The more we learn, the less we know
Broken by the in-betweens
It was a shame they suffered so
How fast we live, to die this slow
Does the end justify the means?
The more we learn, the less we know
If this is high, we're safer low
War, religion, what chilling scenes
It was a shame they suffered so
You took their legs, and then said "grow"
Crippled their minds before they're teens
The more we learn, the less we know
You don't distinguish 'tween friend or foe
All fall victim to your currencies
It was a shame they suffered so
I love my children; I won't let them go
Die for your greed on TV screens
The more we learn, the less we know
It was a shame they suffered so
Author notes
End the war
Live by example
Love your neighbors
Let life be ample.
Written November 4th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- 1,000 pts - Subject: Society by SeptemberFaith.
1000 points, ended December 27, 2005, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
You're an asshole Horus. A true blue American asshole. A disgrace to anyone who knows what loyalty really means.
-
I've been searching for an hour for any sort of flow in a poem, you're the first I've found. Not a style I'm used to but very well done. A lot of poignant lines that say just the right thing.
-
Simple but striking. A good, straightforward poem, with a solid straightforward message. Good write.
-
Since I was not familiar with this particular form of poetry, I looked it up. Based on the definition, I would say that it doesnt fall into the most dreaded of all poetic expression--song lyrics--. It is most definately a Villanelle. The form itself is conducive to musical tone.
You have expressed simple and direct message that is not only pleasant to the ear, it rings the sound of realism and can be easily grasped by the reader.
Well done.
Villanelle
A Villanelle is a nineteen-line poem consisting of a very specific rhyming scheme:
aba aba aba aba aba abaa.
The first and the third lines in the first stanza are repeated in alternating order throughout the
poem, and appear together in the last couplet (last two lines).
-
I don't think I've ever chanced across classical form poetry by you before .. which is a shame, really, because this is simply amazing. You've quite artfully maneuvered around the typical failings of the villanelle form! Most attempts at this style are trite, with boring, sing-songy rhymes .. but this one is refreshingly original, which is no less than what I'd expect from The Great Horus8!
-
Ironical:
1. Characterized by or constituting irony.
2. Given to the use of irony. See Synonyms at sarcastic.
3. Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended.
It is ironic that a wordsmith such as yourself didn't know that ironical was a word. When you grow up you'll learn lots of new words. -
Okay, I read this and I am impressed. I have not had success myself in writing Villanelles. I get lost in trying to stick to form and lose what it is I am trying to say. Obviously you were impeccable in form, and the message you were putting across stayed strong throughout the entire piece.
For those of you that have commented here not knowing what a Villanelle is, look it up! Or use a little common sense and reread this piece and look for the form that comes through. Meaning the repeating of specific lines in specific places and rhyming format. If you still can't figure it out, read Dylan Thomas's "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night"
Great Job Jeremi! You are a very accomplished writer, though I suspect you are aware of that.
Anna
Edited on Nov 04, 3:07 p.m. because ''. -
I don't think you know what the difference is between a villanelle and a lyric,
but maybe one day, when you're all grown up, I'll tell you. -
Comment removed due to author's inability to handle critique as an adult.
Edited on Nov 28, 12:13 because ''. -
very well written
I like your message in your poem. I agree with you whole heartedly. This is a very powerful message that more of us should be listening to.
etherealforu
-
it is always great to see a brilliant poet being featured (it is even better when they are on your favourite list). THere are a lot of thoughts here, and a do see the lyrical aspect that Edna Sweetlove is talking about, but i disagree with it not being that good a poem, because i think that lyrics are a structured for of poetry (of the highest order), great write
-
As a poem, it's not so hot. However, as potential lyrics for a slightly offbeat song, maybe folky, sub-Joan Baez, then it's rather good. Maybe a bit too ironical for many of your fellow countrymen.
-
And this is why Canada is only an hours drive away from me. Nice work, you've conveyed your thoughts all in worthy prose. My only tiff is the line " I love my children, and I won't let them go " seems a bit obvious to me, but don't compromise it for me, I don't have children.
-
I like it when people turn common sense into art.
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
8 old applause
