Hot tears s
l
i
d
e
down SWOLLEN cheeks
Your pretty green eyes
...linger...
checkmark carved-
(tallied)
-from my heart proves
YOU
as my failure
and as much as
you take my breath away- (honestly...
that's so cliche...)
-I SUFFOCATE
and enjoy being your
new favorite haunt.
Author notes
He has green eyes...
P.S. The "slide" didnt work the way I wanted to even after multiple attempts, so I gave up. But I think you know what I intended.
P.S.S."Write about something you wish you could tell someone you love but you have trouble finding the words."
Written November 14th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I know-titles are my weak point! I haven't the foggiest idea of what to call this. If you've got any suggestions, feel free to let me know! I appreciate any help I can get.
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AWESOME! i love poetry written like this! so good! and this, is indeed ponderworthy.
i will have to think on it more, but i love it. so full of depth. oh and think of a title!
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Excel
I find the honest emotions are well written. I know the problems with the slide computer take over. Life does this to us, all our moves in life take on forms unexpected ,slides are are often twisted from the form we think our future will take. To see the repeating of known words, is admiting life as it is , commonly repeated truth and outcomes. I consider this a deeper poem than may be seen by a simple glance. -
Why thank you. I'm glad you liked the slide part-especially since I couldn't get the stupid thing to work..ha ha..
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hey great poem. i love the format.
and i liked the slide part. good luck. -
Real. Not one of those oh-so-pretty sounding strings of words with adjectives a mile long. You can put your thoughts together in just a couple of sentences and that makes it all the more readable. I like.
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Thanks for all your input! I feel like I should expand on a couple of things that you touched on-the sliding effect won't work the way I wanted it to, but when I go to edit it it works fine until I submit it. So after I argued with the computer for about 5 minutes, I decided to call it quits.
Also, the "that's so cliche" is referring to the actual act. I wanted to put the "taking my breath" away to reference the suffocating line. The "cliche" line wasn't intended to be read as a comment on the poem, but, rather an act expressed in the poem. Hope that clarifies some things!
Thanks for reading. -
I like the sliding effect of this poem, but it does need to be set up more to showcase the purpose it was intended. doesn't feel so slide-y when it runs jagged like that, but I realize it take more time and will probably have to be adjusted manually.
and when yourself have indicated something as cliche in your own poem, that's a bad thing. poetry should never be cliche...you want a new and fresh image so that the reader might see this in a new way. you even realized yourself how old and worn-out the phrase was to this portion of the poem, so I'd delete the confession, upgrade and create a new and fresh image and you'll have a much better poem for it!
I did enjoy reading this poem overall, however, and loved the "new favorite haunt" reference at the end.
Jo -
Yesssss. She likes me...she really likes me!! Ha ha.
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Shnozzberries!
Mmmm...I need time to ponder...but initial reaction: I like. -
Oh....you flatter me. What-freaking-ever.
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ive definately never seen a poem like this...it's kinda weird but totally awesome at the same....leave it to the mayo to come up with something unique and the envy of the crowd!
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I'm his new favorite haunt...as in he haunts me and I can't get him out of my head.
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Okay so by being a favorite haunt you mean..... what exactly?
I like the set up, like falling down a helterskelter like someone once told me. Except yours actually looks like it.
Good stuff, i don't know why you say this isn't very good when it is. Crazy little shiznel
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