The ocean crashes amongst the sand,
Yet a sand castle remains to stand tall,
Deviant it is to natures ways,
It just refuses to fall,
The current spits its harsh venom
waves trying to bring the castle down,
But after the wrath the ocean shows,
The castle is still found,
The wind blows harsh with all its fury
Blowing away everything that crosses in its path,
The castle still stands tall and deviant to the winds
giving nature a silent laugh,
The castle stood tall for many a month and week,
Till it met its fate,
A man who wanted to destroy
This indestructible castle, filled with pure hate,
The man stood over the wreck in victory
A twisted smile was upon his face,
The castle that stood tall with pride now,
Lay in its own waste,
This castle represented life
Take a hard look and you will see,
The castle represents us
It stood as a message to you and me,
The man did not bring down the castle
The castle merely decided to quit,
Fed up it was with everything trying to break it down,
It just got tired of all the shit,
What the castle stood for was:
No matter what life throws at you,
Remain to stand tall,
Be deviant to everything that tries to bring you down
It's only yourself that can make you fall.
Author notes
Written October 19th, 2005
A contest entry
- Help! i really need some inspiration by lucy sky-diamond.
600 points, ended July 14, 2007, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
-
a wonderful message withing this poem, i love the lines
The castle that stood tall with pride now,
Lay in its own waste,
such a wonderful way of describing the fall of a sand castle; very true imagery
thank you very much for this entry, and best of luck
lucy
-
Excellent poem, I like the rhyme, the rhythm and the message.
-
As always mum thank you for your beautiful comment. I am not shore were this one came from.
-
WONDERFUL POEM
'Wow what a beautiful write. It was a pleasure to read. Hope all is well with you. You penned a wonderful poem here. Take care, Sandy AP mom
Edited on Nov 16, 5:34 p.m. because ''. -
i liked the way you rhymed the lines...i don't do so well when i have to use rhyme in my poetry so kudos to you.
i didn't like how the message was so blatantly written into the last few stanzas...it may be just a personal thing with me, but i think it would have been better if the point had been made more subtly.
overall, though, not too shabby at all!
oh yeah nice background, as well!
-
I think this is a wonderful write with a neat message..
on line 6 I think it might feel more real if you said "waves wanting to bring the castle down" personifying the waves.
line 7 (starting from the bottom) I think it might be sufficient to say "Tired of everything trying to break it"
"Fed up it was..." is hard to read and interrupts the wonderful flow you have established earlier in the write
those last wise words that describe the meaning of the poen might be better to have in the author's comments. that way it gives the reader a chance to interpret the message for themselves and then see what the author intended. Furthermore, I think this is a wonderful poem and great choice of background
-
lol, well u seems to have recieved many comments for ur work already, so i highly doubt n e thing in which i cud say wud really b significant as u've most likely heard it already. But indeed it is a great piece of work, it has a beautiful theme
-
Oh! I loved this poem, it flowed greatly, I love the rhythm. And the message it brings is so right! Great job!! Keep it up!
-
Wonderful
Hi,James R:
I'am new glad to meet you,This is a very wise poem and one od great depth.This poem is very well crafted and you are a very talented poet,well done.
mrsfoss -
cool story- and cool message- I always like your stuff! keep at it!- Harper
-
This is so good. ITt has great imagery. The message is great. I really like this. I just wrote a poem useing the ocean too. I like how used the sand castle for the hidden message. Great Job Keep up the Great work.!!
-
This is so good. ITt has great imagery. The message is great. I really like this. I just wrote a poem useing the ocean too. I like how used the sand castle for the hidden message. Great Job Keep up the Great work.!!
-
I really enjoyed this poem, its message was beautiful. I belive, however, that you shouldn't have spelt it out. The first few stanzas were amazing, and if you left out the explaination, this poem would have such a more powerfull effect. This is only my opinion, and enjoy poems in which make the reader (me) have to think a lil.
-butterfly -
v. good
This poem doesn't flow as it should, but it carries a very strong message, which is portrayed in a unique and clever way.
I would like to seem some very mild editing - nothing much - that deals with the slight break of rhythm in odd lines.
Enjoyed reading this though - was refreshing in its originality and, in my humble opinion, deserves applause for that alone.
Thank you for sharing.
-
A great write my friend
I love your chosen metaphor with the sand castle and my favorite part is the last two lines as they hold great impact and relay a very strong and concise message.
Best Wishes always
~Swt
-
falls onto his knees holding his crotch
Wow, that kicked me in the nutsand left me thinking about my own self confidence. Or lack where of.... -
great poem
-
I liked the power in this poem,has structure and great
details in this write, feel proud of this one.. good job and keep it up! Linda -
Lol victoryA in a typeo As i get help of friends to edit my poems sometimes they come through my email screwed up.
-
this is so pretty but yet so loud.. good imingery herekeep penning these lovey poems and I will read for sure..Linda
-
that is a very good write! I havnt read your other poems.... you said it was one of your best.... and I will take your word on it! This was absolutly beautuiful! keep up the good work!
-
wow-zer
Wow... I loved this. I think the castle metophor was brilliant, and the imagery was, amazing. The flow was on point too. Everything about this was quite lovely, but I do have to wonder why "victory" has the weird little A at the end?! I mean, it's no big deal but it just threw me off
. Beautiful write, thanks for sharing . and good luck in the contest, this is definitely a winner in my opinion.
♥ Fancy -
I think this is a really well written piece and you have a great use of metophor and imagery. Well done and keep up the good work
-
I love the twist!
I was expecting a happy 'treasure life and get through it' thing, and while that is kind of what it was the aspect of the castle quitting was much enjoyed!
One question: "victoryÂ" Whats with the odd A at the end? -
A castle in the picture and a person standing or falling.
That was pretty clear with such drama.... and the background with the starfish and shore helped create the mood. -
O WOW!! This was really something that hit me like a hammer...and I don't say that to everyone. And you're absolutly right, we cause ourselves to fall by just quitting. You did an awesome job and I'm going to be thinking about this all day. . .
Adding your comment:
1 - 26 of 26
