dear breeze, i beg with all my soul,
blow these cobwebs from my mind.
sift and shift these wildling thoughts,
and bring the solace i must find.
please seep unfettered through my head,
blow through and take these cloudy dreams.
leave only what is good and pure,
what glitters, sparkles, dazzles - gleams.
too long now i have been encumbered,
sadness, darkness, loss and pain.
breeze please cleanse these stagnant murmurs,
free some space inside my brain.
Author notes
Written November 16th, 2005
A contest entry
- Fantasy Flight - IV by raspberry.
303 points, ended November 18, 2005, 4 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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This is a lovely, inspirational sort of write. Rising above the chains that hold you down. Nice write.
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I really enjoyed this, you've got a way with words, lovely alliterations! I'm a big fan of alliteration, so this was heaven. I loved the whole thing, except for the last line of the first stanza, it seemed a bit confined by the rhyme. But the rest of it is just delightful.
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This flows flawlessly, and a beautiful space it is.
Nice work!
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Fantastic poem
Great piece of writing here. Another poem that flows so brilliantly. Great imagery here as well. Well done -
Very Good
This is really quite good, both in structure/flow and rhyme; albeit, I'm not sure about that word wildling but it does work somewhat for wondering or tumultuous. You have a God-given talent; so, use it well, use it wisely.
By the way, thank you for stopping by What Proof Have You. Never know who you might meet.
Love and hugs
B♥nnieQ
Associate Editor, WA
Waltsan Publishing, TX -
I love this!!! Perfectly written, very interesting! Keep up the good work!!!
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clever use of words and feeling mixed together
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I love the line: blow the cobwebs from my mind. You are talented and certainly conveyed your meaning fully in a short span of words! Bravo.
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Yes, a smooth read indeed, and one that also resonates with many as we discover our path and seek for the means to remove these doubts within. Nicely done, taking an old topic and infusing it with freshness rather than cliche.
peace
doug
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A lovely smooth read,the rhyming was exceptional the context even more so,I enjoyed this very much
Babs
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Hey this is lovely.. reads liek a real letter. Very well done. Keep it up and i look forward for reading more from ur side. Thansk for entering
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Applaud
Good flow and idea with the cleansing wind that negates negativity. Excellent poem that should speak to us all and is well worthy of applause.
Georges. -
heheh this was clever. I loved the first stanza, great flow of words. I think a lot if not all people can definately relate to this write and when you can do that you've wrote something well.
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thank you so much, it honestly is how i'm feeling so i hoped it didn't sound 'poetry-by-numbers' -ish
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Free some space inside my brain!
Amen to that! -
Glad that I clicked.
I do not think this trite at all because right now this is just what I need for a wounded soul right now. So I must applaud here in the comments as out but I am glad that I clicked on it to read. -
Wow, that just summed up exactly what I feel right now! I love the flow and rhyme in this piece. It was really dazzling!
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Mmm. Worth the change I think. Better. (=
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thank you for your comments... i changed the last 2 lines... you think better? or not worth the change?
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I agree with greeneyedmuse. The last part was a little ..sketchy. I loved the rest of the poem. It seemed you had no trouble rhyming and the flow was perfect. Good job.
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weird backround but cool peice keep writing
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hmmm, a little trite, but you've got a great start here. i reconmend cleaning this up a bit, espically the last stanza. i have read too many poems that are all variations of that. don't get me wrong, you have talent as a writer, you just need to work on this a bit more to make it completely your own.
~sammy
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