Fireplace
Laid a rose vase
Marred from the bottom up
Staged these colorless flowers of
Anemic form crushed under red lighting
Past on snapshot photo lucid
Chemical in kindling
In photo rooms
Hearth
Elapsed
By dogs peeing
Over a fit anger
A lonely swan in front of pale
Chipped wall fell upon mute flowers open
A clitoral stench in hipbone
Vase in sinuous form
Sought the beauty
Base seen
Captured
vascular shape
In optical view seen
Draped a implement an aroma smell
Upon fireplace black moreover,
White tape on porous lamp stood alone
Naked in a dead winter
Now memory
Teasing
In tombs
From camera's
Socket in stories watched
Behind the narrator planted
Snapshot photo's silence remembrance past
Story told, once in its truest
Form saw from the viewer
Cameras Lens
Mute grave
Author notes
Written October 28th, 2005
This is in rictameter form even though I had gotten alot of flak from this poem. Be opened minded. Please
In a list
A contest entry
- Round 1 of 5 : Your Best Piece by Kei-Aira.
300 points, ended September 30, 2006, 73 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Any Poems by justin benecke.
375 points, ended March 29, 2007, 5 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my forms by leander.
400 points, ended December 14, 2007, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITTEN POEMS!!!!! by kavi22.
450 points, ended August 5, 2008, 137 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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Ooh, a string of rictameter
I think you've done a pretty good job with this one, and I also like the way you typed this one down
Thanks for this entry as well!
Leander -
'by dogs peeing', why am I still laughing over that line? I tried to be serious the rest of the poem but it's one of those things like when you keep laughing during a moment of silence or something. You ever get so down, everything that's only slightly amusing becomes hilarious you want to laugh so bad? Man, I'm sorry. I'm bringing my personal life in my comments. It really was an awesome write.
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Thank u
Thank u for the gracious comments and judging harshly for my grammer even though my grammer bit shaken. Haley27
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This was a wonderful piece and my pleasure to read this morning! I love the shape of this piece as well! Keep up the good work poet!
~Tia
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a wonderful poem. i like your stanzas.
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Totally bizarre. Some very freaky images indeed, oh yes, specially the dog who pees. Barty thinks you should check some grammar! e.g. Form "seen" near end......... Me very puzzled person.
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Thanks
Thanks for commenting and critiquing my poem. You can be brutally honest. My son's poem. Taking photography lab and trying to capture the implements of the picture's form. Haley27
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This is very good even though you have placed it in my grandson Justin's contest who is only 9
angelica -
Having just checked your profile, I believe that you are using multiple names to enter my contest and get around the rules. This is not funny, it is not fair to the other entrants and so I will be disqualifying you from the contest. You didn't just ignore the rules, you deliberately cheated, and that is a personal hate of mine.
The following user-names were used by yourself to try and cheat in this contest :
allpoetry.com/saddie23
allpoetry.com/haley27
allpoetry.com/kendhal22
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Thank you for your critique and will try to learn from it. Haley27
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Thank you for having this contest. Haley27
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thanks for entering my contest!
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Thank you for the gracious comment and glad you liked my poem. Haley27
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good job
this is really good. i liked the wording used. it gave off emotion. good job and good luck in the contest!
~helplesslylost~ -
Thank you for the niciest comment and liking my poem. Haley27
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i like this pome
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Thank you for appreciating my poem. Haley27
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I really liked this one. The metaphors were well used, giving not just a good picture, but smells and feelings. I will comment again around the end of the contest.
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Thank you for enjoying my poem and giving me praises. Haley27
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An amazing entry
thank you tonz!
KAt* -
I'm really glad that someone looked at poem in different light. Thank you for the gracious comments. Haley27
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I like the idea of a vase having a hipbone
I don't think I will look at a vase in quite the same way again 
I like he wavey lines they seem to flow along the border perfectly... possibly by acident but it still makes a nice contrast to the poem.
Lovely work.
s and best wishes... ~genie~
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Thank for your gracious comments and if you know I can make this better I'm more willing to take your advice. Haley27
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I am not sure how I feel about this piece - I really enjoy some of your phrasing but I almost feel like I stumble through it. I do like the overall look of the piece, the curving lines add a flair while visually drawing you in. Interestingly done.
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Thank you. Haley27
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Its ok. It looks much better now.
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I appoligize for the rudeness and will try refrace at the beginning. Thank you for your help. Haley27
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The simple definition is: relating to, or containing blood vessels. Even if it meant curved in and out, it still wouldn't make sense placed at the end of the sentence. I like the form, didn't realize it was rictameter.
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Its all in rictameter form and explains the poem in detail. If I remember doesn't vascular mean curved in and out. Haley27
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"A lonely swan in front of pale,"
Pale what? That image seems incomplete as you did not tell us what the swan was in front of that was pale.
Also how can the vase be sinuous? Perhaps it was just me in that I failed to see the image clearly.
This line also fails to get the image across clearly: "Draped a aroma smell in vascular," vascular what?
Also you need "an aroma smell." I read it and the other lines I mentioned and think you are going to tell us what is pale or vascular in the following lines but you do not and that is where the confusion set in.
Other than that, you have a lot of really off the wall, interesting and fabulous images and word play that made this an enjoyable read. I was intrigued by your images here and would love to see this worked on. It isn't far from being superb.
Thanks for entering my contest.
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Its about looking through the eyes of a camera and what do you see, hear, and smell being in the snapshot. I still have lot to work to make right. If you have sujestions I'm more happy to take your advice. Haley27
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IN the first stanza, the dizzying effect rouses even the dead. The second stanza is so intense and bothering, ‘as seen through optical view from the ceiling’ I think is redundant since optical, suggests the eye, and the eyes see it already. The lines in the third stanza, I guess was done in Frankensteinian fashion, that the knitting is not smooth and would need ‘anniversary memories’ to really crack the poem.
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Its about reflecting on anniversaries on how you treasure the things the most or stop and ponder what caught your eye in the morning when you first arrive. And only your swept into black and white photos of past. Haley27
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Hmm... Im not quite sure what to make of this poem. It was good and you used the words she inquired.. but for some reason I've read this twice.. and I dont understand it. It oculd just be that Im a fast reader or that my mind isnt open enough at this time... I do beleive the only thing I really caught onto was the husband knocking over a vase while the dog was peeing on the floor and the very last line which as usual, summerizes the peom in a fashion. I cant decide... it's likely me. I will read this again later and attempt a better critique, but as I always say ,I appreciate the read.
Good evening to you love
Patricia
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