independentartistscompany.com/songs.aspx?SongID=10543&ArtistID=9993
"If I always knew what I was doing
Nothing would get done
But the eggs and the melon
Nobody knows what they're selling"
Says the blind crippled creole woman
Shelling crawdads on a stump by the river.
"Mother, I have a sliver"
It's hot, and I have been climbing fences
Again, Staring at the sun
Eating unripened fruit
Crab apples and gage plum
I'm not dumb, just a stickler
For the forest and the chase
The light feel of wicker
Run, run, run into the wind
I have a certain number
of sunsets; A counted out version
Of life and limb
I have a vision of me
that exists in more places than 1.
"Father, I have my hands to yours
against the heaviest glass I've ever
felt, and a set of phones to match"
A grassy hill to tumble down
With other children of color
My skin gets so dark in the summer
That I don't ever want to wake up
And grandma smells of menthols
& BBQ; I killed her coi last week
She was furious, beat me with a spoon
Like thick spaghetti sauce, or whipped
cream -- I dream of monsters,
Movie posters, and cold mountains
dotted with caves.
God, let my children see me;
As I was, before the three pawed wolf
Prior to the lopped off tongue, and wild eyes
And I will rub your back like a good boy
I will kneel at your giant feet
And wash star dust from your toes
Until my hands cramp, and skin drops
off to serve another creature
with brighter features.
Once upon a time
I rode my bike so fast
That, I forgot I was me
In figure 8's
I closed my eyes
And let things be
Until the turns became so tight
I disappeared with a laugh
A happier secondary.
I trust that a part of me knows better
And sometimes, I witness miracles.
independentartistscompany.com/songs.aspx?SongID=10543&ArtistID=9993
Author notes
independentartistscompany.com/songs.aspx?SongID10543&ArtistID9993
Written November 12th, 2005
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 44 of 44
-
This is fun and profound. Worth reading several times not just for the imagery but for the themes/messages you can take away from it with each read. Thank you for sharing!
-
This has some good moments but needs reduction to core images. It wanders and disjoints itself.
-
I bet you do, aim to please that is!
-
You know you've done well when the commentary is longer than the piece and is litter with style preferencs. Whether good or bad marks it is irrelevant. If the critique is lnger than the piece you got it right. 'nuf said. RC
-
i must agree with zera on one thing...the way the poem looks, it's visual value is quite important too.
i like this poem. it has some really nice images and it is not cliche-y (i made up that word. lol)
i think you did a fine job with this. -
It was a pleasure. How are you these days?
-
I may be wrong, but I think I recall seeing this entered at one point in the contest that I was helping Mary Cat's group "in the burning" run back in November. Regardless, it's a fine work and as someone prior to me indicated (anasuya perhaps?) it would certainly make an excellent vocal piece. The figure 8s of the title play nicely into the figure 8 of imagery that infuses the piece, beginning with the Creole elements all the way through to the self-reflections of the ending. The piece has just a very nice rhythmic flow, coupled with sensual (in the sensation sense) movement between thought and image. An excellent work, Jeremi. If this was in fact ever entered in the contest, I regret that you did in fact remove. Nonetheless, having found it again (or for the first time), I am happy to say I like it.
-
damn but I can relate to the end of this.. I've spent most of my life trying to escape myself.. never succeeding for much more than a few moments, yet the times I have stand out in my memory like neon signs..
and I hate to copy and paste things... but..
I trust that a part of me knows better
And sometimes, I witness miracles.
yeah.. so do I and I couldn't begin to explain why...
there's a lot here that's potent ..I wish I could give a decent intellectual comment.. but the best I can do is say that the imagery works for me..
Liza -
ahhh... the mysterious end quote
yes, I got the prison glass -
Yes, prison glass is thick, and only god knows when the quote ends.
-
I would like to know where the close quote belongs after the opening one at "God let my children see". There are little gems to be discovered in this the hands pressed against "the heaviest glass I've ever felt" and the dizzying ever diminishing figure eights in the second last stanza are a couple.
-
I aim to please whether the seats up or down.
-
ahahahahaha
best read of the evening - thanks!
glad to know there's still a "bad boy" on the site
-
Thanks, I wish I had some sort of intellectually stimulating reply, or some witty off the cuff retort currently about your work, or critique (in general), but unfortunately I've never read your work, and probably never will, and barely scanned your critique. I do know this however, out of the 87 people that have read this? You're the only crotchity critique yet; there's always one in every crowd, the unpleasable loose chick on the block that grew up wanting more, and settling for less. All I know is that we come from two highly different schools of writing, and I'm increasingly thrilled about that (you hang out with cads like martooni and other clique(y) drunk whiner type poets, while I've always worked alone, not needing the fellowship or company of the rhomboids and pseudo beat 'woah is me' hacks). I also know that the vague insecure writers I threaten the most with my craft always say the same two ridiculously neither here nor there things about my poetry: Center justification (as if all of my poetry is center justified [clearly an aestetical factor entirely up to the author]; which, in my book, not one poem is, and only about 50% of my poems on this site are, but I still am forced to hear that from the likes of you as if my work is based solely around that method, that gets boring and agitating to say the least). And starting each line with a capital letter (another pointless observation). In my opinion neither of those two things has anything real to do with the poem itself, or poetry in general on a whole, and is just some distraction critics like yourself use to justify your torpid critiques, predictable responses, and bottomed out obscurantisms. Similar to a tight pair of jeans coupled by a yeast infection in Prague. If my poem was a little too cryptic for you, perhaps this response has shed some light on your 'dog that just smelled its own fart confused head tilt', Zara. Feel free to keep up that ever dull droning of yours, and as they say here at allpoetry.com 'keep penning'.
Edited on Nov 23, 1:44 because ''. -
I think I can be blunt with you.
I see this piece as loaded with potential - the central idea (I think) of the kid and the ambience of his surroundings, his people is all there - but I think it's rough, unfinished. To me it reads like the ramblings of a mind set free to ramble, maybe stoned or drunk, or not. There's stuff that's not clear to me, that seems extraneous to the poem.
I have to say I don't generally like center justified poems, unless there's a good reason for it, and I don't like capitalization at the beginning of every line - maybe that makes sense for classical forms, but otherwise I don't think so. Your final quotation is not closed. Either you've corrected some spelling since I last read this, or I can't see tonight.
You've written some good poems, and this could develop into one; for me it ain't there yet.
-
I have a vision of me
that exists in more places than 1.
A captivating line. This piece is outstanding full of incredible imagery and stark contrasts. The rediscovering of oneself throughout a lifetime is a rich background for poetry. Miracles do happen. I know.
disappear has one s.
Happy to see this one here.
M -
This was absolutely wonderful ... I stayed gripped to the story to the end & finished wanting more ... wonderful job here
-
I enjoyed the hell out of this. This reminds me , for some reason of Corso [Gregory}. If you arent familiar I think you would like his work. I took the entire trip and understood much. I want crawdads and wisdom. Too far north for one and too dense for the other. I smell your grandma with open. Was it pulled pork, or ribs, Damn, I'm hungry.
I hope you don't know better. I heard the eights approach your center and POOF- calm and perception. Enough of my drivel. This is better than mine. And I like mine. Thanks for an EXCELLENT read! I knew this would be a great contest.
Peace, Rob -
You combine the mystical with the personal exceptionally well. One of the best poems I've read in a while.
-
Jeremi
this is just superb.. what can I say.. the way the words coil round to form splendid figures..
8 is a perfect title.. well done hun
~GILL~xx -
Well he is one cute kid. Good to see your image is working.
DL~ -
It's there, look now, it's my son.
-
Reminds me of Naked Luunch in a way. And what happened to your picture? Run out of goats? Ha!
A decent write. Bit abstract, and this one without a doubt reminds me of New Orleans. Great lyrics.
DL~
-
Simply a great write. Fantastic detail and such a great ending. There's nothing better when a poem offers that short story feel enough to pull us in and not let us skip a line.
Thanks so much for entering this. It's really a great piece.
Kimmie -
I like the point of view in this, very well written. I, too, wonder about the picture... Another awesome write ! Athena
-
So very cool
You swim in the sea of mystics dreams, dive deep , then surface with things of painful beauty, scaresley short of breath. Thank you for the sharing. -
Dear Jeremi...ou are so hard on yourself. You are slowly but surely exorcising the deamons that plague you. I have always admired your writes but they are deeper with more meaning of late. You're getting there. Hug the family for me.
~~~POO~~~ -
very very interesting poem and the images were to capture every sense of the reader in every line. gosh, I could actually smell the menthols and BBQ lifting from your grandmother!!!
the poem title, a simple circular "8" was such a great lure and draw to this poem...and you really utilized it to it's full advantage in this write. good luck in this contest! you really have a wonderful poem entry here!
Jo -
for a minute there, since...i dont think i was as focused as i should have been...i thought that last line said..."A part of me is dying, but i still sometimes witness miracles"
Seems like you're back lovey, though, you were never really gone. this piece seems more you, and less "disturbed" than the prior you. of which im glad.
ps. you can write Koi too
N... -
Sometimes, your writing just blows me away. I wonder what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of your brain with all of these thouchts and ideas swirling around in there. I think I would be left incredibly dizzy but amazed. As for this piece, I liked the stanza about riding your bike in figure 8's, as well as the stanza before it. Actually, I think they are all fascinating!
Anna -
Great. Great all the way.
-
Thank you, Jeremi for answering my question about coi
.... now... what about the picture.... ???? I can't see it, just the black square with the red x in the corner
Dee
-
coi carp (big japanese gold fish for ponds).
-
OMG, this is an amazing poem....I lvoed how it circled and circled again around the line: "I have a vision of me
that exists in more places than 1."
You took me into the head of the child, the mother, the father...
OMG, this is one of those that you can't put yur finger on the exact profound piece of it...but it is a feast...... a hudnrd applauses if I could! Horus, you never fail to amze me. I am booking this as a favorite. -
Gotta bookmark this one. Simply amazing.
-
An emotional 'going in circles' poem, taking us from here to there smoothly and with grace. I found myself looking forward to what the next thought would be, how it would be expressed. This is very good, Jeremi.
One tiny question... in the stanza about grandma.. you wrote, 'I killed her coi last week'...I don't know what 'coi' is or means...or is it a typo?
I have read the poem a few times now, each time gleaning something new either in style or content interpretation.
Excellent write, Jeremi
Good luck in the contest
Dee
P.S....what hapopened to the picture? It's not showing on my end, just a black space with the little red X in the corner???
Edited on Nov 12, 4:28 p.m. because ''. -
Now this is one I'd definitely want to see and hear performed. The extremely gentle rhyme here and there is so metrical that I can't decide if I'm reading poetry, slam, beat or lyrics. lol. Maybe a combination of all of the above. And damnit. Stop entering contest I'm in. I'll never win that way!
-
A wonderfully created maze of your thoughts. You pull the reader in but make them hold on tight as you quickly shift about often within this piece.
Nice Write! Most Unique!
Blessings
celticmoon -
Wow, very all over the place. The reader almost get lost in your thoughts.
-
mixed
i was bored untill you made me dizzy thinking of the eyes shut figure of 8 think
that bit was beautiful...
respek -
I did enjoy reading this, I like the odd feel of the words and the unusual imagery "She was furious, beat me with a spoon Like thick spaghetti sauce, or whipped cream" worked very well, for example. I have to admit I'm not entirly sure what the poem is about, but I think thats probably just me!
LB -
This was a great read, and very diffrent, I loved reading it, the description is brialliant, ciao
X rozz x -
I love it. There's so much emotion and you explained everything so well. I really love this and I love the imagery you put in it to make it better. I'll look forward to reading more of your work. Great write and keep up the good work.
-
hmm very different....
Very Unique...I love it!
xoxox
kayla
Adding your comment:
1 - 44 of 44
15 old applause
