When I see you, why is my heart sore?
Your downcast face cuts so deep.
I feel your tears ready to pour
out of my eye
Why? I want you to smile
I want your eyes to twinkle
I try
I am not patient,
I see you dying.
I can hardly stand,
to see your downcast face
everyday won't be wonderful, but
that's no reason for your downcast face
Your soul, rolling;
turning over,
has no way of knowing
that someday soon,
tomorrow will be better
Please, just smile.
your cup is not bone-dry
it holds my tears
just try to see,
for you are their keeper
just smile and see:
we all have hope tomorrow
Author notes
When I see my friends sad their pain is my pain, even more so because I can see the outside, the hope, the future...it hurts.
This goes for Howard, L.B., J.B., Tessa, Nathanial, and amanda, and Brian.
alternat ending:
Please, just smile.
your cup is bone-dry
we all have a drop
at least in our cup
we all have a hope
tomarrow
Just because your cup
feels empty
it may just be
more empty than full
so it's not empty
you're breathing
It's full.
I've done some editing which sounds better the one up there or:
Why when I see you, my heart is sore?
Your down cast face cuts so deep.
I feel your tears ready to pour
out of my eye
Why? I want you to smile
I want your eyes to twinkle
I try
I am not patient,
Your soul, rolling
turning over,
has no way of knowing
that someday soon tomorrow
will be better
I see you dying, I can hardly bare
to see your downcast face
everyday will not be fantastic
or even somewhat tolerable
but just
please please
upcast
your downcast
face
Please, just smile.
your cup is not bone-dry
it holds my tears
just try to see
for you are their keeper
just smile and see
we all have hope tomorrow
FOR THE CONTEST:
"Not Alone"
"Trophy Boyfriend"
"Wish You Hell"
by bloodshedsunset
Written November 7th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Enter Now! by Not-The-Sun.
330 points, ended September 3, 2006, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
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i like the emotion you captured into this piece, you really did well with that. great job and best of luck to you in the contest. <3 *Jordan
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this is really good, and quite an enjoyable read. I really like the presentation and the way you put everything together, descibing well your feelings and emotion. good luck _~ The Shadow ~_
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Beautiful
Very moving and sad work, such empathy for another's sorrow! -
Very special, especially the last stanza.
bloodshedsunset -
I was waiting for the rhyming pattern in the first stanza to continue but it failed to materialize. Also in the first line, you said, "I feel your tears, (note-plural), out of my eye, (note-singular.) Unless the narrator is a cyclops this should read eyes. Reading this aloud the meter fails to materialize thus making this read more like a paragraph than a poem. Regardless, the pain is present.
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I can relate. Nice job.
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o wow.. i like this alot.. i like the first one. it shows a feeling of hope for a better tomorrow. this is really great work here. i love how you showed that no matter how sad you are, tomoroows a different day. i liked the best...
"Your soul, rolling;
turning over,
has no way of knowing
that someday soon,
tomorrow will be better
Please, just smile.
your cup is not bone-dry
it holds my tears
just try to see,
for you are their keeper
just smile and see:
we all have hope tomorrow"
that was beautiful!!! to me it shows taht someone is always there to help you through things. wow this is truly amazing! wonderful work!!!!!
-fade -
wow i really love this i think its because i can identifie with it in a way we all feel each others pain.
the imagerie is fantastic and the line:
I feel your tears ready to pour
out of my eye
is so amazing and powerful and really makes you stop and like go woah and re-read it!
congratulations on a fantastic poem welldone i really love it -
I think that the ending and the imagery are better in the poem as it stands rather than the alternative ending, which lacks punch. vic
Edited on Nov 24, 5:29 p.m. because ''. -
loving it loving it loving it
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very good poem. emotional and thought provoking. good work
keep writing my friend it could definatly take you places.
Edited on Nov 23, 3:49 p.m. because ''. -
This poem contains a hidden gem. It is a senryu:
your cup
is not bone-dry
it holds my tears
beautiful.....
I must honestly say.. those 3 lines (well you had in in 2 lines.. but its all the same) say everything else this poem tries to say, simply and directly without wasting a word.
I would say.. every other line in this poem is superfluous, but I cant because the author requested no critical comment.
Please.... make that into a Senryu...!
(I can't do it myself.. copyright law being what it is and all.) -
great piece I feel hte posted version was the best. brilliant analogies I must say this piece flows brilliantly the last stanza (the posted one) is the best in this piece I believe.
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very awesum
awesome intro to such a strong poem -
Your heart is on show and it writes beautiful poetry for more than just your friends to see .
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I kept expecting this to rhyme religiously, and was a little dumbfounded when it didn't. I suppose I just expect rhyme from this site more and more. At any rate, a beautiful message you are sending to your friends here with this poem, and I appreciate that you take the time to show you care.
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this is a nice write but i cant help but notice that you keep coming back to the downcast face is there something that i dont see here or is it just the way that its writen cause i think that im missing something here my sis seems to think that its just the dying of the soul but i dont think so ne ways could you clear that up please and like i said before nice write
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This describes me and my friends because i don't like to see them sad at all
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great
this is a very nice poem. it reminds me of a boy ... more of an aquaintence than a friend really, but all amd the same... i like the was this is written. it kind of rhymes but it doesn't which it cool. i enjoyed it very much. very nice. -
This is a very sad poem but shows how much you feel for your friends! I think it is really good imagery - using them as the holder of your tears (tears you cried becuase they were sad!)... I know how you feel, i feel sad if people around me - especially my friends - are sad!
Good penning
Jess
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Heyy I love this! You really convey how you feel for your friends, their pain is your pain... it shows how much you care. I especially love the last verse
Please, just smile.
your cup is not bone-dry
it holds my tears
just try to see,
for you are their keeper
just smile and see:
we all have hope tomorrow
Beautiful. It shows great hope, and optimism. Love it! -
Great!!
Hey!! I love this peice!! It's great!! -
Wow, I know how you feel..
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i think the form it self is good i like the meaning behind it its meaning ful
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such empathy and compassion, a friend who truly cares, unselfishly...this is so heartfelt and sincere, bravo to such a beautiful person who wrote this....bright blessings, bekah
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grrreeat
wow. this was really good! sorry it has taken me so long to read your peoms! internet still hates me... *glares at it* I really loved your last verse: Please, just smile.
your cup is not bone-dry
it holds my tears
just try to see,
for you are their keeper
just smile and see:
we all have hope tomorrow
I just really loved it, it spoke the most to me. I have to go, but I can't wait to read more of your works!
-lou -
thanks for the two word comment...lol
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nice write
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It is very touchy write and very heartfelt too bringing the essence of the most important sentiment of this creation is the love and only love nothing else except love and love. The words of this write are working like the keys of locks of the love to unlock them one by one through the melody of the poetry. The beauty of the write is very musical.This music belongs to the strings of the hearts of the lovers. The flow of the write is very impressive and just to the point too. I really appreciate this work.prabhudayal khattar
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i really like the poem and it's imagery
-Brian -
thank you...I'm afraid if I change it, it will lose meaning...like Micheal Jacksons nose...lol
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Your grammar is not very good in some places. Basic grammar rules apply to all written works, whether they happen to be poetry or prose. While capitalization and punctuation may not be important, it is easier to convey your thoughts completely in comprehensible statements. Other than that, very good!
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awesome write
this was a sweet write. i love the title as well wonderful job. thank you for sharing your words with me. -
Thank you...do you think that it flows well, and do you like the edits I made in the authors comment? jw
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very well written
This is very beautiful and heartfelt. You express your caring emotions for your friends sadness very well. You have tried to reach out and show them there is always hope.
etherealforu
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This is very well done! I especially like the creativity of "I feel your tears ready to pour out of my eye", and "Your soul, rolling turning over", and "your cup is not bone-dry
it holds my tears."
Keep up the good work!
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I worded it like that on purpose...you know...poetry is not pros...there is no grammer rights or wrongs...it just is...thoughts...thanks for the comment though...
Edited on Nov 08, 2:39 p.m. because ''. -
"Why when I see you my heart is sore? "
That...isn't good grammar. <_<
But other than that, the poem was lovely!
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thank you! Applause is very appriciated!
and I really like your comment, you spent time to actually read it, thanks. -
great write inspite of this keep it up
intresting..i love it princess.. a very inttresting poem of someone you know or in this case,... your friends pain hits you hard. I felt the emotions and the pain.. especially the last stanza i noticed... that was cool... great write.. princess -
this is a really emotive piece, it flows well and i think i like the original ending better than the alternate one, it just seems to flow better. Both are very well written though. Nice job keep up the good work.
Nat -
i really like this you know how to explain yourself in your wrighting maybe i can learn some stuff from u
~Genna~
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great
i like this piece alot... it made me think of the time i was in the middle of making love to my ex-wife, who was my wife at the time, and i realized then and there that i no longer felt any love for her. of course, then was not the time to tell her that, but the next morning we had a chat, and she was terribly angry with my 'immaturity' and 'unability to face the facts' and that 'she was the one putting up with me all along'. i still to this day do not know what happened to her. i dont even know if were legally divorced, but i still call her my ex because she left and took all my stuff. great poem. -
Neato!
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A very nice poem your friends pain hits you hard I know that all to well wonderful job on this poem it says a lot about you and it has a good flow to it thanks for reading one of my poems that means a loot to me lots of love Robin...aka SH
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Wonderful Pennig! thankf for allowing the read of such personal piece. the sadness jsut pours out fro mthe page, the background states hurting. Your title speaking loudly. Well written and sad
blessings
ICUlookn -
Thanks. If you see anything else that I need to look at say so. I asked for critisim. and thank you again. Sometimes I do though use punctuation and grammer to convay a point. But that's not the case here.
Edited on Nov 07, 4:02 p.m. because ''. -
Wondering why one verse has no capital, while the other do? Like the contents, but proper spelling, grammar and punctuation always grab me first.
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Thank you!!!
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I Love It
“WOW” this is great , I love it, well written, I can feel the pain in
Your poem, and the emotion, and then the alternate ending
I don’t think I have seen that before.
You have a lot of talent.
Kisses; Sue
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