Black opal sky
filled with sparkling color-play.
You stand behind me
watching shadows swallow the moon
and give way to
a blushing corona.
I feel your breath on my neck,
while I hold mine
and wish upon the eclipse,
-but the ring on my hand
remains.
Like the chain of coincidence
that keeps linking us together,
not all circles are round- like
these sinuous threads
of arteries and veins
pulsing
to and from my heart-
My emotions are
a compressed spring
aching to break free.
Your words
become a Spirograph
my mind traces
overandover.
I am the moon
on an elliptical orbit
around you.
Author notes
I never write poems specifically for contests, but this one sparked my imagination. Thanks.
Critical critiques are welcome. Thanks.
Written November 13th, 2005
A contest entry
- Metaphorically Speaking by Teenage Bohemian.
300 points, ended September 9, 2006, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Circles - BIG POINTS!! by CelticQueen.
1500 points, ended September 9, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Nothing But Love. by Poetryintheblood.
525 points, ended October 10, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Thank you for your beautifully worded entry, good luck in my contest, Josie
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Ooh, I don't like the background. The squiggles get in the way of the words and make it hard to read. They're also very distracting - at least for me.
Be that as it may, the poem is beautiful. I like how you used hope as an image of a circle. Nicely done - but ditch the background!
Thanks for entering. cq -
this is very good!!
best of luck
--kat -
Good work.
I like the short sentences, motional ritm in perfect coordination.
Good.
Allura -
Thank you for entering, I do extreamly love this poem, its so beautiful you are an amazing writer, please never stop. Good Luck
-xNightxOfxAgonyx -
Thank you very much for entering your wonderful poem in my little contest! I enjoy reading all the entries! Thank you again!
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I like this a lot, thanks for entering it!
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A Fantastically descriptive scene portraying powerful & sincere feelings. The layout, pattern (like a Spirograph monitoring tranquility) and picture you used compliment the poem perfectly. I wish you had carried on writting.
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Thanks! I was offline for almost a week, and didn't even realize I'd won!
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uhmmmm uhmmmmm a real treat here
congo for bronze
A
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Congratulations on winning bronze with this poem. The background certainly does grab one's attention - great poem as well.
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I had a Spirograph - loved it! Anyway, the first thing that struck me was the background, then the way the lines were set out to form waves too. I liked the reference to circular things: rings, the Moon etc, it worked really well and was refreshingly unusual. Very clever piece of work that I thoroughly enjoyed. Good luck in the contest, take care, Heather x
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This is indeed a wonderous write. The words left my mind almost dancing with visions and images. I loved the ending because of the way that it really brought the emotion of it together for me. Thank you so much for entering.
~Jessica -
I loved this!
Thankyou for sharing! -
Corona has several definitions, one of which is: one or more circles of light seen around an object (any object), and another is the head of the penis- the word was chosen to add to the sexual undertone of the poem.
A Spirograph is a tracing toy. Here is a link to an online version of it:
www.math.dartmouth.edu/~dlittle/java/SpiroGraph/
I am a sci-fi fan. What have you written? -
Some lovely images here - though in my other persona as a science-writer I am a little unhappy about the word 'corona' )specifically a solar feature, applied to what appears to be an eclipse of the moon!
And what is a Spirograph? I suspect from the capital letter that this may be a trade-name... Do be careful! Some firms get very unpleasant about having their products mentioned in poetry. My magazine (MANIFOLD) was once almost sued by Ford's for mentioning one of their models of cars - we had, in fact, cleared it with their UK subsidiary - but head office in Detroit said we should have got permission from THEM. -
Thank you so much. When I read you were one of the judges, I was especially looking forward to your critique. I understand how busy life can get, especially when work dictates you have to travel to Japan. Thank you for giving me such an extensive explication. I appreciate it very much.
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Danna:
With all the critical praise this work already received -- and there has justifiably been a lot -- you may (or may not) have noticed that despite my having been one of the contest judges, I never had the opportunity to comment. While a note was placed on the contest page explaining my predicament, largely related to substantial travel for work (particularly to Japan), I still wanted to return to provide my thoughts, and to apologize specifically for the earlier "blank" page. I did read this previously, and wholly support its receipt of the Honorable Mention. In this contest, that was tantamount to being a trophy.
I think you are aware of my real-life love of astronomical elements and (in poetry) of their use as metaphor. I have several examples in my own work on this site. So it should hardly come as a surprise that I was also delighted by your use of the device in this work. The "black opal" that reflects the coronal transformation in the sky is a marvelous metaphor for the larger image of mutual attraction -- for love can in fact eclipse all other emotion in the right context. And yes, like the moon in orbit around the earth, affection is its own continuous dance, locked in the gravitational pull that is need. Those elements combine neatly, as others said well before me, to present the further complex pattern of spirographic circles on circles. Much like relationships, the circles the define our affection and needs for one another in the end create far greater, far more complex, shapes that are profoundly beautiful in their own right. That indeed is the beauty and secret of the spirograph, which you used so effectively (though, LOL, I am looking at Jantastic's comment and thinking, "Yes, this critique goes out the window if it relates to a device to measure respitory movements, though ironically that would work within the poem too given the notions of breathless anticipation and the images of pulmonary activity within the veins). Anyway, as you can tell, I much admired this work and was delighted it was, in fact, singled out by the judges for effectiveness. Belated congrats!
Which, of course, again brings me back to my original point. I am indeed terribly sorry you are receiving these thoughts a month late, though I assure you they are sincere and were in my thoughts when I originally read the piece. I like the other judges am grateful you made the effort to enter our contest; especially in light of your author note comment regarding the rarity of such action. Thank you again. -
This is pretty good! You managed to describe a great deal of emotion in just a few lines, which I think most have trouble with. I enjoyed this, and I also enjoyed the images of the moon dissappearing into a flushed face. Good job!
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the chain of ideas in this is well put together.. it flows well and it reads well... I like the idea of being the 'moon' and the elipse..
very nicely done.. thank you for your entry.
Liza -
I did not know that there was a respitory machine known as a spirograph. Thank you for teaching me something.
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I'm having difficulty looking at this critically just now as it has struck me on an emotional level that I can relate to. Perhaps that's all it needs to do. The chain of coincidence that keeps linking us together, yep. The Spriograph reference stood out to me a little as a cultural reference in a poem that might otherwise be somewhat timeless. I assume from the capitalization you are refering to the "toy" rather than the spirograph used to measure respiratory movements (although that would be a lovely reference as well). As I say you struck a chord with this one. I am glad you found yourself inspired to write for the contest. Thanks so much for entering.
Jan -
I think what I really related to in this poem was the final idea, of the eliptical orbit - I thought, yeah, relationship IS like that, sometimes closer, sometimes more distant. That alone is a brilliant observation. Nice work, Danna.
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Very unique and dark at the same time. I really enjoyed this poem. Plus, the background is awesome! Great job and keep posting! <3
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Remember this background - awesome.
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This is a lovely poem, thanks so much for sharing. You write really well, witha great style a vocabulary! Keep up the good work!
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yup that should do it...i think i REALLY get it now, i suppose it makes more sense when the symbolism is not obscure, thanks.
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Pure skill
and pure brilliance
an excellent write
Lisa -
i would really love to understand this it its entirety! i know their is somehow anger, confusion, and this is so much more complex than people are deeming...i felt this on an emotional level, but intellect-wise, i feel so baffled! i know that every simile/metaphor revolves around a circle/spheric object,i am really pleased with this piece...i would just appreciate an explanation maybe...
well thank you most of all for sharing, and wish you well,
buki
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Oh! I like what you have done with the circle idea. Very clever and creative. Life is a circular journey, isn't it?
I wish you well in the contest.
~Mr Cat
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I don't think I can give a critical comment that could possibly improve this ... this is marvelous
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...You're my hero. This is amazing stuff. Totally amazing stuff! Your work and ability is inspiring - I love everything about your style.
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I am a Reba fan, so I consider that a high compliment. Thanks for reading! Hope you are well.
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Jesus other than the fact that you made me a word freak run for the dictionary, I have to tell you Reba songs kept coming to my mind while reading this... The entire circle thing made for great promise and desire somehow without saying so. Which hey means Wonderful Job.. Take Care Danna, I hope you and your boys have a great holiday..
Catressa
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Glad you picked up on the infatuation. If you understood that, you got more of it than you give yourself credit for. Thanks for reading.
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nice very
I picked this off of the featured list you did a nice job i like the background even though it was crazy it tests your concentration nice write even though i didn't get much of it i hope you do well in the contest you are apparently a good on the spot writer. Your infatuation in what ever you were writing about is amazing it drips emotion and again good luck -
i've enjoyed this. i wish i wasn't at work though so i could think about more in depth. i may have to read it again when i go home... i love the comparison with a spyrograph. excellent, good luck in contest
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made me think
good wright
made me think how small each of us is in the scheme of things
and how ewre all made of the same lego
\respek -
lovely finale... another great work from Danna... congratz!
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Wow, is all that I can say. I thought this was a brilliant write. I love how nature can explain emotions so well. I thought the details of nature and love combined very well together. Keep up the good work!
~Jessica~ -
ooh good luck with this pice! Its an exelent penning! I love the way its presented and the meaning you give to the circle! good job!!
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Thanks, Gill, I am glad you liked that. You have my permission to steal it
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I tried something different, to bring the poem full circle, back to the image of the moon. I hope it worked. Thanks for all your help
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Wow, I've never had someone offer to go in with me on a plot of revenge
Thanks. It's actually the best offer I've had all day 
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Danna..
as Mary said.. the background.. oohh way too much hun.. sorry, found it quite hard to concentrate on the words, but when I'd read the piece a few times.. I did enjoy it...
for the imagery of the veins and arteries providing cyclic motion is fabulous .. may have to steal that one day.. hheheheh
Many thanks for entering
~GILL~xx -
i almost think you could eliminate them altogether and end with connotation.
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I did go a bit crazy with the background, didn't I?
Thanks for your thoughts on the last three lines. I have had the same feeling about them. Even tried working them in earlier. Not sure what I am going to do about it, but I will think on it, and thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.
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not all circles are round- like
these sinuous threads
of arteries and veins
pulsing
to and from my heart.
Oh, i do love those lines. The strength of thought and follow through with wording is indeed well done.
I wondered if anyone would use spirograph. I am pleased to see you have. You use it perfectly here.
a couple quick thoughts- the final three lines do not seem as strong as the rest of the poem, perhaps it is the word emotion that takes it into a bit of a cliche realm for me?
also- the background seems a tad distracting, but really- that is neither here nor there in a piece this well executed.
Best of luck in the contest.
Mary
Edited on Nov 15, 5:41 p.m. because 'forgot to leave best wishes...'.
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beautiful piece
WoW!!!!great poem. wonderful sentiment in this poem, so pure and true that your emotions expressed with light. great imagery. very creative nice tone and flow.beautiful and sincerity words my friend. keep penning -
'...you stand behind me watching shadows swallow the moon and give birth to a blushing corona...' I love your use of language & your vivid, textured imagery, Danna...This is an amazing penning...Good luck in the contest... Wanda
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perfect~
A very unique and clever poem
Especially with the theme of the ring..the moon & the line
Trying to break free I know you don't enter many contest sweetie but best of luck in this one...looks like a winner in my book and I think the background just enhances the poem
Love n hugs
Susan~~~
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Thanks so much. That means a lot coming from you.
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Dana -
Thanks so much for breaking your trend in not specifically writing for contests. This piece is so very creative and perfect for the contest. Within this, you give us a few images to reflect "circles of life" and they are all so vivid. I almost leave this piece feeling wistful of the tones that lie in your verses.
Thanks so much for taking the time in the contest. It's such a nice piece to have found here.
Kimmie -
i love this even better now, a quality write that penetrates into time and soul. outstanding, best of luck in the contest.
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excellent
this is an awesome poem.its very creative great job. you have a great imagination! -
I love the structure of this poem. Poems that aren't in a solid line by line format always draw my attention. Very nice similes and metaphors in this piece. The description is wonderfully done. Great write!
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This is a really sweet poem,keep up the good work .
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This poem is so beautifully emotional! i love it!
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Very creative, you used so much imagery, and it was very unique. Great job.
Always,
Fallen from Me xo -
Lovely poetry
A lovely poem with so much imagery and sincerity. The theme of the ring and circle of life flows beautifully...the moon, corona, links in the chain,Spyrograph and finally the compressed spring "aching to break free". There is also colour and tangibility about the poem without being overstated. -
I loved this piece!I think it was so beautiful.=)
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oh wow this is awesome.... great job here! it's abstract and beautiful but all the same meaningful...
-aubrey -
Very abstract, this is wonderful, Im jealous. I can never get anything to come out this beautifully. Great job. Good luck in the contest.
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Well done!
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wow...i am not worthy. extremely interesting, your eyes are forced downward. you cannot look away once you've been bitten by the first few words. fantastic imagery, beautiful background as well, but that not my job to say. if everyone could express feeling and emotion and belief as perfectly as this poem does, then there would be no war, divorce, starvation, hate, or darkness. beautiful.
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Thank you so much for your suggestion! I tried writing it in present tense, and I think you are right.
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Excellent piece Donna, seamed together wonderfully, and how I enjoyed reading this unique write..I wish you all the best within this contest..Some well chosen words here as well...Nice! Thanks for sharing you, pen on poetess!
-Timothy The Poetic Weaver
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i like it. lots of good images here...that first line would be more powerful if it simply read..
black opal sky and it would pull me into the moment if it were all written in present tense...
this night as you stand behind me..
i feel your breath on my neck while i hold mine...
still the ring on my hand remains..
this poem has a lot of potential, and the concept in circular is interesting. i really like your write, i just 'feel' a poem more when it is able to pull me into the moment rather than look back at it. -
Fantastic
A truely unique poem for a unique contest. Your metaphor and simile are right on target. This poem flows well and so vivid!!! Thanks for a fantastic read
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That is a beautiful poem, really pretty
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great poem
great poem and full of imagination......... love it! -
Superb images and symbols. I also liked the line reffering to the ring. Excellent and intense!
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Yes, Joyce, you know exactly what it is about.
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abstract, powerful, intense and wonderful what can i say when a poet is good a poet is good no disputes.
well written detail upon detail,this is really great too bad my applauses are finished for the day
so i will add you to my favorites...
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oooo I bet I know what this is about. Wonderfully written as usual Danna
I could almost feel that breath myself.
Red -
very imaginative and interesting poem.enjoyed reading very much.
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very original piece, the style is exceptional and your idea is unique. the obscurity of the poem really draws in my interest. great job on this.
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honestly the background was a bit imtimidating to me but witty at the same-time. However as i was reading two of the lines could sway like this:
but the ring on my hand
remains...
Like the chain of coincidence
...this possibly could oomph the poem a bit more and before i forget to say this, the way this was done was not only abstract but it was the words that were very subtle and not at all overpowering
Rae -
Loved this background, went so well with the poem. The poem is just priceless - you say such profound things in such unique ways. Liked this a lot.
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For once, I am left speechless. Beautiful...
-Applause Worthy
Killian -
WOW THIS IS INTENSE, POWERFUL IMAGERY AND THE BACKGROUND ALSO REALLY ADDS TO THE EFFECT OF THIS POEM...KEEP UP THE AWESOME WRITING.
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Very descriptive and obscure in a really appealing way. My favorite line is 'watching shadows swallow the moon'. A truly profound work.
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I am honored. Thank you.
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This is good Danna, so good that I'm going to put you on my favorites list. Forgive me, but I had forgotten how good you truly are! Very good!
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Great
Wow, I like it. Great job, I especially love the complex words, they add a nice touch. I hope that you will continue writing and have a wonderful day. -
Thanks for such kind words. Coming from such a great writer, that is a real compliment.
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Wow, that's really good. Nice ambiguity, and original feelings. (I never really liked the Spirograph my brothers and I had--it's funny, I haven't thought about that for 100 years.) Anyway, this is a very good poem, I'm all jealous now.
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good
loved the close... but the squigely patterns kinda stoped my brain from lettin it all sink ikn...
respect anyway
enjoyed -
i think that the background goes very well with the poem...however, with all the lines different, form wise, like spaces and syllables and such, it seemed to me like you were trying to impress the readers instead of that part coming naturally. The poem itself was absolutely amazing, but the format really threw me off. But then again, I'm just one of those people who am not overly impressed with fancy formats...good job overall.
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This is a very powerful and brilliantly penned poem and the back
Ground adds to the power of the images that you have so passionately penned into this poem the whole thing ran beautiful
With flow and emotions that were and are very heart felt thank you again for allowing me to read and comment on your work and best of luck to you in this contest.. -
That... is damn good.
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oh, this is beautiful... i adore the background and your words are eloquently presented. A lovely poem, very nice.
Enjoyed it,
~ Wendy -
Very very good poem. I just love the part 'not all circles are round' I like the whole poem don't get me wrong, but I think that one makes you think.
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OMG! that is soo good! keep it up!
~*Water Wtch*~ -
very good write, and a very nice background if i may add. keep writing my friend, you have a definate talent here and it shows!
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This is a nice write. The fourth line was my favorite. I truly enjoyed the read.
~Dee -
Great write!
Though I found the background distracting, the words would read better aligned further to the right. It's a shame to distract even a letter from this wonderful, inspiring write.
I loved the imagery of the spirograph, very creative!
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i really enjoyed the work, the imagery, the pattern and flow, but i found the background distracting, perhaps if your words weren't actually caught up in the visual, i think if the words were beside the circles rather than on top it would be much easier to be compelled by them
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