If I for failure owe some higher price
Than kind, to quell love's thirst and passion's cost,
I say, I'd pay it gladly over twice,
For this, my first love's kiss, that I've since lost.
While deep within, my dreams still cherished lie,
They bide their breath in hopes that love might sing;
Whose wonderous address could never die
While kindness such as she may life yet bring.
Her visage paints the moon in autumn's dew,
And through her astral panes all streams must flow;
Her brilliance: more intense than stars yet new --
So parched for her, my muse! My heart must follow.
A dream between a star and tears of bliss:
Forevermore spent holding love's first kiss.
Author notes
[English Sonnet]
Written October 19th, 2005
In a list
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Firstly .. it's kind of amusing that the poem right above yours in this contest is called "The First Kiss of Love" and this one is "Love's First Kiss" .. hehe
Secondly .. while this is, undoubtably, a love poem, it fits rather well in this contest .. it kind of suspends itself in the memory of the first kiss .. which seems to be quite a good one, I must say .. thanks for entering! -
What exquisite imagery! And so romantic! I just loved this! The meter really came thru very well - though as my focus got drawn into the story, the meter faded into the background. I'm glad to have my day brightened by "Love's First Kiss".
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This was a beautiful and well crafted sonnet. When done as this one they are a joy to read.
Jim -
OOHH this is breathtaking as well, I love the way you've described "Loves first Kiss" I can remember mine, even though it was many decades ago.One never fogets their first love.
Very beautiful.
Hugs Joan
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Reading this sonnet I was full of beautiful feelings. Very nice and touching verses makes me to close my eyes to listen your words again in my head:
And through her astral panes all streams must flow;
Her brilliance: more intense than stars yet new --
So parched for her, my muse! My heart must follow.
A dream between a star and tears of bliss,
Forevermore spent holding love's first kiss.
Great flowing verses, nice used words and perfect rhyme.
~Sonja~ -
i think this is wonderful! i like this type of write and the rhyming scheme that it has very well done xx Cheryl
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David, wonderfully written and such deeply heartfelt emotion. I just recently wrote my first sonnet for a course on Poetry writting in form. Not as easy as it seems. Keep up the excellent work.
Robert -
aerinalanna: Not that I disagree with you, but I believe there is a volta at L5. (which I admit is an untraditional place to put it).
The first idea is the idea that the speaker lost his first loves kiss and would do anything to stop thirsting for it.
the 2nd idea (introduced at L5) is that the speaker will spend forever more holding onto it. He has NOT truly lost it, because he will hold onto it in his dreams.
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Very, very lovely! I love the English sonnet, and this one is quite elegant. While some sticklers would say that it is not a sonnet because of the lack of a volta, I think that not every sonnet requires one, and so love this one. Very well done!
~Amanda -
god your good.. such i great write.. i love reading your work.. thanx for entering..
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pulled some heart strings
this was really good! it tugged at a few of my heart strings....wonderful job and i love the picture! continue to write, you did an awesome job!
~*CammY*~ -
this is very lovely and beautiful
a great write
i really enjoyed reading it
loved the ending:
"A tear between a star and dreams of bliss,
Forevermore spent holding love's first kiss."
keep on writing
Nooni -
very wonderful..i love the sound of old style poetry..to me it seems all others are dull in comparison..wonderful ... i love thinking of your dreams lying in wait untill your true love comes along.....it seems like a dream...thankyou for sharing this...
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CalvinNHobbes: you have some great suggestions. I didn't realize that the possessive form of 'who' is actually 'whose' and not "who's". (my formal education is in computer science.. I didn't just slack off during class).
I am also not thrilled with using the word 'passion' in L2. It seems too cliche to me. But I haven't thought of another word as of yet. I didn't think of it as colloquial but... hrmm.. maybe the word 'friendship' would be better.... yes.. I think I shall try that.
I dont think 'while' is a modifier in L5. I am using the meaning: "At the same time that; although: While the grandparents love the children, they are strict with them."
It also serves to create an accoustic symmetry with Line 8 which also starts with 'while' and I think that heightens line 8.
Perhaps it is a modifier, I'm not an authority.
Thank you for your excellent comments!
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If I for failure owe some higher price (though I see an awkward transpose, but then it has good sonic quality. I am not counting syllable
)
Than kind, to quell love's thirst and passion's cost, (passion's is perhaps too colloqual)
I say I'd pay it gladly over twice
For this, my first love's kiss, that I have lost.
S1: overall sonical effect is good, there are good supporting sounds to rhyme heads!
While deep within, my dreams still cherished lie, (is it necessary to start a new stanza with a modifier?)
And bide their light in hopes that love might sing,
Who's wonderous address could never die (who's or whose?)
While kindness such as she may life yet bring. (I don't see any good reason for a stanza break here)...
A tear between a star and dreams of bliss,
Forevermore spent holding love's first kiss.
A fabulous heroic couplet...I liked it much, David!
Calvin
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David, this is excellent! If I could write something half as beautiful I would be content!
Thanks and Regards.........................John-Las Vegas -
Og, this is a beautiful sonnet ... artfully written with obvious skill and talent. I shall make a point to check out more of your work. Brilliant write.
xxBLissxx -
I too am lost for words here, but this gently touched my heart as only a sonnet can.
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like it alot
wow... wondeerfully written piece... I love the picture that starts it off.. Great job.. Keep writing and having fun in life.. Continue with the awesome work -
nice. very nice
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I'm so sorry, but I'm just lost for words.
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I think this was a beautifully crafted sonnet, and the imagery was perfect. Very nicely done.
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yes even with the revision...it is still beautiful
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You have refined this beautifully. Your attention to intricate details produce flawless and fascinating sonnets.
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Very nice! I will say that sonnets don't have to only be about love, for the sonnet is a beautiful poetic form that can be used for many different subjects. Very well done!
~Amanda -
for the record I revised the poem:
old version:
If I for failure owe some higher price
Than kind, to quell love's thirst and passion's cost,
I say I'd pay it gladly over twice
For this, my first love's kiss, that I have lost.
Her visage paints the moon in autumn's dew,
And through her astral panes all dreams must flow;
Her brilliance: more intense than stars yet new --
So parched for her, my muse: my heart must follow.
While deep within, my dreams still cherished lie,
And bide their light in hopes that love might sing,
Who's wonderous address could never die
While kindness such as she may life yet bring.
A wish between a song and streams of bliss,
For all these tears of longing love's first kiss. -
Wonderful write. I enjoy the sounds of the words working with one another,the flow of it... just beautiful.
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I think one of the strengths of poetry is that it is intentionally ambiguous. A poem, which is too exact, limits itself.
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wow...i'm completely awed at this sonnet, and, after reading the comments, I have a much better understanding of what you were writing. This piece is stunning and I congratulate you for explaining it to a critic. Many people have many opinions of what they read. Why are there so many religions? because people decipher the way the bible is written in different ways. The bible is so poetic, and yet is understood in different aspects which in turn, create different religions. Now- you may agree or disagree-but thats what makes personal opinions so-personal. Again this piece is beautiful. thanks for entering my contest.
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Leahofmaria: I disagree with you. "First Kiss", "Love's First Kiss" and "First Love's Kiss" mean very 3 different things.
If I was to adhere to your convention of not using the word love, then the poem would mean something completely different (and completely trite).
original : For this (my first love's kiss) that I've since lost.
your suggestion: For this (my first kiss) that I've since lost.
The original version refers to the fact that the speaker is no longer in a position to be able to kiss his first love i.e. he has lost his first love. (and moreover his LAST love since the whole poem is about how he will forever follow her ).
your suggested version refers to a sense of nostalgia over the first time the speaker ever kissed anyone. i.e. for many of us UNMEMORABLE and decidedly unpoetic event.
likewise the final couplet would change in meaning in a similar way.
As for line 8. It makes perfect sense. It makes no sense to you. It is often difficult for young people to deal with abstract concepts. Keep up the good work and eventually you'll get there!
Edited on Oct 20, 4:54 p.m. because ''. -
Writing in strict form is way hard. I don't often try it.
I have a few suggestions for you: in a sonnet, the theme of "love" is assumed, because that's what a sonnet is (duh, obviously you know this). Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you don't need to mention that it's "love's first kiss." In fact, I think the poem would be much more effective as a whole if you didn't use the word "love" or "longing" or anything like that at all.
as for line eight (and quite a lot of the rest of the poem for that matter): Don't sacrifice the integrity of your language and syntax for a rhyme scheme. to me, the line makes no sense. I have to wade through its odd structure, and that really detracts from the poem. I suggest you think of a smoother way to construct that phrase (and others).
Writing is hard. that how you know you're doing it right, if it's just super difficult. Don't be afraid to revise and make this as good as you can! -
I'm glad you appreciate the 8th line. I was quite happy with that discovery. The line refering to 'follow' has an extra unstressed syllable which literally follows the 5 iambs. my interpretation is that it suspends the reader in that line for a moment to create a sensation of being compelled to "follow". I hope that the effect is enhanced by the fact that 'must follow' is almost repitition of 'must flow' except for an extra syllable. The poem makes the reader repeat themself and then holds the reader frozen for an instant in that flow.
I also wanted to suggest the pause someone must take in speaking if their throat was 'parched' and they had to swallow before catching their breath. (swallow rhymes with follow and is suggested by parched)... well. perhaps I am hoping for too much.
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Oh, this is stunning. (I don't know about 'flowy'...) The melodic meter, combined with your artistic phrasing, is simply hypnotic. The little twist in rhythm in the 8th line works beautifully for impact. I very much enjoy your wonderful sonnets.
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I've never ut tried a sonnet before. But this was really pretty. You have a very flowy way of writing, that I've never really tried before. Everything is very musical - ish.
Great job.
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