Oh, silent, serene night,
How thou doest deceive!
Know not, these mortal inhabitants,
What lurks beyond thine veil of solitude!
The light thou doest claim,
Is not thine own!
But a radiant slave,
With its shackles shown!
Obscured behind translucent clouds,
Thou casts light in haphazard arrays.
Shadows befall their sacred ground,
Yet, they see'st not, thine cunning ways!
They abide not, as the trees bid warning,
Nor doth decay waft upon their nose.
Seeking in desperation thine distorted truth,
For only thine reflection glows.
The golden fields wave them away,
And the owls call out a warning.
Yet, mindless, they linger in the still of thine light,
And soon, they themselves, are mourning.
They mourn for the loss of their departed souls,
Seized by the charms of thine fastidious light.
Ne'er again will'st they merge in the whole,
Yet their voices in the wind are whispered this night!
Author notes
I wrote this specifically for the contest, but didnt know how to enter it into the contest without first posting it:/
So, it appears as a pre-write, although it really isnt.
Written November 1st, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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very sad indeed but will written
Roses to you,
Teresa -
good
It's a pleasure to read a modern poem written in the language of the old romantic poetry, and I must say, you have done it rather well, although I must confess, I had to read this particular verse twice:
"Know not, these mortal inhabitants,
What lurks beyond thine veil of solitude!"
The use of the word "what" seemed like a grammatical error at first, and then I understood. It was the use of "these mortal"
Would changing the first line thus:-
"Know they not, these mortal inhabitants,
What lurks beyond thine veil of solitude?"
Maybe I've misinterpreted this verse altogether - I'm not sure.
Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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A brilliantly written piece; bringing older distinguished language into such a vivid write. Amazingly detailed imagery flows from every line. I really enjoyed the read, quite lovely! I wish you all the best of luck in the contest!!!
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Very nice poem. You did a marvelous job writing this. The flow is great and the old english that you used makes this poem unique. Very good. And Good luck in the contest
Peace
Lust -
Thank you, Dee
Ill check out the poem...but writing seems to come to me when it wills! If something taunts me as I read, Ill be sure to throw a stanza or two Round Robin's way
I always appreciate your comments Thanks for stopping by!
~LightAngel~
Tiffany -
Fantastic...fer reel
Oh my goodness. This is absolutely riveting... Check in on the Kindred Spirits page, there is a round robin started by one of us, about a unicorn...perhaps you'd like to add to it. Also LS and I are writing a poem...but we haven't posted it yet on the round robin for everyone to join in on... I can't wait till we do. I love this poem... I write whatever comes out of my fingers... whispers help me and guide me, and I write and write and write. Dee
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Thank you, ordinary days, for your understanding of my "original write" noobish ways! I've entered prewrites before, but have never entered a new piece. I normally write from experience and this is only my second piece where I try to step back and write outside of me! I appreciate your comments and will be stopping by your site to return the favor!
~LightAngel~ -
Thank you Vorondwen, for taking the time to read my work I appreciate all comments received!
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Leechy, I believe that poetic meaning is determined by the reader, so take from it what you will! (Even if that means absolutely nothing )
As I wrote this, I was using night as a symbol of darkness and evil (not too original in theory,
) and light as a symbol of truth. The moon belongs to the night and darkness as its light is not true, but rather a distorted reflection of the true light. People are often sucked into the darkness (evil) before they have a chance to comprehend what's going on...and by the time they do understand the consequences, they have often lost themselves in life's shadows.
Edited on Nov 02, 7:45 p.m. because ''. -
Fabulous write! I really enjoyed reading this piece. Good luck in the contest.
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What is this about?
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I did that the first time I entered a contest.. I think the archaic language is effective in this poem.. talking about night and other timeless subjects, the older language enhances a feeling of history.
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Good
I liked the formal older English you used; however, in the latter half you fell back back to "you" and "your" rather than "thou" and "thy." So if you edit that, the language use is more consistent.
And I like the poem, with its warning and such, but perhaps being more explicit with the threat (or perhaps implying it differently) could improve it. Also, perhaps a slightly more dynamic ending than the last line, which is a bit static.
But a good piece, particularly for a new write.
As to entering a contest with a new write, just click the "Enter This Contest" Button, and the form for submitting a new poem will appear. Just complete it the same as you would any other.
Two Feet Under. -
I was apprehensive at first toward your use of older english, but by the end, I was thoroughly enjoying it. You presented darkness in a very beautiful way that I haven't read before. The subject may be overdone by those (including myself) who have trouble adequately portraying it, but in that respect your words were very refreshing, I think.
I thought I saw a spelling error or two you might want to check for, but other than that, a brilliant piece indeed.
-Carolyn
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