the time was young as were the people
we lived in a place where time,
was always young
trees swayed with hanging moss, with fog
it was peace, and peace was everywhere
days passed slowly
and never passed at all
the trees never seemed to change
when water
dripped off the leaves
when the leaves fell golden to the ground,
and the times
never seemed
to change
And one morning all was red
heat rose from the leaves
then burst into flame.
silent smiles rose
to screams.
and tiny voices cried
for familly,
for brothers,
for the heroes
all laying on the ground.
red and red mixed
and the roar of the forest
became
the roar of pain
the trees, red and black, a sunset of death
fell crashing down for none
to witness
but the gods
then they came,
pirates of dull-colored clothing,
that was enflamed with pride and glory.
oh what glory!
raining branches and raining blades
night arrows
of the night.
And fall the children, the innocent
the old, the young.
And fall the forest
every flaming blade
of grass
and leaf
and elfin soul.
And fall the hope of life
And fall the children's heart
And flail the gleaming knife
for up from it will arise
nothing.
Author notes
Caltaure is a creation of mine, a golden and silver wood in a world called Erea (aka Ebyn). People have criticized this poem for it's lack of punctuation, but if you read each line like it's the end of a sentance (how it's supposed to be read) then it doesn't matter all that much. A period would signify a dramatic pause. Speaking of dramatic, it gets dramatic near the end, doesn't it? Anyhow, Caltaure was burnt to the ground, and all his people killed.
Comments are appreciated! This is allpoetry for christ's sake! A place to comment, maybe?
-Arias' Son
For the Contest: This is choice four (I think), a poem about my world.
Written November 2nd, 2005
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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They may have been right about the punctuation thing. ^_^''
Firstly, very creative. There's a definite ethereal feeling to the poem and the word choice. The thing is it reads...awkwardly, and part of this is due to punctuation. I like how you tried something new (the whole "each line as an end to a sentence"), but I'm not really convinced that it worked. A period can mean a dramatic pause, but it also can mean the end of a thought, and without that here everything just blurs together and it gets to be a little too much.
I'm not saying put a period after every official sentence, but after a few lines there should be one. It makes the poem more dramatic, it can bring attention to a particular part, it breaks up the poem to make it easier to read for the reader, and it makes the poem a little more professional with a unique flare to the punctuation style.
I do give you points for trying something new, but I think this might be a little too dramatic of something to work. -
Okay, first off, haven't read the poem yet! (I don't read them until the end so I can judge more fairly). Secondly, I don't know what option you're going for! Either respond to this or PM me! And yes, I promise a good and long review at the end of the contest.
Good luck! -
This is an awesome piece! It is really dramatic and really sad.
and tiny voices cried
for familly,
for brothers,
for the heroes
That was my favorit part. Thanx for entering and good luck -
youre right it does get dramatic!!!actually i think that stanza is the most effective, but i do like the depth of description.
thanks for entering
good luck!
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beautiful.
This is fantastic. I stumbled on your site by mere accident, I guess, but I'm glad that I did. I love the way there's a formula to this poem but it's not as cookie-cutter formed as many are. Also, I have to point this out: On the line "And one morning all was red", I just got so pleased. Because it has that dual sound; it would be appropriate as morning and as mourning. Just fitting. I love little sound devices like that, whether accidental or intentional, I use that to judge a poet's worth. Maybe it's 'cos I'm just a little offbeat upstairs, but you know, who's it really hurting. Anyways, before I make this comment completely useless - I love your poetry. I have definitely developed a desire to read more. -
Unfortunately, most of them aren't as good as this one may be, but thank you for reading it!
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excellent
i respect you greatly. i have not read your work before, i do not think so, at least. but this one, first introduction to you writing is very good. i lived in OR for at least eight years. that was, naturally, before i joined this site. i regret we could not have met. granted i am significantly older than you but we have specific similarities. i, too, started writing, both verse and prose, when i was young. i admired the formulaic styles of classical verse until it seemed to me untenable in a modern context. i certainly hope that you continue to write works like this despite any foul remarks. clearly, you have a gift. do not supplicate yourself to the ignorant. study, proliferate and modify. i think i will add you to my favorites. good work. -
loved your imagery in this poem esp. 'a sunset of death'. its brilliantly written.a silver forest- i love that image! very mystical!
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This poem was one of the best I've ever read by you. I loved it! It was realllllly good. The metaphoric usage in this was used with a bit of magick it would seem. It was awesome. Really, it was. I love the fantasy and realism used in this. Email me some time, I miss hearing from you.
-H.
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