always I could count on You
You calmed me, helped Me
I tried to help You
but you couldn't trust Me
always trying to act in truth
I trusted You in full
because I wanted the same
for Me
I have to wonder
should I act better?
Did I do wrong?
Or am I dead?
all I want is to help You
but is You real?
but I trusted You completely
You've shown up to kill Me
I see a face I should love
but an eel hisses at Me
I cry
Alone, now
forever
Author notes
I don't know if it's my fault or their's. She was the only person I trusted completely, the only friend I was sure of and she has killed me. Now she's hiding behind words like she always does, saying things like "I was just messing with your mind" "I don't care about you." I feel so dead. Is the person I care about even still there?
I commented on "Untrusting."
I had a revelation and felt compelled to make another poem. The feelings shown in this poem are not gone, but she is so amazing and terrible at the same time. I will be hers to kill if I must, for she is worth this with the hope that one day her broken wings will heal and I will see her fly.
I considered deleting this from the contest, but I think I will add this message instead.
Written October 23rd, 2005
A contest entry
- Betrayal by Neon Lights.
300 points, ended October 28, 2005, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
People seem to tell me that they could sense emotion or something along those lines like they're afraid of offending me. "A critical review is invited." Yes. Be critical. That's the only way I'll learn.
Was the whole thing choppy? I tried to make it line up in an odd sort of way, but maybe that didn't work. Did the choppiness take a lot away from the poem? -
Wow. Very emotional. Really liked this piece. THe flow was a bit choppy but thats okay. I liked the questions you asked in yout comment box too. Very nice! Thanks for entering and good luck!
~Fi~
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