What wells up within?
Try not to show it.
Somewhere north of the palate,
a pulsing, dull ache,
and a slow, constant burn
lives just past the stomach.
Enjoy yourself. Exhale.
I'll miss you. She feels it.
I love you. Not big enough.
Fill my arms up with her
one more last time.
Kind freckles smile
in that singular, precious way:
I would swear that she always
grows newer and newer.
I think the hugest kind of beauty
must fill at least ten dimensions.
I see better than anyone
as it shrinks to a
point.
She turns,
and I love her,
and I let her go.
She steps into the breeze;
I climb into the burn.
Into thin air
we both simply vanish.
Author notes
SPARE PARTS:
They say she is safer
in the company of clouds
than I am below,
where lightning comes down.
They say the fates have been tamed;
I should see them as friends.
Consumed by the flames,
I glimpse the unthinkable.
My mind's morbid eye
has seen a man weeping.
Is it thirty-six hours,
or eternity, perhaps?
So I put pen to paper,
and write you this letter--
to beg for your mercy,
though you do not exist.
To Gaia, Vishnu, Jehovah, Zeus,
or any other god that I don't know to ask:
Please answer the prayer of her chosen protector,
who is unable to reach her,
and counting on you.
I offer all of riches.
They'll be worth little to me
if my world crashes down:
My dreams are the pages of an unwritten book.
My body is a nickel for the gumball machine.
My life is the crust on the soles of my shoes.
I ask this of you in the name of your choosing.
Written October 28th, 2005
In a list
A contest entry
- Kiss My Memories So I'll Never Forget by Angel Eyes.
300 points, ended March 31, 2006, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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I've always believed that infatuation or even obsession consists of wanting what you want. True love is when you want what's best for them, even if it means you won't be the one to provide it for them. It's good to know that you know the difference, even when wisdom came so hard. 
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Glad I didnt listen and NOT read this. It is spectacular, I always love to read peoples first posts! This piece aches... quietly, gracefully draggin us through your heart... absolutely stunning!!!
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I haven't read this poem in a year and a half. In fact, the last time I read it, I was still legally married to her and hoping for the best, whereas at this point I don't even know where she is, haven't heard from her in almost 5 months, and haven't seen her in 8. Losing her to a plane crash would have been horrible; it never even occurred to me that she might put me through something even more painful voluntarily. I'm sure that experience will spawn a poem of some sort.
It's funny how time has changed my perspective on this poem. It is, as you say, the first thing I ever posted here (albeit only by a couple of days), and I've felt really insecure about it for a long time. I workshopped it in my old criticism group (Lead Pipe Cruelty), which was full of excellent poets, and just wound up feeling more confused about it. Ultimately, I just threw my hands up in the air. When I read it again just now, though, it didn't strike me as the fundamentally flawed mess I had concluded it was. There definitely is some melodrama in here, and melodrama can kill a poem, but I guess that's where I really was at when I wrote this. It's hard to argue that there's anything subtle in melodrama, but perhaps it can be made to work in art anyway. Something brought the honesty to come across for me this time.
This is a really long way of saying thank you for your input. Especially since the sentiment this old poem expresses is so far removed from my current reality, there is no telling how long it might have sat here untended in cyberspace if you had not given me a reason to reconsider it.
I think maybe I will go back over this poem and let it be what it is. Perhaps editing an old write might even scare up some trace of my muse, and I will finally find a way to post something new again, for crying out loud.
If you like reading old writes, here are my oldest ones:
Nothing and Nowhere is an edited version of a write originally entitled "Alone," which was the second poem I ever wrote (age 19) that didn't start out as an assignment for school, and the first one that I don't mind letting people read;
garden is a lightly edited version of a love poem I wrote for my ex a year before I joined AP (my third independent effort);
Default is a poem about living consciously that I posted 2 days after "Vapor Trails";
and Re-Run Sound Byte (which I originally posted 2 days after "Default," subsequently edited many hundreds of times until I was hugely proud of it, and finally pulled to submit unsuccessfully for publication) was inspired by the truly scary people we have called leaders for the past 8 years. -
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Divorce is less pleasant that having each of your limbs torn off one by one, i feel ya here... I think thats why it resonated so much with me. I will take a look at the others, thank you for sharing, you have outstanding talent!
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Thank you!
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You forgot to leave me a note in your author comments telling me what it is you are unhappy with in the poem, or what it is you want me to focus on in my critique.
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you sure do edit a lot... some times its like finding a whole new poem...
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Heh,
you don't know the half of it. This is a superficial make-over. I changed the title because I thought the gods thing was a little ... melodramatic when thrown into this poem. By itself the second half of the poem as it was could easily be (and might one day be) a whole other poem.
You should see what "Vapor Trails" looks like on my PC. You would scarcely recognize it. I'm going to post it when I'm happy with it. Perhaps I'll put the original "Pantheon" write back up and post that as a new poem when I'm done with it. It really is a very different animal, albeit with some common lines. Thanks for reading.
~Morgan -
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its very amusing actually. ^__^
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Ilovethesuddenanddesperateunderpinningsyoupen!
It's like wanting to say the perfect Goodbyes in moments like these. A very nice and well thought out write!
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1. Well thank you for saying so!
2. Yes, you've nailed the interpretation. I'm always bummed that so few people understand what this poem is saying. It is pure throat-lump on paper. I'm getting used to it, though. I haven't read enough famous poetry to really emulate anyone, so I guess I'm just bound to create fringe work.
3. Love-wise, I need all the luck I can get my mitts on of late. I thank you deeply for sending me some.
4. You're welcome for following the rules. I'm going to lie to you now. My dearly departed grandfather's motto was, "If one cannot win, then he should do his best to lose correctly."
Best,
Morgan
Edited on Nov 09, 9:50 because ''. -
The fact that I interpretted the poem as you had written it just shows the similar passions people have. The trials of letting go in the face of a threat. Beautiful write, my dear. Full of emotion, I was clinging on to every word. And your helpless hopeful prayers at the end just had me sold.
A truly enjoyable write, my friend. Keep up the great work, and good luck in my contest as well as in Love.
Take care,
~Angel Eyes~
ps. Thank you for following the rules
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naah i'm not a contestant. i wouldnt win lol
i check through the contest pages..i saw this contest, and being a romantic sucker myself, read the entries. and thats how i came across this.
lucky i did. -
Thank you. I figured you were a fellow contestant, but couldn't find your entry. How'd you come across this?
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i love it all.
i really like how i was reading this and you said, "a feeling just past the stomach" and i could understand. lol
its really nice.
great job -
Your initial interpretation was a sharp one. The burn, recall is in the stomach.
Best,
Morgan -
i THOUGHT it was about saying goodbye to someone on an airplane- but when you talk about fading away into eternity, it made me think of scatering someones ashes. very well written and good luck in the contest!
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this is quite a passionate piece. i can relate to a few different parts of it.
"To anyone out there, from her chosen protector, who is unable to
reach her, and is counting on you: What is the price of this prayer?
Please accept my finest riches. They'll be worth little to me if my world
crashes down."
........sounds like me lately.
"her vitality is as fragile as her essence is immortal"
....and something got me about that line as well.
this was very genuine, and the desperation and concern are conveyed really well. -
You have written this poem so beautiful. In some parts it even sounds like a prayer or maybe it's just my hyper imagination. I think the poem is really good.
And thank you for entering.
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Thanks for the heads-up on the website. I think that should be quite useful. As to the question of whether or not freckles can smile... trust me, it depends on which freckles you're talking about My wife smiles all over.
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I forgot to mention this:
The kind freckles smile (freckled smile)
I doubt the freckles themself do any smiling.
Here's a great site on punctuation:
www.harmonize.com/probe/aids/manual/punctuate.htm
Good luck.
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"Enjoy yourself. Exhale,
I'll miss you. She feels it.
I love you. Not big enough.
Fill my arms up with her
just one more last time."
Here is one example of overusing words. In the matter of two lines you managed to use "you" and "yourself" three times. That's is more what I meant on your other poem. This could easily be cut down to leave out some of the use of "you" and other words of that nature.
People often think they connect the stanza together, but in reality they only break it apart and make it feel out of wits, if you get what I mean. The stanza doesn't flow as good as it could.
I hope this has been of help, in terms of giving you an example.
And what the hell, here is one more example,
"My dreams are blank pages from a book still unwritten."
In this stanza you explained more than you needed to. You could easily cut out "from a book unwritten" leaving it as "My dreams are blank pages" or you could change it around to "My dreams are a book unwritten", using much of the same words, but giving it some more structure than it has at the moment.
I hope this helped you a bit more, in terms of giving you exact examples of what I see as your poetic problem areas.
much love,
James
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I submit that I am in dire need of guidance when it comes to punctuation in poetry. I have had no formal training as a poet, and I have a very undeveloped sense abouot how I should apply grammar rules in the absence of traditional sentence structure. By default, I find myself just making it up. If you know of a good resource on this topic, I'd be quite interested. Additionally, I'd love to know how you would punctuate these words. I never get input like this. My sincere thanks.
~Morgan -
Great wrtie, Powerful
This is so great. I liked the fact that you incorperated more than one God. Asking for prayer and you leaveit open to all. -
good job
Actually, I like it, but I am an editor after all. The punctuation is bad. You need to fix that. Otherwise, this is pretty good. The first thing I thought about was 9/11, since I have a poem on that, "A Call From The Clouds", but I don't think this is a poem about losing someone you love, I think it's about someone you love "leaving on a jet plane", and your worries about it (possibly more intense because of 9/11.) Anyway, I think you've handled it well, and that's the main thing. -
Thank you! The voice of the poem is an athiest, so the listing of several gods is meant to imply desperation. The pauses in the middle of lines (I'm assuming you mean toward the end) are intentional, because that part of the piece is a letter.
Edited on Dec 05, 5:16 p.m. because ''. -
Great!
This was a really fabulous read. I liked the way you tied everything into the title(I actually wondered about that), and even though it was a little long... I found that I enjoyed the things you said, and how you said them. Also, I was impressed by the fact that you mentioned other names of "Gods". Acknowledging that we all believe in different religions, and are different people... outstanding! Only thing was the pauses you created in the middle of lines. A small thing, but I noticed it; yet, you didn't start off that way. I hope your wife loved this poem!
Prince
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hey i love this poem, you did a great job the words here were beautiful, and you could feel the passion in it, great piece
your friend
emily
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Thanks for submitting this entry. I'll comment after the contest closes.
Prince : -
A perfectly 'finished' work, with both a good length and amazing depth. Liked the way you channeled your emotions, they seem to really affect the reader, they are explained by the right words and I like the fact that you are not afraid to use more complex words in your poetry- it makes it more descriptive and intelligent. Thanks for sharing it with us.
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i like this. i liked how you ended it. beautiful (and PrettyBlueJeans is an amazing writer - i know ^_^) anyways, i liekd the emotion in this. this is truely breathtaking. thanks for entering it into my contest!
<3 jerusha -
This was wonderful. It was stroked with the pen of admiration and desire and love... ahhh... It was heart squeezing. Thanks so much for entering this wonderful piece into the contest... and I wish you the very best of luck!
Melanie
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Beautiful!
Beautiful piece. I especially liked the part "Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, Zeus,/And all other gods whom I may have left out" because so often poems mention one God character, which gives the impression of not having room to change. The use of many gods also gives a desperate impression, which is fantastic for this poem. Definatly one of the best I have read on this site. -
Almost brought me near tears. This is breathtaking and I am at a loss for words to explain the way it has left me empty. Amazing....
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wow..that was great you make it sound so real..good job!
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