Drip
Splash
Drip
Splash
Bloodshot eyes are open,
shaking and staring, unseeing
into channels, through the cracks
hidden in the ceiling,
opened further, if you try,
by the constant staccatos
in insanity's symphony
Author notes
Very bizarre and much changed from the poem that fell into my head during dinner with my Grandfather. It really is a shame I can't remember the original. *sigh* Not really digging this piece as it is right now.
[edit] Title change and some commas more for beat than real punctuation. Wheeeeeeeee! *slaughters grammar*
Written November 12th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
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I dig it. It presents an image in a way that does more than just the simple show and tell. The image is emphasized by the underlying tone of the poem, which makes for a fulfilling read. That's one thing that's really awesome about your writing. You make the reader feel the poem in more than one way- with both the words and the tone achieved when they are combined.
I also love the way this is worded: "the constant staccatos
in insanity's symphony". Fantastic.
I know that this isn't the exact poem that came to you, so you're not going to be satisfied with it. It's that feeling of not saying precisely what you originally wanted to say... but it's still an excellent piece. If the original comes back to you, it'll be awesome to see how it can get tied into this, but if it doesn't, this certainly holds its own.
Oh, and ignore that first person... I looked at some of their stuff and apparently the girl's friend is going around causing trouble under her screenname, but if it is really her, well, looking at her poetry, she probably just didn't get this.
Much love! -
i disagree with tiffy, i thought it was really cool. i like how you connected the noises in the beginning at the end by calling it a symphony, i thought that having that closed the poem fine!
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Your right its not really that grea but it looks like something you might be able to build off of later
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