Autumn air, filled with morning gold shine;
A cold breeze sets amongst my blemished tear-stained cheeks.
Here I am, wishing for you;
I’m torn from my hate; I’m torn from my misery –
I’m shattered beneath the ground,
My dreams are filled of you.
I’m just about letting go for every emotion is bundled up inside.
My persistent wish; thrown out before my eyes,
Once ago I was strong, nothing could go wrong, but here I am;
My tears are cried, I’m broken apart now for everything has become my fault.
You and I, my minds constant wish within; trashed away on behalf of rejections hope
I’m torn from my anger; I’m torn from my sadness –
I’m shattered beneath the filth;
My thoughts are filled of you.
My words spoken to you; a whisper of love given,
Grasp me tight, kiss me suddenly, and take my breath away when you glance at me.
Spread our wings, and fly away somewhere together far from here –
In my dreams, woken instantly
I’m here again; pretending as if every feeling inside is a lie.
I’m torn from my rage; I’m torn from my sorrow,
I’m shattered beneath the crust;
I imagine you and me; forever and always – my forgotten thought.
My constant love, shredded to pieces before my eyes.
A tear cried;
I’m torn from my calmness; I’m torn from my cheerfulness
I’m shattered beneath the earth;
In my dreams, in my mind,
I’m barely hanging onto my love,
I drop the e, and it kills me now,
For I can’t breath, I can’t sleep;
I can’t continue loving you, without that e
Author notes
There are two words for "love" one i can "l.u.v." you, or i can "l.o.v.e." you, the point was that some people can "luv" but they can't love" putting that "e" at the end of the word love, means something more; depending on who you are.
Written October 24th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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It's hard to go from Love to Luv. It's understandable that sometimes it feels as if you can't just keep it at that lower level and it needs to be that something more. The memories attack you, like a swarm of bees and I know that nothing more stings then remembering love when it was love
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Absolutlely wonderful. I understand the dropping of the E, and yes luv and love are two very different things.
I must admit, before I read that in your comments, I thought you were talking about ecstasy.
Yea.. I added a very different feel and emotion to the piece.
Anyway, I'd say more, but I have yet to get through most of my entries. Thank you for entering,
<3 - Ali -
PERFECT
WOW Josh!!! Absolutlely wonderful. A brilliant piece, so full of emotion. Yes, your writting has matured alot!! You display excellent talent and I can't wait to read more.
Hey, I am right now on Hoffmeister & Gentry at my sons house..lol
Rene' -
The dropping of the E, was to resemble those who say they can "luv" but they can't "love" someone. There are two words for "love" for some people. One I can "l.u.v." you, or I can "l.o.v.e." you. The point was, some people can "luv" but they can't "love" putting that "e" at the end of the word love, means something more; depending on who you are. maybe for you its differnt?
Edited on Oct 26 because ''. -
you started with some really great images...lost that some during the course of the poem. i would have kept the scene in the eye of the reader, kept moving from image to image to let the reader in to sense and see rather than to read.
also, I didn't really understand the dropping of the "E." so "love" is then "lov?"
all in all you did set some pretty images at the beginning of this poem and some of the lines were unique and very well-written. you did very well overall, and I'm glad I had the chance to read this!
Jo -
I especially liked the lines, "Autumn air, filled with morning gold shine" and " I'm torn from my hate; I'm torn from my misery"... There were so many good lines in this piece.. I felt the power of emotion right until the very last word.. I was very impressed.... and also with the meaning behind the poem... it was so raw and real.. I couldn't believe that a concept so simple could be conveyed with this type of brutal honesty.. Really it is a brillant write..> Thank you ....
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I loved the way you repeated the "I'm torn" lines to help create the descriptive mood. ie:
I’m torn from my rage; I’m torn from my sorrow,
I’m shattered beneath the crust;
Good write.
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THIS WAS A REALLY INTERESTING READ! I FELT THE EMOTIONS THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO CONVEY, AND THE GENERAL OVER ALL TONE OF THIS PIECE...i ESPECIALY LIKED:Autumn air, filled with morning gold shine;
A cold breeze sets amongst my blemished tear-stained cheeks.
Here I am, wishing for you;
I’m torn from my hate; I’m torn from my misery –
I’m shattered beneath the ground,
My dreams are filled of you.
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