1. To capture the rapture of the object of your heartthrob,
place a patty of chopped meat,
preferably veal or lamb,
across the neck of an ox
and stick it with forks and knives
made in a city in eastern India southwest of Calcutta,
then serve it to an international association
organized to eliminate customs restrictions
in a Ohio River valley settlement
that has been cleared of trees
and offers choice shopping.
2. To heighten her sense of intense attraction for you,
announce the arrival of conditioned responses
of excitable muscles soon to be extinct
and wire them with linear arrays of lights
in the erogenous zones
than are pre-programmed to arouse and maintain
an unimaginable persistence of desire
which ultimately culminates in complete erotomania
of your minds.
3. To set the romantic ambiance,
obtain a drill press and a root-based vegetable
and have a baboon concoct a beverage of moisture
that falls in multicolored droplets
onto durable cottons and linen twill of various weights
and endeavor to drape her in them.
4. To arouse her affections in the night air
you must seek out a lantern-shaped cupola
atop a medieval building
that you can both embrace and caress.
5. To ensure her deep, ineffable feelings of passion for you
I suggest comedy characterized by slapstick,
burlesque, and horseplay while playing with her black and white bunnies.
Note, you must get her black and white bunnies if she has none.
6. For a sense of underlying oneness with her
you may share unscrupulous attacks
on those aspects of you
that cannot be easily changed, and which she may adore.
7. For creating intense attraction between the two of you
don the cheapest in any line of merchandise
that appeals to the most unsophisticated and undiscerning eye,
and employ your multitude of enhanced musical talents
for making emotional connections.
8. Finally, to guarantee her complete intellectual attachment
take her to a public waiting room
and utter short, intermittent phrases that are derivatives of Latin
and which address that branch of zoology
that pertains to mammals.
Now if you have encountered these suggestions before
then your extraocular muscles will know these
to be effective methods,
and your skills are already outside all known ranges of measurement
and are quite remarkable in their response to the random stimuli
of involuntary muscles and the stream of images from the mind.
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Good one!
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