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The Field



Unkept promises,
              Flourish here.
(A field full of broken dreams)
A mournful moon watches,
                      Warily with a silent stare.
The wind whirls by,
                 with untold tales.
(The forgotten sound of late night screams)
A somber silhouette stalks the shadows
In the shade of the days gone by.

The keeper of The Box.
Welcome to the barren lands.
Where the sands of time dare not tread,
& The clouds are lined with lead.

Here the figure stands,
                     To the east.
At the epicentre,
                of the wrought ravine.
Which used to run with rapid beauty,
Now ravished from the riles of precursory events.
That ripped through the veins of this once magnificent marvel.

The shape of a slouch of a woman,
                               skulks solemnly over secrets.
(The keeper of The Box)
She woefully weeps over what was
(What is held within)
She waits for the wonder to release,
                                  wishful thoughts
          weave in and out
                          wanderers circles
squirm subconsciously.
Tranquil,
she waits.
Languorously.

In the barren lands.
(The field of broken dreams)
The keeper keeps her promises.
(To the child that heard the screams)

Outside the safety of the sorrows.
(The layers of the box)
Is a safer place still.
(For the little child lost)
(She waits for him, to help him through the grim)
(He wants to leave, have closure)
Does the child have the will?


Author notes

The parentheses are used as "whispers" to the reader, this may confuse some of you as parentheses are normally used to amplify/digress from a subject but in place of formatting I thought this was the best way.
Read The Box
Written October 18th, 2005

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 28 of 28
  • again...

    gorgeous poem. i love the layout too ... hmm it's ll crazy and strange . it's as though you know how to describe this sort of place all too well. your emotion seeps through it almost .... it filled me with it certainly. You are immensely talented dan.
    don't ever stop doing what your doing!
    Nah
    x


  • yoopea
    June 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    i particularly

    enjoyed this one.

    i wish i weren't so tired, or i would post a detailed response. maybe someday i'll come back and do it.


  • Summer Dawn
    July 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    you are an awesome poet and very skilled with your words.
    words are beyond description to describe the wonder and
    creativity you have.


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    March 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Daniel, chack out my friend Melons - she sometimes uses parentheses in a similar fashion. I like this device - it is like a Greek Chorus running through the poem. The form is very loose, and that seems to be entirely appropriate.

    Someone earlier advised you to move from the personal to the universal. I often do not see the difference. You obviously dig very deep to mine the personal feelings involved, and you express them. The fact that they are communicated and recognised means that they are in some way universal, otherwise how the heck would we recognise them?

    Read and appreciated. Thanks for charing.

    M


  • evilbatwoman
    January 4, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    buwahahaha lovely, quite lovely

    For the lacking of an intellectual mind I can find nothing imperfect about this poem. (I've typed a line and a half and my box has alread expanded, I feel special. ) [that was a whisper by the way] This a very well written poem. Some big words, I like that Anyway, when I grow some time, spam my IMs again and perhaps I'll read the next.
    4EVER BEIN ME,
    WESLEANN

  • Sara Crewe
    December 28, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    WoW! Love this one. There is a lot going on here, in this poem. I get different messages everytime I read it. Thats the beauty of the art of writing and you do it well. Thanks for this one. Sara.


  • Bungalow Bill
    December 22, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Great stuff.....


  • Thoughtful Seeker
    December 12, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    excellent work,worth reading!!

    i have alot to say about this piece. it is both creative and highly inventive. it has great flow,and a beautiful texture to it. it runs smooth,without a slight hint of grit. very impressive work. not many can pull such a piece from deep within them,but this obviously came from your soul,and it shows. i enjoyed the "whispers" and i loved the descriptions. all in all i'd say every writer on here could learn a thing or two from your style. keep it up!!! dani


  • The MisSin Truth
    December 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    the whole time reading this i pictured someone standing looking out on a desert, at the land that is cracked, under an overcast sky, of a place which was once fertile and full of life now dead. by this along with the other 2 that go with it and your bio, it osunds like the "keeper of the box" is the teacher you spoke of. i duno. you could explane it better. i can't offer much of a critique as far as form and punctuation if that is what you like cause i don't study that, i feel that poetry and art period should be naked and free from the confines of societys regulations of right and wrong, hell that is what art is for freedom of the soul and mind. the presents of your soul is strong in your words. a beautiful piece!


  • JennFeelsLost
    December 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    If only everyone had a clear view into your head like me, the world would be a scarier place!! LOL In the past, I have always found myself so confused where you were concerned because of overly emotional Jenn feelings. But what I completely love is that I can sit down and read this and totally understand a side of you I don't think I ever did before. I love the parentheses as I think it is a great way to magnify feelings. I can almost hear the whispers myself (in your silly accent, of course ). They just totally complete the write. Another great job, my dear. Keep it up! --Jenn ♥


  • Jaded Lily gold member
    December 10, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Ya know Daneh, I think for those that don't "get it", perhaps we should be happy for them. For those of us that DO understand these places, feelings, then there is no need to explain anything or question your work or shred it. This is amazing and I am sitting here blinking back the tears, knowing you understand. Thank you for the opportunities to let me just be me; pain, anger, frustration, sorrow, silence. I know you truly understand these intense emotions as they show very clearly in this outstanding piece. Bravo!

    Love you,
    Lileh

  • a motion to hate
    December 6, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Pfft, you could of told me you were a good writer before I read these. I liked the way you wove together a story in a poem, I liked the flow and what you were saying.
    ~river~
    by the way, I'm adding you to my favorites. It's nice to read poems that are actually good. How do you do it?

  • Ghenghis
    December 1, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Personal

    This poem is written as personal therapy. Such poetry can read very well and be formed of fine words but eventually such poems form a great river that flows into the sea. The water is sweet as it flows but once it reaches the sea it is salt and no-one will drink from it.

    The best I can say here is that this shows intellectual promise. It probably shows great strength of character to exorcise the chaos of a traumatic childhood.

    So you have the way with words and you have the raw material.
    Now you need to go beyond the personal into the universal. Out of the surreal into the real. You don’t have to go all the way but you have to find the connection that really gets people, here I mean the reading public, not the rest of us writing weirdos, engaged.
    You can do this from strange landscapes, from stage setting, from townscapes, bar rooms anywhere but turning a mirror to the reader and his/her society is the aim. You are a seeker for truth. This starts inside but cannot stay there.

    I have read the potted biography and was moved to read the poetry. This poem is explained by and explains the biography. It is a journal entry. Your life represented in metaphor. No-one can criticise such art because it is purely subjective.

    Unkept promises,
    Flourish here.
    (A field full of broken dreams)
    A mournful moon watches,
    Warily with a silent stare.
    The wind whirls by,
    with untold tales.
    (The forgotten sound of late night screams)
    A somber silhouette stalks the shadows
    In the shade of the days gone by.

    This first stanza is a moonlit landscape as metaphor for a life. If you break into this to look for a real image then there is nothing, it is all abstraction.

    The keeper of The Box.
    Welcome to the barren lands.
    Where the sands of time dare not tread,
    & The clouds are lined with lead.
    I like the sparse use of rhyme. I question sands of time not daring to tread

    Here the figure stands,
    To the east.
    At the epicentre,
    of the wrought ravine.
    Which used to run with rapid beauty,
    Now ravished from the riles of precursory events.
    That ripped through the veins of this once magnificent marvel.
    Now this stanza could mean anything. It could be geographical. I wonder from my knowledge of Nottingham about the old cutting where the disused railway line used to run. A wrought ravine. The problem with this kind of poetry, is that even if I’m right, the specialist knowledge is too specialist and the pay off insufficiently significant for this to catch any but the most committed.

    The shape of a slouch of a woman,
    skulks solemnly over secrets.
    (The keeper of The Box)
    She woefully weeps over what was
    (What is held within)
    She waits for the wonder to release,
    wishful thoughts
    weave in and out
    wanderers circles
    squirm subconsciously.
    Tranquil,
    she waits.
    Languorously.
    It is a mistake also to tell the reader what he should understand or see in a poem. The imagery and metaphor should set the scene, make the atmosphere. Emotion freely felt by the reader is better than emotion dictated by the writer.
    With your parentheses, I feel that you are having to explain your poem within the body of the poem. This should be a sign that the poem isn’t working.
    There may be an element of the listlessness of the drug abuser here but this is purely a guess based on what I have read outside the poem. The poem is giving me very little but sound.

    In the barren lands.
    (The field of broken dreams)
    The keeper keeps her promises.
    (To the child that heard the screams)
    The first parentheses are an explanation. The nature of the promises is not divulged. This is too vague to connect to.


    Outside the safety of the sorrows.
    (The layers of the box)
    Is a safer place still.
    (For the little child lost)
    (She waits for him, to help him through the grim)
    (He wants to leave, have closure)
    Does the child have the will?

    This final stanza is a question by the poet of the poet. We all hope so, many will pray that it will be so.

    Those of us who are cynical, sceptical or practical will say closure only comes with distance. These are aspects of your life which hurt and will boil for many years. However they will also drive your poetry and will be a great positive force if you can prevent the words from running away with you and drive them in other directions.

    Read contemporary poetry. I would recommend a recent Bloodaxe anthology called Staying Alive, I’ll get precise details tomorrow. It is filled with poetry on many aspects of the human condition. Also read Walt McDonald’s article, Advice I Wish I’d been Told, it can be found at wwwstage.valpo.edu/english/vpr/mcdonaldessay.html
    Then read some of Walt McDonald’s poetry.

    All this should push you towards turning the personal statement into a universal truth. That is assuming that is the direction you wish to take.


  • Blazing White Wolf
    October 31, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    this is a wonderfully written piece that has such great imagary embedded in the pain and hope that you write about well done!
    love and light
    blaze


  • TJCasser
    October 31, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    The parenthesis are a nice touch, I thought, as a guide for how you intend it to be spoken, and the differences in tone work wonderfully in my head. Thank you for sharing this!


  • aahos faos
    October 20, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    heartfelt

    i like it , i think the ( ) really adds to the entire peice infact i will say that i like that aspect the most. sounds like your life has been hard. it cant rain forever.

  • Molly Densmore silver member
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I think this is AMAZING!!!!!! very well done and very wonderfully written!!!! I like what you did here and what you did to separate your differences in voice, Great work and great descriptions and imagery. You have quite a talent and I hope you use it to its full advantage. Thank you so much for sharing this.


  • Elfin
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    wow!this piece of work cries out PAIN!!! Although I don't understand some of it, it certainly comes over as very deep hurt.Take care and God Bless you


  • elemental angel
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Although I still don't quite get it I can see this a well written piece. You express yourself really well and I enjoyed reading your work. Well done and keep up the good work


  • masterblaster gold member
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    Hi, how strange I posted a poem called the box a few days ago,lol, nice feel, found the parenthesis as there are a lot a little irritating,I did understand the direction the poem was going,lol,good write, all the best Di

  • nolonger
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    WOAH!!! Dany dan danny lover boy, my god. you really out done yourself my love, this came straight from your heart, as all of yours does.But this one holds something else, something more... Like from that deep deep dark hurting place that no one else can touch, how to explain it, but a box
    Being closed up, even to yourself, I hate this feeling. i think that we understand one another very well. We been through alot of the same things, and some not the same but still, We feel alot of the same things, some not the same but still... i feel you, you feel me. this was powerful beyond words. you put so much into this. yes, Someone said they didnt quite understand it, if even just at first, But I got it. The very first stanza pulled me in and held onto me, almost suffocating me. This was just perfect!
    I think, I may have to feature this one as well , Let's see how many people can get it, without reading " the box" Its a test i'd like to see, but I bet i would have figured you out anyway
    Love ya hun
    always
    ~ vini ~


  • DanASBO
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    please read "The Box" it will help you understand this piece

    Thank you for commenting.

    Dan


  • Krista Beth
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    well written

    I like very much how you wrote this. The "whispers" were very well done. Though I don't know what inspired you to write this, it is a very good piece.
    Thank you for sharing.

  • PhoenixSer
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    This is great Dan, i'm glad I read The Box first, otherwise I would've been rather confused. lol. I have to admit, at first I didn't understand why the parenthesis were there, but after seeing your comment and reading it again, it gave it a very interesting effect. The general laying out of the peice was neat, the way you had the "wishful thoughts weave in and out" part, gave it a nice asthetic appeal to go with the context. I like the flow of it, there were some places that made you pause because of the way it was worded, which I thought was neat. Very lovely job.


    ~Sarah~

  • DanASBO
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I know what parentheses are normally used for but I was using them as "whispers" to the reader. I would have used italics but I can't because I'm not a paying member.

    Thank you for your honest comment.

    Dan


  • NoWayJo
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    i love the poem, but there just seems to be far too many (parenthesis). I was once told in relation to my own poetry at one time that most times information contained within (parenthesis) are either, 1. not necessary information and/or 2. the writer's means of conveying information to the "stupid" reader thinking they might not understand. since neither of these seem to be the case as to your poem, I would really suggest you drop them and read this poem for yourself without the delay and stutter the parenthesis seem to cause.

    Jo


  • cafegroundzero gold member
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Bene, bene, amico.

    Very good. I stand back in respect.

    There's just one little glich I see so far, it's in the last part, where you say the child wants closure. Understood, but perhaps you can say this more... poetically? It sounds too clinical.

  • Seeking Peace silver member
    October 19, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    I love the structure of this piece, I must admit I had to read it a few times to fully understand it. But I love a good poem that makes me think hard, that you have made me do. I love this piece. Well done

    Karen

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