Blast these Busted eyes that will not let me see
Blast this Broken heart which won't let me feel
Distorted Images
Contorted Feelings
Flash
To form the fragmented thoughts in this
Rotting dream
(Busted Machine
)You call my brain.
(Shoulda been Drained)
What god would allow me to born as such?
Which person deigned that i should live as such?
(Who botched this decision?)
o, do let me meet them
so that i might learn them
of their Terrible Mistake!
for, why keep something around when it can not Function,
when it has no Purp(use)?
How did you not know the pathetic Creature i would become,
you hypocrite lumps of flesh?
Why keep me (these Tired bones), yet destroy the others?
Blast these busted eyes which won't let me See-
(Why are you crying?)
Blast this broken heart that will not let me feel-
(i DO. . . care that you are dying!)
Better that my soft skull had been collapsed with
So Many
Of the others Aborted into this world
Better that the chance allowed me
be given
to one of those
Denied the Choice to accept reject the Torment
of seeking the elusive (perhaps nonexistent?) joys of paradox life (the
Cup is half empty. . .
Because i have failed the chance given
to me:
have become Hard Headed
have become Broken
Cold. (S)hollow. Self-Absorbed.
Lusting after the unattainable:
Lusting after a compassionate Soul.
Author notes
umm. . . an e. e. cummings phase, please tell me how i can make this terrible poem better, i'd appreciate it tons. . .thanx
Written October 20th, 2005
A contest entry
- A Drop of Talent Here, a Splash of Crimson There by dReAmZ-cRuCiFiEd.
300 points, ended November 10, 2005, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
wonderful critque!
o but i meant those misspellings, it was word play use was put into parenthesis to make it's own word thus, there was no purpose simultaneously there was no use
and then the other one was me trying to say shallow and hollow
and the same time lol i guess that doesn't work so well, thanks for the head's up i hadn't realized it seemed that way i really appreciate your insight thank you so much for taking the time to give me some advice!
Edited on Nov 03, 4:58 because 'wonderful critique'. -
APPLAUSE WORTHY BEGINNING
What a great start...yes, I definately feel the e. e. cummings vibe in this poem. You do have a few spelling errors though, even if they were to be used (to rhyme? no, not really) for example, line 18 is PURPOSE, not "purpuse). Don't feel pressured to change the word to make it rhyme, the rhyme may be subtler, yet still rhyme functionally. Line 40, also is SHALLOW, not "shollow"...I appreciate though, your randomness and emphasis on the capitalization and lower-casing of certain words...I do that often, especially on words that I feel need to be recognized as instrumental to the poem, or because of their sound...Great work!
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