Act confident to become confident
And she struts and fucks and laughs
With her hands trembling on her hips
and leaves
the memory that's hard to call
but silver has preserved her white teeth
and solid shadow-blacked pupils,
has quelled her open dimensionality and
Behind it all lingers the tracings of terror
Foldered, there is a map of silent focus;
No intervals, and no acting.
Author notes
This poem IS bad, but I think it may have a little potential. I'd be grateful If you'd help me realise it!
Written March 5th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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this is great. a pleasure on the eyes and mind.
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perhaps
confidence begets confidence
as an opening line- ? I like the voice of this very much. I feel as though you could tighten it a bit- but that you have a very nice read here. -
I know I read and commented on this last week - but I like it even more today. There is definitely some depth to this write, the feeling of the confident, don't give a damn social mask and the sadness underneath it.
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a brilliant write, great flow good descriptives, quite a hard hitting poem with a darkness around it, the swearing init is not needed though, you've used such other good words that in my humble opinion makes it loose it's clarity lol abigailxx
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Very good! I loved both the alliterations and the assonances/consonaces too...
Edited on Nov 05, 11:48 because ''. -
Maybe take out "Her" from the begining of line 2 in stanza 2 as a start... But please don't change the last 2 lines.
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Fine work
I think the potential is that is has some unique depth into it. I don't think it should be increased or expanded, and why do you think it's so bad? -
The opening stanza is really wonderful - I've read this a couple of times and it could be edited to add and increase it's intensity - but then again, as it is it reads like abstract art.
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this was beautiful. great poem!
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