing these poetic sighs...beautifully done... 
Wanda
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running with a broke shoe..that's a different image. taken in with grains of salt i say! i liked how short your verses are. sets a good pace, which was likely deliberate in your case.
you should post new material more often...and i should post a little less often. but it's so hard to keep my mouth shut
I'm going to try and post a few chapters from previous stories, but i realized somewhere i introduced a new character and it was sudden. in dialogue nonetheless lol. don't you hate it when that happens?
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Super
Pretty keen poem. I certainly can't make literal sense of feeling through grains of salt, but it's a cool synaesthetic image. I also dig the first stanza...imagining a body of ash with considerable depth. -
Now, that was very good. The Poet is truely back...
I think I shall sharpen my pencil...
Hugs
Pat -
SIMPLE AND EMOTIONAL. DEEP AND NASCENT THOUGHTS.
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The broken show made me think of Vonnegut. I'm not sure why. This is great stuff, glad to see you back. I like the kaleidoscope of feelings, almost like going the full circle but stopping in the middle. Write more!
~Anastasia -
Very good
Very interesting poem, almost didn't understand it, but then i got it lol I really liked it alot, it was really different. -
I really liked the rhythm of the poem, very captivating honestly. I also liked how you structured the words to keep the reader attention, I especially liked the lines "I the phoenix flame who rises but not to burn" very well written. And much luck to you in the contest.
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NICE POEM!!
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wow i loved you choice of description in this poem..makes it stand out and flow quite well...great job..truly
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I Really Liked This Wondeful Piece!!! It WasBrilliant! <3 I Like The Title...Very Orginal! Keep Up This Awesome Talent Of Yours!!! -Rachel
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Very pretty language and wonderful, wonderful imagery. I especially love the stanza "who/rises/but not to/burn." That it so strong and beautiful. Thank you for sharing this wonderful, beautiful piece. I wish I had some applause leftover to give you. That's one thing I hate about finding fantastic poetry at the end of the day - I never have applause left. Anyway, thank you for sharing such a great piece.
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I love the brevity of the piece. I do believe I AM the broken shoe! I feel the muse stirring after reading this wonderful write.
~Dee -
My shoe is broke as well. So please forgive the inane comment.
This is minamilist cool. With lines between lines. A good, thought-provoking read.
Peace, Rob -
Ooo, thank you for the link. At first I thought I had already read this somewhere. Then I realized it's not really possible (as a post anyway) since you wrote this today. Or maybe this is a deja vu type of thing. But anyway. Yes yes yes, I love this. I love the word salt for some reason. You can make up so many images out of it. The first stanza is excellent. My favourite one. As well as the two last stanzas. And this slightly made me think of Plath. The whole phoenix thing, such as in Lady Lazarus. Oh as well as the dead weight part, like the "paperweight." Delicious stuff. Should keep my eye on you too
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