We amble slowly down the sinuate street
the pebbled asphalt firm beneath our feet.
The moon is cleaved in two and riding high
a beacon in the swiftly gloaming sky.
We speak of “nothing much” as we move on
while in my mind the picture’s words are drawn.
We’re softly swapping thoughts both forth and back
serenaded by your crutches click and clack.
There is no breeze at all to tease our hair
and I’m taken by the stillness of the air.
I watch you and I think how love can stream
how it doesn’t always take you where you dream.
I think of: How true beauty’s often wrought
by winds where trees and rocks and waves are caught.
How pain and disappointment paint our life
but through it all I’m glad that I’m your wife.
I watch a fire burning by the road
Thankful that, we two can share the load
The smoke tornados embers to the stars
and I ponder how your body’s stroked with scars.
Each is the symbol of a battle waged
Defeating one, another too soon raged.
I tried to shield you and your pain to ease
as leaves are formed, to shelter storm torn trees.
I reflect upon the sun that’s now concealed
- as I gaze across a verdant hay filled field -
and realize though constrained by moon or earth
morning’s triumph is life’s promise of rebirth.
We turn as one sure of our path back home
no matter where in life we‘re rashly blown
and I know as I take comfort in your eyes
that our hope and love, like Sol will always rise.
Patricia Gibson-Williams
November 9, 2005
Author notes
I used option #6. Like life this poem didn't end up where I planned for it to go, but it's about Joe and me and our lives. He's had 8 surgeries in the last few years and this (his second total hip replacement) was hopefully his last. Three more weeks on crutchs and hopefull we'll be back on the dance floor and our quest to have children. Patti
Written November 9th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- My, Those Are Some Shiny Trophies.... by SliptheFlitch.
500 points, ended December 13, 2005, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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This was very deep, and very endearing. I could feel the sadness and hope in every word. Great job, and I hope all goes well for you. Thank you for sharing, and good luck!
~Slip~ -
"Each is the symbol of a battle waged," has a smaller number of beats than the previous line. "As leaves are formed, to shelter storm torn trees," is klunky at the end because the last three words are very much like a tongue-twister. Try saying it three times fast and you'll see what I'm saying. Also I think it should be "storm-torn." It should have the hyphen. Also "hay-filled." You have to use a hyphen when you are talking about one idea and using two words. They have to be connected. I would say also, "I reflect ON the sun," etc. It works better in your rhythm, you see? I don't want you to think that I don't like this poem or anything like that. Far from it! I honestly think you've done a good job. But I'm no good to you or myself if I'm not honest, right? All in all, good job!
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Thank you Ocerus for your comment. I would appreciate it if you could point out where my rhythm is clunky. I've reread this and I can't find it, but then I know how I expect to read and maybe that’s the problem. As far as I can tell my meter is pretty much regular throughout the poem and if it’s not I want to fix it. But without a specific area (or areas) to assess, I can’t do anything. To tell you the truth I was rather shocked that anyone found more then a slight problem with meter or rhythm anywhere in this poem. Guess that just goes to show that we aren’t always the best judge of how well we’ve done something. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this. Patti
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i liked the reading and the description of the moon in verse one- the moon cleaved in two as in a half moon. descriptive wording
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great
I liked this piece a lot...great rhyme. I look forward to reading more of your work as I enjoyed this one very mcuh!
nicely done! -
A bit wordy in places that leads to some rhyme patterns a bit out of whack. We all amble along at our own pace....
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This is okay, but you really, really, REALLY have to watch your rhythm. If that means taking out the occassional word or two, well, so be it. Your rhyme is decent and the narrative flows well, it's just the rhythm is oh so klunky!
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wow1!!!! amazing.This is such a beautiful tender poem i just love every line of it .nice tone and good flow lot of emotions here too so touching.
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awsome
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This is such a beautiful tender poem. I loved the reflections upon where fate has taken you and the way you stay committed to him throughout it all. I could picture that walk in my minds eye and also the insights running through your mind. This is one of the most touching poems I've read in my time on AP. Thanks for sharing it with us. And I hope he recovers fully and your quest for kids is a fun and successful one
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Hi Shancy,
Joe has had many surgeries and he has a lot of scars, and I think of them as battle scars. They seem to cross his body like someone painted them there.
A large scar straight down the center of his stomach from 3 surgeries following an accident. (They did a colostomy after his colon ruptured and a week later they revised it because it wasn’t healing properly, 3 months later they reversed it and put his plumbing back the way it belongs.) A medium size one on his left side where the bag was and a small one on the right where they had a drain tube. (The accident happened 3 days before I was scheduled to move in with him.) He also has another scar on his upper abdomen from a surgery to have his gallbladder removed. (One of two surgeries that happened before we met.)
He has a scar that is about 3 inches long on his right hip where they did surgery trying to keep him from needing a hip replacement after he was diagnosed with a disease (AVN) that was constricting the blood flow to the tops of his femurs. The surgery failed and he has two large scars (one on each hip) from total hip replacements the right was done in February and the left was done 3 weeks ago.
He has a rather large scar on his back from 3 back surgeries. The first was before I met him. The second was for a herniated disk after being on crutches from the first hip surgery. The third was done because he developed an infection after the second back surgery and his Dr. didn’t treat it aggressively enough. The infection ended up getting into the disk and bone. The scar is larger because they had to clean out the infection and then let it heal from the inside out.
Most of these surgeries came so quickly after the last one, that it seemed that he would defeat one medical problem and another was already looming. With his first hip replacement he was forced to put it off for months because of the infection and by the time his infectious diseases Dr. agreed to let him have the surgery the bone at the top of his femur had collapsed to the point that the top half of the ball was gone. Needless to say he was in excruciating pain and using a cane by that time. I’m sorry this was so long, but I hope this explains what I was trying to say. Patti
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Hello Wessterf, I'd be flattered to have you add me to your favorites. Patti
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This was nice and lulling. There was a part I didn't understand
about the scars. But it is a lovely poem. Shancy -
Great Work
I Love This Poem!!!! Can I Add You To My Favorites? -
well done, I enjoyed this read very much nice tone and good flow .look like many storms have been in this relationship.you can probaly relate to others.
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well done, I enjoyed this read very much
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Yeh i haven't read a poem of yours in a while
It's touching. Seems many storms have been weathered in this relationship/marriage...
Nice...
Olivia -
i thought your poem was lovely.realy enjoyed it.
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