Skin freezes without your touch,
The dark dreary rain pounds against the window,
pit pat,
split splat,
Hastening my unshed tears,
And the cold ache of your absence.
Lightning cracks and thunder rolls,
Love still lingering on lips and skin,
pit pat,
split splat,
But the rain, relentless, like the drums of war,
Lull me to a cold sleep, dreaming of your arms.
Author notes
It's amazing how accustomed you can get to sleeping with someone after just a few short nights. It's just not the same alone, the bed is too big.
I'm honestly not sure if this is finished... it almost beggs more, but I've been known to overwrite, so I decided to leave well enough alone for tonight, and come back to it later.
Written October 17th, 2005
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Excellent job. Ps your talent is showing.
For someone who says she doesn't write, you sure do have an excellent imagery pattern and flow. Oh, thanks for reading my story. I appreciate it alot!
-Requiem -
i think you would spoil the poem by adding something more... i think it is complete on its own... i must applause you use of such conventional imagery of rain and its connection with love in such an evocative manner... the sentiment of missing the lover is overdone but in not such a unique setting... i liked the way you patterned the words to form two Zs that are inverted.... i also liked the onomatopoea you used... above all it is the last two lines that are the real jewels of this piece:
But the rain, relentless, like the drums of war,
Lull me to a cold sleep, dreaming of your arms.
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This is beautiful and I loved it. The rain metaphor is wonderful and your heartfelt longing is displayed really poignantly here. Wonderful.
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Beautiful
She fears the need of herself; in tears she explains it so. Spit spat! Pit Pat! Yet know lady that my love is lost, as tears within the rain.
In your words here now! I see the tears plain.
How cannot he return to such ecstasy of your tears?
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I liked the metaphors here and with so much rain lately it added to the melancholy.Rain as in NJ.A lovely poem and thank you for commenting on mine ~Natari
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I love this! leave it as it is! don't you dare change it! it's perfect! i love poems about the rain and your imagery the intensity of your emotions all bleed into this poem beautifully....
I love it!
Hastening my unshed tears,
And the cold ache of your absence.
I looove that line and
But the rain, relentless, like the drums of war,
Lull me to a cold sleep, dreaming of your arms.
that one...
this really is a great poem...even the rythm is terrific and the pit pat split splat like really adds to it a lot...
i love it!
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very good writing of images in this poem psycho...to almost hear the rain outside the window. only suggestion would be to cut any of the unnecessary "the's." try reading it yourself this way, and I think you'll see it seems to draw a more powerful play on the image itself. all in all, a really good piece of writing!
Jo -
i feel tingly
just enjoyable reading here, "split splat" !!!cute!!! lol, i'll check out some more from you -
very nice
This was a nice poem.
I enjoyed reading it. -
Hi there kitten, lovely, don't talk to me of an empty bed,well there are three cuddly poodles on it at the moment, lol, I know the feeling and you described it well, very nice write, you have my applause, hugs mama cat, Di
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Amazing, you have talent xxxxxxxx
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