I had a 300-page notebook
bursting with years of observations
character studies
political musings
philosophical meanderings
unraveled mysteries
bits and pieces of the great American novel.
I had big plans for that notebook.
Big plans.
I was sitting in the backyard one morning
re-reading some of the entries,
recommitting myself to do something with them
someday
when the phone rang.
I went inside
and got lost in happy conversation for two hours
with an old friend.
I didn't notice
that a hard rain had begun to fall outside.
I said goodbye and hung up the phone,
then made a sandwich
and watched an old Jimmy Stewart movie.
I thought about all the movies he made,
the immensity of his contribution to the world
but how little I had heard about him since he died.
I wondered if he ever thought
he could change the world with his creations
the way some artists do.
The movie ended, and finally,
I remembered the notebook.
My heart froze with terror.
I ran outside
nearly knocking the door off the hinges
as if another minute would matter
and found the notebook sitting on the table
pages open and soaking wet,
an 8 1/2 x 11 sponge.
The ink had run on every page.
All my precious poems and stories,
my would-be contributions to society,
the seed of my future fame and fortune,
had been transformed into 300 Rorschach tests.
Not one page was salvageable.
If anything keeps me out of heaven,
it will be the string of obscenities
that I produced that day.
But after the initial horror had subsided,
(a long while after)
I laughed and thought . . .
now that is poetry.
That, as they say, is life
in a nutshell.
Author notes
heismysong,
Thanks for the title suggestion.
Written November 9th, 2005
In a list
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Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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Oh no, this is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone's writings. You seem to have taken such a philosophical "this is life" stand - after the initial obscenities, of course
- and that's pretty courageous. I remember losing my 2006 journal in a Metro train and I still mourn about it. All my observations, feelings about being in France, homesickness, random musings about people were lost...and where? On a stupid train! And to think, I never found it! I hate the Frogs for it. What are they gonna do with a silly girl's journal, anyway? And a journal, written in English at that, which they've never understood, besides random snippets like "'ello", "Eet eez very 'ard to speek Eenglish", "My tailor is rich" etc. etc.
Were you able to reproduce some of the writings out of memory or were they all permanently lost?
By the way, I love the background.
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talk about synchronicity. I came by your page to try--(try again I should mention) to locate your poem "Laundry" of which you had made mention in some poem comments a few weeks back. in my never-ending and futile search I figured I'd click on this post, and what you have described is so much of what I am going through right now, except for the rain.
because of personal circumstances, I've been staying with my Mom in Jersey the past couple of months, all my belongings and poem notebook still at home in Virginia. in my first few weeks here I missed that notebook so very much. it felt like a piece of my life was missing, a core of me that was cut-out.
over the past few weeks I've been trying to recall many of these poems from memory...usually a contest or someone else's poem on AP will remind me that I had written something on a similar theme, and most times the rewrites in my mind feel much better than the original poems from that notebook. it's not missing it quite so much anymore, and maybe someday I'll be able to compare both the old and revised versions, but I know the new writes are a lot stronger than many of those old ones!
thank you for bringing this to mind, Mark...and it is synchronistic in my mind to read this poem of yours to which I could so much relate! I truly loved the read!
Jo
P.S.: If you could pass me a link of your poem "Laundry" I would love it! -
Touching
Thanks for this link Mark..makes my loss very insignificent
My heart goes out to you. Shame this site wont allow transfer to disc...would save a lot of ink 
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My heart goes out to you! I can imagine how this must have broken your heart. You did a brilliant job of describing what happened and the feelings associated with the experience. I applaud you for being able to get over it but I know it must still sting at bit. Thanks for sharing this though. It serves as a caution to the rest of us to be extra guarded with such things. I need to back up my computer files more often. That's where everything of mine is stored.
Peace!
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Yep, I'm afraid so. But I'm over it now. lol
Thanks,
Mark
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Well, this was a good poem. Has this actually happened to you? This poem was pretty good.
Juarez
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I just HATE it when that happens!
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I like it
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oh my Mark , you are a man of virtue indeed. I am not sure if I could have ever accepted this as just a " this is lide" I would be blaming it on the wrath of God for sure but as lencio said , had it not happened many of us would have been deprived of getting to read this tale of your notebook. Great job ( but I have come to expect nothing less from you)
xo
Reenie
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Thank god you accepted it, that, that is life. I am truly sorry though to hear about your notebook, I know how it can be, but then if it hadnt been destroyed, I wouldnt be able to read this ever, THIS IS LIFE, it goes on Mark, it does!
Hope you get over it soon, well you know what you wrote in there and you ahve idea, you will write better I know, get them here soon, I am curious now to know what was in there
Love and light,
Lencio -
OMG! This really happened to you! Wow, I would have been furious too, but its good that you found humor in it in the end, goodness, all those masterpieces never to be read by another... catastrophe
.... Love you Uncle Mark! Now remember all those things you wrote and place them on here! 
... if only you could huh? 
Sara 
P.S Did you get my IM?
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This Mark I am sure applies to nearly every poet on the planet.
we all have our so called note books.Mine sadly is a jumble of scraps of paper tickets receipts cigarette packets. anything that is at hand , to record the first words of my much searched for master piece.If my wife seen a slip of paper with one word on it in my hand writing then it has to be put aside.
I have every word i have ever written concerning poetry stuffed in some draw in the house.I have poems to numerous to mentions started and place away for completion.
Some I am sure would have been good enough to make me poet laureate ( I wish) if only i could understand my scribble.Of well one day some one will come upon them and say this guy must have had a thing about storing scrap paper.
A most enjoyable read, and serves you right for stuffing your face and watching Old movies, when there are more important things to do
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Good idea! Don't wait. You never know when sites are going to crash. Losing poems are like losing photographs. They're both snapshots of life, after all.
Thanks,
Mark
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Sad story, Mark. I'm glad you were able to retrieve most of the thoughts, observations, philosophy, character studies, etc. you had in that notebook. I printed half my poems a few months ago (ran out of ink)..I'll print the other half today thanks to you.
♥ Maureen
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So many people have lost so much in this world, but to lose a mind is to lose it all. I too loved Jimmy Stewart. I have a pic signed by him to me. Great man.
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Quite Good rather!
I rather enjoyed this piece although reading it made my heart break to think of losing all of a life-time's worth of writing and creation and thought, well, if not a life-time, at least several years. I lost my past several years ago when I moved. All destroyed in the rain. All of my family pictures. It was horrible. I really like this. Simple and to the point, very evocative, it "speaks to me" I guess. Good show!
-Yours Truly,
Evan Alexie -
Hi Harper,
Yes, I've plucked most of what was in that book from my memory one at a time over the years. lol I know the horror of losing large projects to a computer glitch. I seem to have opened a can of worms with this poem. I'm receiving many similar horror stories like mine and yours from other writers here. I suppose the three most important words for the modern writer are "back it up". lol
Thanks,
Mark
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aww, that sucks big time. I wouldnt have gotten out of bed for days. But then again, I am too emotional.
I have been trying to print my poems out as I go, because, you know, if you leave it up to AP, they could be gone in moments. Though the site has gotten better and isnt crashing everyday like it was before.
I still would be heartbroken. Writing is the one thing I enjoy doing, if it was all taken in a flash, I would probably stop writing. I'm irrational, what can I say? LOL
oh btw, very well expressed.
with love,
Criss
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That sux to put it mildly. Do you ever try to go back and capture the thoughts that were sodden, to compile them anew?
I did that once, the poem I had written was wonderful and powerful- By fate - the computer shut off and it was lost into the world of giga bytes and matrix's. But- I sat down once more later on, and began to write on the same subject- I could not remember it all, But I know it came out much more powerful and more wonderful than it had been the first time. I loved the imagery put into this write- you also made some very good points throughout- A wonderful piece indeed!- - Harper
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Thanks. I'm glad I posted this because several people have told me stories like yours about losing notebooks, and even entire novels! Yikes. It probably happens to a lot of writers. Sounds like somebody had a great time reading your work. It sucks that they didn't return it to you. Then again, maybe someone cleaning up the fairgrounds just threw it away without thinking. What a bummer, but I'm sure you'll excavate all the best stuff again.
Mark -
LOL I have left one of my note books outside, and forgot about it til the next day, and it had got all wet over night
And then I lost one of my note books at a fair lol
Someone must have found it, and read it all! Most of the stuff were things I'd never let anyone read...LOL Had my name and everything in it...and all my best work LOL
ANyway, this was really good, and I'm sorry about your note book
ttyl
~
~
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I really really love this! It's sad but funny at the same time. Actually it sounds like something that would happen to me. Sorry for your loss, but at least you had that whole enlightening moment afterwards.
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Thanks, Ros.
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Great idea! The title will be changed immediately (if not sooner.) Thanks.
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Snackycakes64,
(I feel a little goofy calling you "Snacky Cakes". haha)
That must have really stunk. I think you should pull up your sleeves and write that book again so that you don't have to spend your entire life regretting it. Though I know it's hard to find the original inspiration and serendipitous magic of creation, it would be much more comforting to know that you at least tried. Just a thought. A lot of the poems I've posted on this site were in that notebook. The ideas have returned to me one at a time. They were written down differently, but not necessarily worse. This time, you'll also know to back yourself up on disc every day, too.
Thanks,
Mark -
I was listening to the radio the other morning on the way to work (-something I rarely do, actually), and heard the U.S. Poet Laureate (-don't know his name!-) say that the two major themes of poetry are death and gratitude.
I think you should entitle this piece, "Death of a Notebook."
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wow very nteresting an di love it its cool and its just totally cool i like it when u said
I went inside
and got lost in happy conversation for two hours
with an old friend.
I didn't notice
that a hard rain had begun to fall outside.
i likr it its just a part if ur life nottin else love it -
JSW,
Thanks. I'm glad to know the moment of sheer horror came through to the reader (when I realized the notebook had been out in the rain for hours). lol
Thanks,
Mark -
Omg- I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to lose something like that. Over a series of two years, I wrote a novel on my computer- 187 pages of a story I had worked on- it was a masterpiece. I put it on a disk and the deleted it off the computer. My sis then emptied the recycle bin. When I tried to open the novel on another computer, it didn't work. I hadn't saved it right. I went upstairs and cried myself for hours and eventually to sleep. Reminds me of that song "In the End" by Linkin Park. I was heartbroken. Just proves that things you own end up owning you.
After that loss, I haven't really been motivated to write a piece over 15 chapters long. I've lost the love. I still love to write, but I keep it short. I still can't get over it... I still miss is...
Whatever- this comment's turning into a novel, itself. Wonderful piece, even if it was a simple story. I can relate, so that's worth an applause. Wonderful. -
Gosh what a waste.The only consolation is that you have a lot more beautiful words and hopefully a lot more time to write, so that we can all enjoy your wisdom, Ros
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Windworder,
Great point. I used to think painful events should mean something, or there should be some reward from God or the universe for pain, but I eventually learned that pain means nothing except for what we make it mean, and it provides no reward other than that which we bestow upon ourselves.
Thanks,
Mark -
avid shamrock,
Help yourself! Thanks for your comments on this. I'm glad you enjoyed my author page, too. Let me know when you're done with your version of the fake picture gag. I'd like to see it.
Mark -
4 stars****
lol i love this especially the ending its a wonderful right and sadly life is that way lol -
thats hott stuff..your a very good writer i like the descriptions of the book and the connection to jimmy stewartand the slammin ending..great job your a funny guy too i love the author page..mind if i steal the fake picture of yourself idea? that really cracked me up
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Rick, this really happened? Wow, I'm sorry man. I'm gonna tell ya, your words are beautiful, your mind is great. You will write another 300 pages I know. God is awsome, and you are blessed, and I wish you all the best! by the way, I added paul to my poem. 1 poem now I will never forget, Thanks brother, G.
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Delightful! Even our most profound thoughts,ideas and plans are but transient. Truly just as this exsistence! I had the same feeling when a virus invaded my computer. Bravo Mark!
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Hehehe, sorry about your loss, really but your attitude to sum up a life's work loss was a classic. If we could all make a poem about our woes maybe life would be better-who knows? Hehehe
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Very good
Wow! You're so right lol Did the rain make any cool designs on the pages? That would be really sweet. -Pasion -
awesome!
oh wow! i loved this! at first i was like "hmm this is really interesting" then in the middle i was so worried and "oh no!" feeling but the end was a big twist! it was so emusing!
that was so awesome that you could write a poem on a scenerio like this one! bravo! keep writing and thanks for sharing. <333
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