Upon the vast blanket of twinkling flakes of snow,
A small brown testament of Earth did show;
And, in her hand,
Was a stand of daisies:
Hood lined with soft white plumage attesting the morning air,
Protecting sunny little smiles without a care;
See, Snow Angels live without a doubt,
The eternal bloom of day:
Contrasting the ambivalence of a place so alone,
Especially the spot where stands that morbid stone;
They, reminders of her radiance,
A Spring she'll never see.
Author notes
In memory of my little cousin Jill D. McWilliams;
Who was born the same night as I was.
Written October 15th, 2005
A contest entry
- Picture Prompt - snow, winter... by aboomer.
700 points, ended December 2, 2008, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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Superb
A very fine write, and memorial tribute. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one.
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Vivid
I like this, it felt easy and I felt as though I saw the scenery you so boldly portrayed in your words. winters also a soft spot of mine
keep your memories, they make your soul shine in your eyes.
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Heartfelt
A wonderful tribute to you r cousin. Well written and heartfelt.
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Thanks Novice, I have revised this work after resisting to do so for a long time; now I feel it has the flow it should.
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Thank you, aboomer, for the Silver: it is most appreciated.
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I love your title....and I really like this write also. It's sad, but it's so well done with images and emotion.....so easy to 'see' and 'feel' the pain of loss, the daisies in the snow.
I liked all of this, but especially the lines,
'See, Snow Angels live without our doubt,
The eternal bloom of day:'
thank you for this lovely entry
best wishes in the contest
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Thank You
Those lines were very tough, because "without a doubt" sounded great, was what first came to mind, and would have been easy, but would have been so cliché; however "without our doubt" set it apart, sparked the brain, added depth, and made it perfect. I'm so glad that those lines had such impact on you.
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This piece shines with beauty and sadness, which too often is a good combination. I'm sorry about your cousin. I think she would be glad to see you honouring her with a beautiful poem like this. I really liked it!
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Nice job on structure and vocabulary.
Why not snowflakes instead of flakes of snow?
Ambivalence sorta takes a ramdom step up in the level of vocabulary, you may be confusing a lot of your readers, and not all of them are gonna whoop out the thesaurus.
The poem makes a whole lot more sense, and the words have a lot more meaning once I read your author notes, I wonder if there's some way to sneak that note into the poem?
I dunno, you did a good job, thanks. -
The diction here is most appreicated, your words bringing character and elegance to the way the poem moves. I'm very fond of all of the imagery; I'm a fan of visual writing. It starts out as though it will end happy, but when the end comes, it leaves me feeling cold and pitiful. Excellent work, a very fine piece indeed.
Best wishes for you in my contest.
~Flurry
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This poem is beautiful and absolutely heart wrenching. You forge your images well and the rhyme scheme is intriguing in its relative irregularity. I think it's the overall narrative quality of this poem and its ultimate theme that proves to be its most affective element. The contrast of the morbid truth and the idyllic imagery is also quite affective in portraying the tragic loss of innocence. However, I think this could be stronger with the inclusion of more elevated diction. While you do use uncommon and interesting words such as "stand" you also use more trite phrasing such as "twinkling." Overall, I very much enjoyed this. Thank you for your entry.
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beautiful heartfelt write. Thanks for entering the contest and best of luck
Arrianna
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this is sad
but full of emotion
good write
thanx for entering -
lovely
nice write but so sad. I have to say that I love the title, fits the piece wonderfully.
some things to consider:
"a stand of daisies" do you really mean 'stand' there? maybe 'strand'?
"They, reminders of her radiance" this seems awkward to me, just give it a second look.
anyway, well done
Axel Gold
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I'm afraid my vocabulary can be somewhat large and archaic at times; and it has been a hindrance to me when others are left unknowing. If you were to venture to your dictionary, you will find way down on the meaning list for the word: stand: "A group or growth of tall plants or trees," thus the emphasis on how the daisies tower above the snow, and the death that surrounds them, is complete; believe it or not I actually use stand this way; as far as radiance, many people are described as such, at least they use to be; perhaps now they are described as "fly:" however, while I no longer describe "gay" as being happy (though I have a cousin who seams to be): "fly" is still an insect, or an act that propels one into the air with the capability to maintain, to some degree, one's self, out of earth's restrictive clutches; or something that happens after you smoke a doobie, in which case I won't even remember the meaning of some of the words in my vocabulary (LOL).
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Because I got so many entries, I am going to judge this a little different than I normally do. On the contest page the challenge was to write a rhyming poem that shows instead of tells, with imagery and metaphor galore. In addition to those things, I am going to take the meter and rhythm into account along with originality. So I am going to award points for each of those things and then sort of tally them at the end to decide on the winners.
Show vs. Tell: 40/100
Concrete Images: 60/100
Metaphor/symbol/Allusion: 70/100
Originality: 85/100
Meter: 70/100
This is a lovely memorial. -
Softly Beautiful
I enjoyed this, so soft and delicate. Just beautiful in the sadness woven within these images. -
Sentiments well expressed in these lines; easy to read and understand the feelings of sadness you feel at her loss. Sounds like quite a story to this death.
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Very sensitive. A wonderful tribute.
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Very touching. Good work.
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This is a sad yet such a beautiful write. This is so different compared to the other work of yours that I have read.
I like how you made the first two lines of each stanza rhyme..that seemed to add to the feeling of the poem.
I agree ..it is sad there is a spring she will never see..you have done a fantastic job making the reader feel the words of this write.
Liz -
Your Welcome Dark Angel!
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Its so sad. A spring shell never see.... great write. Thanks for entering.
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Thanks Estarla!
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Beautiful! Your word choice and flow is excellent! Very nice.
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How nice of you to say that. Thank You Spamwitch!
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It's a poem that touches my heart. Though my mother was cremated, I still effectively the same. I can understand the lonely feel here, and the poem was beautiful. The sadness in my heart from it is apparant, however, it is a meaningful sorrow that re-acted to your words.
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Thanks, and I hope you enjoy the rest of my work here at AP, it is diverse to say the least!
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Hidden from all her future. Luckily I was just a cousin, and too small to get to know her well; we were born just hours apart, so I was just three years and nine months old at the time she was murdered. Most of what I know is from what I heard and pictures.
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sweet stuff! I havn't read any of your poems before, this was the first, such a refreshment! I'll be sure to read some more!
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Wow! Awesome write! The ending kind of got me. Hidden from something that you'd never get to see...whoa..If that was me I'd go psycho.Beautifully written!
~ ~ ~ ~Kaina~ ~ ~ ~
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Thank You V. Fox D.! ¦:¬{
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Wow. This is really amazing and tragically beautiful. I never saw the ending coming. Great job and keep on writing!
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Thank You Suffering!
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Contrasting the ambivalence of a place so all alone,
Especially the spot where stands that morbid stone;
They, reminders of her radiance,
A Spring she'll never see.
A beautiful ending to a beautiful poem
I loved the flow of it, the beauty in the words...a wonderful poem if I ever did see it! Thank you so much for sharing this with us all A perfect ending for my night!
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Dear CC, perhaps you mean snow, the stone is the tombstone.
Thank you for the visit and comment! -
A beautiful but sad poem.
I get the feeling that you are talking about someone for whom the stone angel represented with the daisies. This is very sad and yet it seems to be a place too where you have the deepest memories. -
Thanks Sacred Shadows!
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Contrasting the ambivalence of a place so all alone,
Especially the spot where stands that morbid stone;
They, reminders of her radiance,
A Spring she'll never see.
I enjoyed this so much! I'm at a loss for words. Good job!
Safely hidden in the darkness,
~ The Rocker who lost all aka Sacred Shadows -
Thank You, Notsoamateurapoetess!
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Thanks, he is ridiculous!
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Thanks, Tony22!
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Dearest Red Rocket,
I am afraid the first line of your reference refers back to the daisies, they are what contrasts the ambivalenceness. As for the second line of your reference, she'll never see the Spring, she'll never see herself bloom into the flower of a woman, because she was 3½ when she was murdered. -
Excellent
I felt like I was atop of a rolling hill in Scotland looking over the holy church, you know, the one that all see? The one that is more beautiful than a building but is always walked through.
So much has been given through this illusration of glistening artistry.
"They, reminders of her radiance,
A Spring she'll never see."
May your intentions remain in these lines as I hope to interpret them. Tombstones remind this woman of her immortality or afterlife and she will never see it because metaphorically she is everlasting?
Also I was reminded of a quote about passing away:
"It is such a terrible ending to what will be a beautiful beginning." Thanks for the tears of remembrance.
He Answers All Questions
Edited on Oct 24, 2:05 because ''. -
very well-written
I love what you did with this. I enjoyed it a lot. I hope this contest goes well for you!
God bless! -
Very good word choice. This was for me the true highlight of this piece. It has such brillliant phrasing also that lead me into the sentiment of the piece. Tony.
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