Small men in dark suited shoulders
keep disinterested watch over lost masses
struggling to see light
in a gray gray world.
If not for the charcoal blackness
of burnt coffee circles against
bleached Formica,
the world would be devoid entirely
of color.
The once-vibrant hues of life,
harvested by earlier generations,
lie in greasy piles of oozing retch.
And dreams spent, no longer spill
from broken bottles that litter the roadside.
Here, poets and storytellers gather
in a dusty yellowed room.
Loose scraps of wrinkled paper
share tenuous grasp of thin fingers
with burnt out cigarettes pulled to life by dry lips.
Smoke joins smoke as gray cover,
softening the mumbled crowd,
as each walks briefly to the light
and stands naked before the room,
with nothing left
but paper and words
and the encrusted dry ink of a lifetime past.
Author notes
Written November 2nd, 2005
A contest entry
- The Coffee Anthology (Contest) by ea.
500 points, ended June 16, 2006, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Thanks for letting me consider this for the anthology but I think I prefer your other two pieces, definitely the Blue Mug. All the best.
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Hahaha! Thanks so much for pointing that out. It wasn't a question of yank or brit english, but just plain wrong. I fixed it though a la Porky-Pig-style substitution. It is now what it should have been from the outset... scraps
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This is amazing! The metaphors and imagery are so intense all the way through the poem. Eloquently written. I did notice one thing though [Sorry to point it out but i am so picky
]
"Loose sheafs of wrinkled paper"
"sheafs" should be "sheaves" as that is the correct plural form of the word "sheaf". Or at least it is in England, i get confused with american and english differences with language
Anyway, this really is an amazing piece.
Thank you for entering, and keep writing
x
faeriedust-
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Ya... java is snobby. Coffee, and especially burnt coffee or coffee that is otherwise strong enough to use as paint remover, is far more real. Hmmm... lethargic is kinda okay, apathetic is actually ideal in terms of meaning, but really none of them work because they're all too fucking LONG! I'll keep noodling it... no telling where it'll end up.
and phlegmatic?? Hang on whilst I unearth a dictionary...
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I think the problem I'm having with that word is that it so long, syllabically speaking, and though I normally only point out syllable count in rhyme, it also effects the flow of free verse. I would suggest, simply, a short word such as, possibly, lethargic or phlegmatic (which I personally love lol) or even apathetic. They all have the same meaning, generally speaking, and the strong "c" sounds might add a bit of spice to the line without dominating it.
And yes, the changes you've made are tangible. The burnt coffee line is probably my favorite. There just seems to be something more "real" about coffee than java, if that makes any sense at all. I'd feel like a snob reading about java, lol, but coffee makes me feel like I need to smoke a cigarette and write beat poetry all day.
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Would appreciate you taking another look as I've made some changes...
Edited on Feb 09, 8:30 because 'they weren't THAT significant...'. -
Okay, I'm working this,but having difficulty with some of it... Help me out here (if you don't mind):
Small men in dark suited shoulders
keep disinterested watch over lost masses
struggling to see some light
in a gray gray world.
Loved the opening line. I think "disinterested" seems a bit wordy to follow it, and the simple imagery in the first line seems it would best be suited by something softer. I'd suggest removing "some". That's one of those words I feel are unnecessary "filler" words. The repetition of "gray"... me like
I'm with you on the removal of "some. That's the kind of padding I'm forever guilty of stuffing into my works, that I later try to trim out, but don't always see. It's "disinterested" that I'm struggling with...
Yes, it's a big word jammed into a stanza of small words, but I feel the need to accomplish something here that the word "disinterested" achieves, even if it's like the illegitimate child of the verse.
Here's the thing, in the performing arts, whether poetry, music, theater or other, there are basically two kinds of people out there, there are the performers, and then there are the managers/producers/promoters - my small men. These men are a paradox in that they have this huge financial interest in the success of the performer, but at the same time, often have absolutely no interest in or understanding of the performance itself. These are people who see dollar signs IN art, but never really appreciate the art for being art. In my mind, I have an image of these people, always kind of hanging around in the room, usually no more than one or two arms length from where the money gets collected, keeping a keen eye on the till, but otherwise disinterested in the proceedings... So that's the story and the image, I welcome any ideas for how to pull disinterested out of it's sore thumb slot yet still achieve disinterest
Edited on Feb 09, 12:52 because 'ehh'. -
Wow!
Is there some kind of award for giving REAL critiques? Thanks for doing to this poem what I have tried to do several times already and failed at. I'm lolling a little at your self-declared over-adjectivity (?) as I tend to go heavy in that department too, and even when I go back into a piece with the shears, I still always seem to end up smothered in adjectives. Thanks for taking the time on this! -
Okay, now that I've told you to enter, and promised critical comments to all, let's see what I have to offer. Feel free to disregard everything I say... my husband has no problem doing that
Small men in dark suited shoulders
keep disinterested watch over lost masses
struggling to see some light
in a gray gray world.
Loved the opening line. I think "disinterested" seems a bit wordy to follow it, and the simple imagery in the first line seems it would best be suited by something softer. I'd suggest removing "some". That's one of those words I feel are unnecessary "filler" words. The repetition of "gray"... me like
If not for the charcoal blackness
of this steaming cup of java
the world would be devoid entirely
of color.
"steaming cup of java" seemed to... what's the word I'm looking for... conversational, I guess. I was hoping for some more imagery to follow up the charcoal reference. But I liked the last two lines of a sum-up of the stanza.
The once-vibrant hues of life,
harvested by earlier generations,
lie spent in greasy piles of oozing retch,
discarded behind roadside diners,
and dressed in the endless litter
of broken bottles and aluminum fliptops.
Can't go wrong using "greasy" and "oozing" together in a poem. Or better yet... "retch"! lol. You've pretty much won me over with tha tline. The last three lines of the stanza, although incorporating imagery through the use of adjectives, still seems more telling vs. showing.
Here, poets and storytellers gather
in a dusty yellowed room.
Loose sheafs of wrinkled paper
share tenuous grasp of trembling thin fingers
with burnt out cigarettes pulled to life by dry lips.
This paints the image very nicely. "trembling thin" over did it for me, but only mildly slow. I have this habit of using too many adjectives in my poetry, lol, so I always recognize it in others. Although, I DID enjoy the alliteration that line had to offer.
Smoke joins smoke as gray cover,
blanketing the mumbled crowd,
as each walks briefly to the light
and stands naked before the room,
Loved the first and last lines here.
with nothing left
but paper and words
and the dusty dry ink of a lifetime past.
Subtle, soft, yet still very socially obvious, if that makes any sense at all. lol. So yep, this is still one of my favorites by you
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Ya ya ya, I read about being on your favorites, but was very curious to see what you would pick given the choice to do so yourself
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Yep. I want this one in my contest. lol. Enter it, and I'll critique it before the contest is judged. Besides, you're on my favorites list... didn't you read the little disclaimer that said anyone on my favorites list could enter whatever they wanted, and if I had already commented on it, I would? At any rate, this is the one I want. lol. Of the twenty or so that I've looked through thus far, this is definitely my favorite.
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its really smokey in here....
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on the money
I am so pleased with this piece..it is vibrant and resigned at the same time, a very hard thing to do, make those 2 emotions speak louldly..I applaud you, I can hear this one rea outloud in a smokey old cafe where the "beat" generation hangs out in wistful bandonment
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