With sadness I see you cry,
Silent tears stream from your eye.
I want to help, I want to say,
Everything will work out some day.
But sadly I shall never see,
What could have been a you and me.
Time and fear have taught me well,
Into dark places I have fell.
I try to stand upon my feet,
But the irony is so sweet.
Only void, nowhere to stand,
Grasping out with one hand.
I fall and weep into abyss,
And you are all I'll ever miss.
Stay strong, do not despair,
For our love will always be there.
So wipe away your grieving tears,
And cast aside your former fears.
I'll stay near, keeping you from harm,
Always supported by a strong arm.
Author notes
I am sooo tired. 11:33 pm now. Must sleep...
Written November 1st, 2005
A contest entry
- Prewrites that dont suck. by parachute fog.
400 points, ended October 20, 2007, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This is so sweet Nick.
I really like how it flows and rhymes. Perfect.
You live with so much emotional pain, it makes me sad.
.
I hope you feel a little better when you come out here.
Love you buddy -
this is beautiful
i love it
and well it kinda makes me sad yet happy, like it's so sweet how you seem to care, and yet so sad of how you suffer
i guess it's my irony i seem to be served with pain only because i care, and now i'm tired of caring and want to die over...sigh, i guess i'm very stupid and foolish
but amazing write
i loved it
stephanie -
Hmm .. this had a great flow. In some places, you were missing a syllable or two ... like here:
"Grasping out with one hand."
you need one more syllable to flow with the rest ... like maybe ... 'grasping out with just one hand'
also this:
"Stay strong, do not despair,"
you need two syllables there ... what to add? only you would know. A famous one coming from me would to add 'my love'
But overall, this is done well. For the changes ... well, you could accept or not - doesn´t really matter. But give it a thought and read it out loud for yourself.
Thank you for entering and all the best in the contest
NeveR ♥
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It's all in how you read it. You have to pause a syllable after out "Grasping out (pause) with one hand."
Where I put the comma was meant for a longer pause. "Stay strong, (super pause) do not despair." The longer pause is there because I wanted this part read slower, showing more care, more emotion.
Sorry you don't like the set-up of those parts, but I don't change a piece after I've gotten it where I want it. Thanks love.
-Nick
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ahh .. so it´s the sexy guy called Nick. The poem was good, by the way. The pause might work but maybe if u used a dash? (-) ... as I mentioned, all upto you.
Its good if you leave it. It´s good if you change
haha, love.... makes me feel good
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This is a very beautiful poem you have here. I can feel the characters in the piece and I can sympathize with them too. Great job
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this poem is amazing. you have great talent and i think that you have a very good way of expressing yourself through your poetry. heartache sucks and loving someone who doesnt love you back sucks even more. I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing poet and i think that you should continue to write. great job.
always,
chantelle -
i love it
i love this poem it is my favorite, its seems so "real" to me and its speaks to me. its awesome. nice job -
Awww, Nick..I like this poem. Who'd you write it for? I'm so glad you're writing again!
Love ya!
~*Trena*~ -
That is very sweet. It is good that you won't leave them alone. Good write.
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Very Good!
Aww, that poem is sad, but sweet all in the same. Very well written! Good Write!
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